Brigit's Flame August Week 1: Shadows of Self

[triplescorpio]

I wasn't too sure about getting an entry in this time, as it's been such a difficult week. But, for whatever it's worth, it's behind the cut.

Comments

[lacruciverbiste]

a very captivating story. nice use of a flashback, as well. i enjoyed reading it very much.

good luck this week!

~la cruciverbiste :)

[triplescorpio]

Thank you so much. I've read yours, too, and was impressed. Good luck, also!

[attentionhoard]

Oh, great piece!

Wow, you really stepped up and created a beautiful story full of amazingly subtle (albeit perfect) detail and really human, interesting characters.

"“Danny,” Esther said, her voice choking and tears beginning to seep from her eyes, “Make love to me.”
Danny looked at her, his face quizzical.
“What are you saying, Esther? We just broke up.”
She took the socks from the drawer before following him downstairs.

That bit there was outstanding and literally send a chill down my spine. Great, great work!

[triplescorpio]

You have no idea how much your comment means to me. Thank you.

[forallyouare]

what i loved:
your word choice

Esther needed time to curl up on her bed and cry, or wail if she wanted to <- that's so how it is!

She felt as insubstantial as the long shadows of the gravestones

what needs to change:
nothing! A+ in grammar

what could work better if tweaked:
Spending this weekend with her sister was helping some, much better than trying to manage life at home, especially with Stacy and Corey underfoot with their callous understanding and selfish demands. <- try breaking this up into separate sentences

derision in <- derision from?

But suddenly this man, who only a few days before had held her in his arms, loving her, was withdrawn and firm. <- keep all the elements of this sentence, but reword for better flow

Finally, check for comma usage throughout the piece. make sure you really mean all those pauses (or, conversely, hurried phrases where there is no punctuation).

overall impressionyou are a skillful writer. this piece evoked some painful breakup memories for me. you've really captured the anguish/regret

[triplescorpio]

I really appreciate your detailed comments! And I see what you mean about more background information - what's in my head about the characters isn't going to be in the reader's mind. I wrote this quickly the night before the deadline and I agree, it needs to be fleshed out. Your suggestions are great ones. Thanks for your help.

[possumcowboy]

Incredible. What a talent you are.

[triplescorpio]

Thank you. Your opinion means a lot to me.

[leyse]

Hi, I'm your secondary editor for B_F.

I really enjoyed this piece, you masterfully handled pacing, and managed to switch things around just when the tone was edging on whiny. It's hard to maintain that balance while still writing genuine emotion.

I also think leaving the reason behind the break-up a mystery was a smart decision. It lets the reader empathize with Esther's confusion.

One thing I will mention is that when you first mentioned her sister, because she was "visiting" her but also in a graveyard, I got the impression she was dead. You might possibly consider rearranging the introduction of her sister, or leave the ambiguity in because it might lend a different layer to the piece--that world around Esther is dead at the moment, because of her grief.

[triplescorpio]

Thanks for your insightful comments. I didn't pick up the confusion about her sister and the graveyard - I'll definitely take a look at it again.

[leyse]

It was just a small thing, and it might have been my tired reading. I just wanted to make sure I noted everything that stood out to me to make the critique as useful as possible.