frigging gauntlet today...

[tripleh72788]

of emotions, that is. Woke up and I was disappointed, cuz it was Monday, and I knew I had to work. Had a quick breakfast of a kudos bar and a quarter cup of oj cuz that's all there was. lil after 8, went over to do my poolboy job. It was filthy. I think some ppl peed in it to be honest. Hairy ppl, too. 9am walked over to my next job, expecting to bust my ass in the heat all day, but i was okay with it, cuz he told me i was gonna get paid today. Erik sends me home to put on jeans. Do that, come back, and he introduces me to this nice old guy, Dwayne, who's gonna clean the machines in back this week. Thoroughly. And there are a hell of a lot more machines than you think. So i'm Dwayne's apprentice for the next couple days. I was happy at that point--i got to work inside for the day, and learn some valuable skills for my fall job. 4pm Dwayne leaves, Robin comes in, Erik disappears. I wait around with robin, waiting to see erik so i can get my $...still happy. Robin taught me how to transfer calls and the basics of the Keno machine, which is important. 4:45, Erik comes back around and asks me what the hell i'm still doing there. Then he tells me that he has to call me in to have me put on the payroll, and I'm not gonna get paid til Friday. Neighbor Gloria comes over to the alley as i'm leaving to ask me to carry her new boxspring for her. After those two things, I'm a frustrated by 5pm. I shower, I put on non-greasy clothes, I ask my mom if I can go see Kara, because I knew that would make my day worth it, and I miss her, and I know the rest of the week is pretty much shot. She says no but I figure I'll try again after supper. Supper sucks, because you should never put a steak in the crockpot...that's a great way to ruin steak. Best damn potroast i've ever had tho...btw I hate potroast. So @ the end of supper Ryanne calls, I don't answer cuz i'm finishing my potroast. I check the voicemail, call Kara back on Ryanne's phone. Btw, Ryanne is a really nice person. Kara asks me to come do suttim with her and ryanne, which sounds totally fantastic to me, that fits my needs and wants perfectly. So I then ask my mom can I PLEASE go see Kara. She gets very pissed that I ask. I get pissed right back at her and shut down all her excuses. She gets more pissed and says no again. Kara calls back, I give her the bad news, and I actually think she sounded kinda pissed, too. So I go brood on the amazing skill it must take to piss off and disappoint two totally different people simultaneously. By 7:15, I'm very, very angry. I'm sick of the whole situation that I'm in and the fact that I can't seem to get out of it, still. I'm sick of the way people take advantage of the fact that i'm usually willing to go out of my way to do something for somebody else. I'm sick of the way certain people (my boss and my mom) hold things over me and treat me like they're doing me some great favor when all they're actually doing is giving me less than I deserve. I'm sick of so many people expecting things from me. And I'm sick of not being able to do what I want because what I don't want almost always seems to come first. By 9:30 I cool off a little bit. I even have ice cream. I resist the temptation to go tell somebody to fuck off. Then I remember that I didn't do my third job today, so I go take care of my neighbor's cats. If that was the icing on the cake than my mom's attitude about the fact that i'd forgotten to do it earlier was the fucking candy decoration. by 10 i'm very fucking pissed off again for alot of the same reasons. I think about it, and stuff, and I happen to think about Kara. No longer pissed. I get sad. I think about what Kara's gotta be thinking about, and I get scared. I send Kara a text message that doesn't help at all and I consider sending her a longass email but of course I can't get online because there's a fucking nazi in my house. So that's where I'm at. I gotta get up shortly after 7 tomorrow cuz I have to go in to my second job early. Which means I have to do my first job early. 8-4 tomorrow with Dwayne at the shortest. Then soccer practice from 7 - 8:30 if I'm not dead. Even if I am dead, I'll probly go anyways if I can see Kara instead of playing soccer. Cuz I thought I wouldn't get a chance to see her til thursday. Now that's looking like Saturday. And I have to fucking paint this weekend. My fourth job. And there's more lined up if I ever have the fucking time. I should be in bed, I guess. I was, couldn't sleep. Fun fun. Sleep is not at the top of my priorities right now, and its not the thing that I'm worried about :(

I love you, more than anything, Kara. I'd like to talk to you btwn work and 7 tomorrow to figure out if you'll see me. If not maybe i'll throw my stinky soccer socks at your window :p

--Matt