Brigit's Flame August Week 1: Shadows of Self
I wasn't too sure about getting an entry in this time, as it's been such a difficult week. But, for whatever it's worth, it's behind the cut.
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your word choice
Esther needed time to curl up on her bed and cry, or wail if she wanted to <- that's so how it is!
She felt as insubstantial as the long shadows of the gravestones
what needs to change:
nothing! A+ in grammar
what could work better if tweaked:
Spending this weekend with her sister was helping some, much better than trying to manage life at home, especially with Stacy and Corey underfoot with their callous understanding and selfish demands. <- try breaking this up into separate sentences
derision in <- derision from?
But suddenly this man, who only a few days before had held her in his arms, loving her, was withdrawn and firm. <- keep all the elements of this sentence, but reword for better flow
Finally, check for comma usage throughout the piece. make sure you really mean all those pauses (or, conversely, hurried phrases where there is no punctuation).
overall impression:
you are a skillful writer. this piece evoked some painful breakup memories for me. you've really captured the anguish/regret that accompanies unrequited love, right down to the shame of wanting to make love even though you know you should start getting over things. i would like to know more about esther - how she is normally, in contrast to when she is grieving a failed relationship. i think you could also do a little more to link the mother's suffering to esther's. i know losing your love isn't the same as losing all your children, but i think you could talk about the mother more. better yet, have esther speculate about what role the father played in all this...maybe he had left the grieving mother after her children had died. maybe he had left beforehand and her children were all he had left. i would really like to know more about the characters (past and present) in this story!
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