Annie Junior
Tonight I viewed Annie Junior, and must write a report on it for drama. However, the report on this page will be written by my alter-ego who rarely leaves the internet, Red. The kids did a good job, and my real report will reflect that, but this one will most certainly not. Enjoy my cutting, cruel review.
After going the few blocks it takes to reach the school, I had a very deep and meaningfull epiphany: I had to take a piss. After searching two bathrooms at MBMS, I realized that the administration had locked the bathrooms as to prevent non-existant pedophile rapists from preying on non-existant stupid children. With a few minutes left untill the show started and no one I relly wanted to converse with, I went to the bathroom at polliwog park. I won't even get into how depressing and dangerous those bathrooms were compared to the ones at MBMS, but I assure you they were a dark and smelly travesty.
Slightly satisfied, I went back to the school and remenisced about teachers I was indifferent to and others who weren't so lucky untill the show started. As though filing into the multi-use room with dozens of soccer moms at speeds reaching up to and including one mile per hour wasn't exciting enough, I had the rollercoaster ride ahead of me called, "finding a seat and telling anyone who asks for the extra chair next to me that I wasn't ever going to use to go to hell". With all of this build-up, I was about ready to explode in what could only be called "an orgasm of anticipation". Amazingly, the show would not live up to my unbelevably high expectations.
The play opened up with a shameless attempt to make us feel sorry for the orphans in the play. Though I was caught off guard, I remembered that there were kids in the world that would kill for the cold gruel those stuck-up orphans so grudgingly ate. Next was probably the only part of the play that stirred mixed emotions in me: Annie being beaten by the orphan mistress. On one hand, there was a friggen red headed orphan being beaten, which could only be described as jawsome. However on the other hand, the orphan mistress was picking on someone weaker than her. After a few moments of considering the situation and solving for the value of pi, I decided that I there was really only one thing I could do. I planned to walk up to the orphan mistress after the show, congratulate her on a realistic performance, and then deck her in the face as hard as I was able. It really was the only way to express what I was thinking at that moment. In retrospect, it may not have been the best course of action.
The next scene involved Annie running away from the orphanarium to a life inevitably full of prostitution and drugs. Fortunately, she ran into the best actor in the show, the dog named Sandy. Of course, "the man" had to ruin her fun, but he was an insult to the force. Instead of immediataly euthanising the dog right on the spot like any good cop would have done, he put it up to some mindless and stupid task. I won't go into details on it, so let me just say this: If someone had asked me that question, not only would I get a compliment on my obedience, but a dog biscut too! Some dogs have all the luck...
After the dog scene, a confusing thing happened that made me think I was on some kind of bad acid trip. People dressed in black came out and removed all the furniture, only to replace it with different furniture and different scenery. Naturally paranoid, I reached for my knife knowing that when the men in black were done with the furniture, they would inevitably take me away and replace me with some kind of doppleganger and nobody would know the difference. I breathed a sigh of releif when they went back stage, and knew I was safe, but for how long...
The new scenery was that of the orphinarium, and the orphan mistress was taking swigs from her canteen undoubtedly full of Wild Turkey. Drunk and defeated, she sang some kind of song about being dripping with little girls. I thought it a little odd for her to bring up a sexuall reference at an all ages show , but let it go because I was predicting the next move from the men in black. Anyway, Annie came back, was beaten by the orphan mistress, and then taken away by some lady claiming to be the lawyer for some pedophile named Warbucks.
Upon arriving at the mansion, Annie was greeted in not surprisingly, song. The volume was so horrible I had to steal the hearing aid from the old man a few seats over, and even then I could barely hear anything. Eventually I have up, threw the useless hearing aid away, and began to replace the words the kids sang with the words in, "We only live to kiss your ass" performed in Family Guy. If those indeed were the words in that scene, it was the best scene ever.
Later, the orphan mistress, jealous that she couldn't be Warbuck's sex toy, plotted her revenge on the one orphan that got away. Her brother, aptly named rooster, plotted to impersonate her father, and then make her "dissapear" by making slitting motions on his own throat. His plan was probably to take her out into the cold, slit his own throat, and then hope the surprise would send her into shock so that she would freeze. I'm not a proffesionall murderer, but that doesn't seem to be the best way to kill someone.
The plot goes on to a predictable ending, the only surprise being that the president was in a wheelchair! I know for a fact that Roosevelt could walk and stand, why else would he be leaning on something in every one of the pictures. Anyway, after seeing this musical, I realize that my time would be better spent blasting aliens back to their wretched spawn or blasting my head against the wall at speeds reaching 50 miles an hour. It's a close competition between the musicall and the latter though....
After going the few blocks it takes to reach the school, I had a very deep and meaningfull epiphany: I had to take a piss. After searching two bathrooms at MBMS, I realized that the administration had locked the bathrooms as to prevent non-existant pedophile rapists from preying on non-existant stupid children. With a few minutes left untill the show started and no one I relly wanted to converse with, I went to the bathroom at polliwog park. I won't even get into how depressing and dangerous those bathrooms were compared to the ones at MBMS, but I assure you they were a dark and smelly travesty.
Slightly satisfied, I went back to the school and remenisced about teachers I was indifferent to and others who weren't so lucky untill the show started. As though filing into the multi-use room with dozens of soccer moms at speeds reaching up to and including one mile per hour wasn't exciting enough, I had the rollercoaster ride ahead of me called, "finding a seat and telling anyone who asks for the extra chair next to me that I wasn't ever going to use to go to hell". With all of this build-up, I was about ready to explode in what could only be called "an orgasm of anticipation". Amazingly, the show would not live up to my unbelevably high expectations.
The play opened up with a shameless attempt to make us feel sorry for the orphans in the play. Though I was caught off guard, I remembered that there were kids in the world that would kill for the cold gruel those stuck-up orphans so grudgingly ate. Next was probably the only part of the play that stirred mixed emotions in me: Annie being beaten by the orphan mistress. On one hand, there was a friggen red headed orphan being beaten, which could only be described as jawsome. However on the other hand, the orphan mistress was picking on someone weaker than her. After a few moments of considering the situation and solving for the value of pi, I decided that I there was really only one thing I could do. I planned to walk up to the orphan mistress after the show, congratulate her on a realistic performance, and then deck her in the face as hard as I was able. It really was the only way to express what I was thinking at that moment. In retrospect, it may not have been the best course of action.
The next scene involved Annie running away from the orphanarium to a life inevitably full of prostitution and drugs. Fortunately, she ran into the best actor in the show, the dog named Sandy. Of course, "the man" had to ruin her fun, but he was an insult to the force. Instead of immediataly euthanising the dog right on the spot like any good cop would have done, he put it up to some mindless and stupid task. I won't go into details on it, so let me just say this: If someone had asked me that question, not only would I get a compliment on my obedience, but a dog biscut too! Some dogs have all the luck...
After the dog scene, a confusing thing happened that made me think I was on some kind of bad acid trip. People dressed in black came out and removed all the furniture, only to replace it with different furniture and different scenery. Naturally paranoid, I reached for my knife knowing that when the men in black were done with the furniture, they would inevitably take me away and replace me with some kind of doppleganger and nobody would know the difference. I breathed a sigh of releif when they went back stage, and knew I was safe, but for how long...
The new scenery was that of the orphinarium, and the orphan mistress was taking swigs from her canteen undoubtedly full of Wild Turkey. Drunk and defeated, she sang some kind of song about being dripping with little girls. I thought it a little odd for her to bring up a sexuall reference at an all ages show , but let it go because I was predicting the next move from the men in black. Anyway, Annie came back, was beaten by the orphan mistress, and then taken away by some lady claiming to be the lawyer for some pedophile named Warbucks.
Upon arriving at the mansion, Annie was greeted in not surprisingly, song. The volume was so horrible I had to steal the hearing aid from the old man a few seats over, and even then I could barely hear anything. Eventually I have up, threw the useless hearing aid away, and began to replace the words the kids sang with the words in, "We only live to kiss your ass" performed in Family Guy. If those indeed were the words in that scene, it was the best scene ever.
Later, the orphan mistress, jealous that she couldn't be Warbuck's sex toy, plotted her revenge on the one orphan that got away. Her brother, aptly named rooster, plotted to impersonate her father, and then make her "dissapear" by making slitting motions on his own throat. His plan was probably to take her out into the cold, slit his own throat, and then hope the surprise would send her into shock so that she would freeze. I'm not a proffesionall murderer, but that doesn't seem to be the best way to kill someone.
The plot goes on to a predictable ending, the only surprise being that the president was in a wheelchair! I know for a fact that Roosevelt could walk and stand, why else would he be leaning on something in every one of the pictures. Anyway, after seeing this musical, I realize that my time would be better spent blasting aliens back to their wretched spawn or blasting my head against the wall at speeds reaching 50 miles an hour. It's a close competition between the musicall and the latter though....