(no subject)
So, yeah. I had another really bad breakdown this weekend. Probably worse than the other one. Friday was okay, actually it was pretty fun. Tucker and his girlfriend were here, and so they came over with Stouty and Jason. I didn't realize how much I missed Tucker until I saw him. I love that kid. We played some beer pong and then some Kings, which I despise. Then they were all totally gone, except for poor Stouty who I guess stayed sober to take them home. Yeah, and then I went to sleep.
Saturday is when the shit hit the fan. Tony played fucking WoW all day, and I was a little frustrated. Then we went out to dinner with Josie and Tucker, and I was feeling like crap and I was all snappy and irritated with Tony. So Tucker invited us back to the house (the house is Tucker, Stouty, and Jason. Like my 3 favorite people in the world). So we went and a bunch of people I adore were there, and Stouty had made some pot brownies. So yeah, he GAVE Tony one, which is nice because he charged everyone else $30. Then he was trying to get me to eat one and I wanted one sooooo badly but I couldn't because I didn't feel good and I didn't want to sleep at their place. I wanted to go home and sleep in me and Tony's bed. Then Stouty started passing out 'shroom chocolates. Again, I really wanted one and couldn't eat it. Couldn't drink. Tony was sooo fucked up. So around midnight I start feeling really shitty and am tired of watching everyone play Risk, and so I go, Tony let's go home. And he starts going, no way, I'm not ready to go back yet. So I waited a little while, and then I was like, fuck this. I walked into the garage and said "Tony, I'm going home, I'll see you tomorrow."
Anyways, he got up off his ass and followed me to the car and we got home around 1 or so. So Tony is tripping balls and he couldn't sleep so he turns on Mars Volta and sits down to watch the visualizer effects on Windows Media Player, and sits there just staring at them for a good half hour when the guys got home. As soon as they walk in Tony jumps up and runs out there and closes the door. So I'm sitting there in the dark listening to Mars Volta completely alone, and I can hear him out there with the guys and some girls and they're all laughing and stuff. So I started thinking, man this is what his life was like before I came into it. Get fucked up with the guys and have a good time and not have his girlfriend dragging his ass home. Being able to flirt with fun girls who weren't all fucked up in the head. And I started crying and silently screaming. I was so angry and sad and messed up. All I could think about was "I fuck everything up and I fuck everyone up." And I was rocking back forth and sobbing for a good hour. Tony comes back in the room and gets on the bed and is trying to play around with me and I didn't want him to see I'd been crying so I turned over and he saw anyways.
So anyways he asked me if I had been crying and he felt the covers and told me they were soaked. So he lays down with me and starts trying to talk to me about this and I tell him about how horrible I feel about being the major part of his life and always being with him and feeling like a cling-on and stuff. He asked me if I thought we'd hit a dead end and told me it worried him that I kept doing this to myself. He told me he only wanted to be with one girl and that was me, and that he cared about me more than he ever had with any other girl before. And I just sat there crying and then he started talking about his life and about Ben and how he didn't feel like Ben cared about him anymore, and then he started crying. It was so incredible to see. He was crying his heart out, and so we just sat there and cried together. We slept together and held each other and I appreciate him so much more now than I ever have. I'm going to try so hard to be happy for him, because he needs that from me. I can't keep making myself miserable like this because it makes him miserable too. I want him to be happy more than anything in the world. And if that means my putting my issues aside and learning to deal, then so be it. I'm going to be fun. I'm going to be the life of the party. I'm going to smoke and drink with the best of them and I'm going to love with all of my heart. I'd do anything for him.
Saturday is when the shit hit the fan. Tony played fucking WoW all day, and I was a little frustrated. Then we went out to dinner with Josie and Tucker, and I was feeling like crap and I was all snappy and irritated with Tony. So Tucker invited us back to the house (the house is Tucker, Stouty, and Jason. Like my 3 favorite people in the world). So we went and a bunch of people I adore were there, and Stouty had made some pot brownies. So yeah, he GAVE Tony one, which is nice because he charged everyone else $30. Then he was trying to get me to eat one and I wanted one sooooo badly but I couldn't because I didn't feel good and I didn't want to sleep at their place. I wanted to go home and sleep in me and Tony's bed. Then Stouty started passing out 'shroom chocolates. Again, I really wanted one and couldn't eat it. Couldn't drink. Tony was sooo fucked up. So around midnight I start feeling really shitty and am tired of watching everyone play Risk, and so I go, Tony let's go home. And he starts going, no way, I'm not ready to go back yet. So I waited a little while, and then I was like, fuck this. I walked into the garage and said "Tony, I'm going home, I'll see you tomorrow."
Anyways, he got up off his ass and followed me to the car and we got home around 1 or so. So Tony is tripping balls and he couldn't sleep so he turns on Mars Volta and sits down to watch the visualizer effects on Windows Media Player, and sits there just staring at them for a good half hour when the guys got home. As soon as they walk in Tony jumps up and runs out there and closes the door. So I'm sitting there in the dark listening to Mars Volta completely alone, and I can hear him out there with the guys and some girls and they're all laughing and stuff. So I started thinking, man this is what his life was like before I came into it. Get fucked up with the guys and have a good time and not have his girlfriend dragging his ass home. Being able to flirt with fun girls who weren't all fucked up in the head. And I started crying and silently screaming. I was so angry and sad and messed up. All I could think about was "I fuck everything up and I fuck everyone up." And I was rocking back forth and sobbing for a good hour. Tony comes back in the room and gets on the bed and is trying to play around with me and I didn't want him to see I'd been crying so I turned over and he saw anyways.
So anyways he asked me if I had been crying and he felt the covers and told me they were soaked. So he lays down with me and starts trying to talk to me about this and I tell him about how horrible I feel about being the major part of his life and always being with him and feeling like a cling-on and stuff. He asked me if I thought we'd hit a dead end and told me it worried him that I kept doing this to myself. He told me he only wanted to be with one girl and that was me, and that he cared about me more than he ever had with any other girl before. And I just sat there crying and then he started talking about his life and about Ben and how he didn't feel like Ben cared about him anymore, and then he started crying. It was so incredible to see. He was crying his heart out, and so we just sat there and cried together. We slept together and held each other and I appreciate him so much more now than I ever have. I'm going to try so hard to be happy for him, because he needs that from me. I can't keep making myself miserable like this because it makes him miserable too. I want him to be happy more than anything in the world. And if that means my putting my issues aside and learning to deal, then so be it. I'm going to be fun. I'm going to be the life of the party. I'm going to smoke and drink with the best of them and I'm going to love with all of my heart. I'd do anything for him.