winter blues

[trinitydawning]

Loneliness has set in again. Maybe it's the cliche holiday blues, maybe it's just the next wave, who knows. Other than being rather lonely things are going really well for me at the moment. I've been having so much fun buying presents for everyone, and I'm having lunch with a friend who I haven't see in far too long tom. afternoon. Plus there was that wonderful and unexpected card that I got in the mail yesterday from someone I haven't heard from in the longest time and haven't seen in years. So, those things are both great, yet I still find myself lonely. Of course the thing I'm lonely for is not something that can be fixed by a card or a visit with a friend. In my silly pinning ways I am lonely for love. It feels awfully cheesy to want a relationship so badly. I mean, I can stand on my own two feet. Then again I find it rather aggravating that the way our society works says that if one really is desperate for a relationship then there is something wrong with you, that you are in some way weak. I don't think that is true. There are definately those people who are completely unable to function unless they ae joined at the hip with another human being, but that is different then simply being tired of keeping yourself company, of wrapping your own arms around yourself at night. I had a very strange dream last night, really vivid and oddly realistic in a surreal kind of way (contradiction, I know, but that is the best way I can word it). The girl in my dream was someone I would not have expected and though I have had a "crush" (I hate that word) on her in the past it hasn't been something I've thought about in a really long time. The dream sort of snuck up on me, it invaded the middle of another dream in which I ran into Caroline (god I miss her!) and we were being our usual crazy selves and having a fucking blast. Then suddenly in comes this new dream, shoving everything else aside and leaving me confused and wanting. Honestly I found the dream rather painful. This girl, who I will call Jane for purposes of confidentiality, and I were sitting on a bed, my bed I guess, but it wasn't my real bed. She was just looking at me with those big beautiful eyes she has and I started crying. I told her that I had loved her but knew that nothing could ever come of it so had never said anything. She took my head in her hands and kissed my forehead and then she hugged me and whispered in my ears "All you ever had to do was ask". The next thing I new we were kissing. I remember so vividly the warmth of the room and the way the sun felt coming through the open window (must have been summer), I can practically feel the thickness of the quilt under me on the bed, and the way my head felt at it hit the pillow. I know exactly how she looked and smelled and how her weight felt against me (after the falling back onto the bed part). Everything seemed to be in a sort of strange slow motion, like my perception was dialated. Everything was brighter and richer, had more texture and shape. It never went any farther than kissing, but in that moment things were just blissful, but at the same time something in my knew that this wasn't real and that when it ended I wouldn't get it back, that it wasn't the start of something beautiful, but rather a glimpse of something I have never felt and long to have. In the midst of this warm love-filled bliss was the accute awareness that this was a fleeting moment, and thus, the dream left me empty and hurting. I guess I know I've been alone too long when my consicous (I hate that word to, can't seem to spell it) mind can't let my sub-consicous have it's fantasies anymore.
So, that is it, the rambling and creations of my lonely mind.