Questions without answers
At risk of sounding a little obsessed... typing things out helps clear the head and organize my thoughts.
It's just not logical... but then... I probably shouldn't be expecting logic in all of this.
I keep trying to figure out how and why all of this happened. I guess there really are no good answers for it.
I care deeply for my friend. This is perfectly understandable. We trust each other... he's one of the few people that I trust completely. I've told him things about me that I prefer to hide from everyone else. He has told me some of what he's been through, and I'd like to think that I understand him and where he is in his life and in his head.
He is a good man with a good heart... even if his heart is so wounded. He is smart... he is pleasant to kick back with... to talk with... and he's quite easy on the eyes. ;-)
Looking at things logically, I would have had to have been out of my mind to fall for him. Even if I could be his type, the timing of it is ridiculously bad. What the hell am I doing so smitten?
If only I could rationally analyze it, I would feel better... though, in analyzing... does it diminish it... make it sound even more irrational? Do matters of the heart need to be rational?
In all honesty, I have always been rather attracted to him. However, things have never been sexual between us. I wouldn't have stopped it if things had gone that way... not a chance. But, I think that because it wasn't physical that the possibility to fall was even there.
That he is leaving to the other side of the country certainly had something to do with matters too... as well as all the other stresses that hit my life at the same time. Had there been a few less stresses, I probably would have ignored things and gone on as usual.
I can understand why he has to go, and I hope he'll do well. He's not lived there for about 9 years and that is a lot of time away. He's going to be with his grandparents... though... reconnecting with others he knew from childhood and meeting new people...
And I think that is the other thing that got me... because of his broken heart... his wounded past... he's damaged goods (as are we all). But, it seems to be because of this that I care and have fallen. I want to hold him and protect him... to keep him safe. I know that's not my job to do, nor that I've been asked to... but, he brings it out of me...
I wish this were more logical... I really do. This ultimately makes little sense... but, that doesn't make it go away.
Though it breaks my heart... I want him to be happy back in CT... to find a nice man there who can make him happy and help him heal his heart. Even though a part of me wishes that I could be the one... I know, rationally, that it really isn't for me to do.
And, as much as I would want to relish this feeling... to have fallen for someone who has fallen for me as well and to revel in those emotions... I think that, if my heart is to break for someone, that I went into this already knowing the outcome... that it would break over this. I had no illusions about that... as much as there may be a hope in the back of my heart, my head understand my position. I have the feeling that this would be so much worse to have been in a deep mutual love, only to have it fall apart and my heart break then. It's as much of a safety net as one could hope for my heart's first time out of hiding.
It's just not logical... but then... I probably shouldn't be expecting logic in all of this.
I keep trying to figure out how and why all of this happened. I guess there really are no good answers for it.
I care deeply for my friend. This is perfectly understandable. We trust each other... he's one of the few people that I trust completely. I've told him things about me that I prefer to hide from everyone else. He has told me some of what he's been through, and I'd like to think that I understand him and where he is in his life and in his head.
He is a good man with a good heart... even if his heart is so wounded. He is smart... he is pleasant to kick back with... to talk with... and he's quite easy on the eyes. ;-)
Looking at things logically, I would have had to have been out of my mind to fall for him. Even if I could be his type, the timing of it is ridiculously bad. What the hell am I doing so smitten?
If only I could rationally analyze it, I would feel better... though, in analyzing... does it diminish it... make it sound even more irrational? Do matters of the heart need to be rational?
In all honesty, I have always been rather attracted to him. However, things have never been sexual between us. I wouldn't have stopped it if things had gone that way... not a chance. But, I think that because it wasn't physical that the possibility to fall was even there.
That he is leaving to the other side of the country certainly had something to do with matters too... as well as all the other stresses that hit my life at the same time. Had there been a few less stresses, I probably would have ignored things and gone on as usual.
I can understand why he has to go, and I hope he'll do well. He's not lived there for about 9 years and that is a lot of time away. He's going to be with his grandparents... though... reconnecting with others he knew from childhood and meeting new people...
And I think that is the other thing that got me... because of his broken heart... his wounded past... he's damaged goods (as are we all). But, it seems to be because of this that I care and have fallen. I want to hold him and protect him... to keep him safe. I know that's not my job to do, nor that I've been asked to... but, he brings it out of me...
I wish this were more logical... I really do. This ultimately makes little sense... but, that doesn't make it go away.
Though it breaks my heart... I want him to be happy back in CT... to find a nice man there who can make him happy and help him heal his heart. Even though a part of me wishes that I could be the one... I know, rationally, that it really isn't for me to do.
And, as much as I would want to relish this feeling... to have fallen for someone who has fallen for me as well and to revel in those emotions... I think that, if my heart is to break for someone, that I went into this already knowing the outcome... that it would break over this. I had no illusions about that... as much as there may be a hope in the back of my heart, my head understand my position. I have the feeling that this would be so much worse to have been in a deep mutual love, only to have it fall apart and my heart break then. It's as much of a safety net as one could hope for my heart's first time out of hiding.