The Trouble with Twilight
I have a feeling I might come to regret it, but I've started reading the Twilight books by Stephenie Meyer. Currently, I've finished New Moon and am half-way through Eclipse.
Technically, the situation is not good. The writing wavers between dreadful, poor, and not-quite-so-bad-if-you-try-not-to-think-about-it. But honestly, it's not the writing that bugs me but the concept/characters.
Point 1. (I've been bottling this one up for a while, it might get nasty) I do wonder, frequently, if Stephenie Meyer has any idea, any idea at all, what vampires actually are. If I was going to write a book with several vampiric characters, I'd do some research... you know, Dracula, various TV shows including BtVS and Angel... even WIKIPEDIA would probably be useful.
My problem is that I don't think SMeyer actually did any of that. She's already stated in public that her inspiration was a dream with a girl and, apparently, a sparkling "vampire" in a sparkling field of... sparkliness... (incidentally, what, did she eat cheese right before bed? That's one weird dream) Now, I had a point... basically, she had her weird-ass dream and, without bothering to actually research vampires at all, just made up a bunch of shit that she thought was cool.
Sometimes I want to grab her, lock her in a room and force her to read Dracula, or watch a vampire movie, or read an Anne Rice novel... anything, just anything that will show her what vampires ARE. Specifically: THAT THEY DO NOT [BLEEP]ING SPARKLE IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT. In fact, traditionally they can't go out in direct sunlight BECAUSE THEY CATCH FIRE AND EXPLODE INTO DUST.
As such, I will henceforth refer to the Cullens as "vampires" because I refuse to accept that they are, in fact, proper vampires.
*ahem*
Point 2. Characters. Now, I have threefour categories of characters from these books.
a) Those who are Awesome and should be the star of their own book: Jacob, Alice, Carlisle.
b) Those who are Okay, but not own-book worthy: Charlie, the Quileutes, Angela, Emmett, Rosalie, Esme, Jasper.
c) Those who Scare The Crap out of me: Those Volturi guys, mostly.
d) Those who I Despise (and would happily kill): BELLA. EDWARD.
(I know that's not everyone, but the others are either not category-worthy (most of the people of Forks) or I haven't read enough about them yet (Renee))
In short: there actually are some decent characters in here.
Unfortunately for everyone concerned, SMeyer is so concerned with the Story of Epic Twu Wuv between the blatant Mary-SueBella and the sparkly personality vacuumEdward to pay any attention to the other characters that doesn't push them together.
Which brings us to Point 3.
The EPIC and chemistry-free Story of TWU WUV between Bella Swan and Edward Cullen.
*deep breath*
Bella Swan. At first glance, seems okay... until you realise that she's Practically Perfect in Every Way, she aces practically every subject at school, she takes care of her mother (in Phoenix) then her father (when she moves to Forks), and everyone at school just loves her. [Case in point, Mike Nelson. Someone who really ought to give up, seeing as she's got a "vampire" and a werewolf in love with her and he really doesn't stand a chance.] Then *gasp* she's at her new school in Forks and she sees Edward, and she's all OMG PRETTY. Oh, and did I mention that she's a disaster magnet and just sickeningly adorably clumsy?
Then there is Edward. Alleged "vampire", approximately 108-109 years old, "turned" when he was seventeen and dying of influenza.
Edward, basically, comes off as an obsessive, not-particularly-intelligent, possibly manic-depressive idiot.
HE BREAKS INTO BELLA'S HOUSE AT NIGHT TO WATCH HER SLEEP. Could he be any more creepy?
Okay, admission time. If Twilight and its sequels were about a teenaged girl in a doomed, obsessive, downright creepy love affair with a vampire of the traditional variety (i.e. minus the sparkles), then it would actually be new and interesting and different enough to potentially be good. (Of course this hinges on SMeyer learning how to write, but it is only a hypothesis you know.)
And to finish up point 3....
Breaking Dawn. From what I've heard, Book Four is going to be a hilarious read.
I will say only this: RENESMEE CARLIE CULLEN.
Moving On:
These books, so far, have given me... three ideas, or four if you count the one I came across in a comm today.
#1. Do a straight re-write. Obviously this is going to involve drastic re-working of the plot.
#2. Multi-fandom crossover, featuring some famous vampires and their bafflement at the Cullens' continued claims that they're "vampires" too.
#3. A three-strand fic (or possibly three separate fics), focusing on Jacob, Alice and Carlisle.
#4. Crossover with Doctor Who. Would feature much of the Tenth Doctor being typically curious and asking them several million questions. Optional extra is Rose and/or Martha being unimpressed by the Sparkly Sparkly "Vampires".
Some of those might get written, I don't know. Right now about all I do know is that Bella Swan makes me want to scream. And hit something.
Oh, one other point. These books are ridiculously, ridiculously sexist. Just the existence of Bella Swan makes Emmeline Pankhurst and Mary Wollstonecraft spin in their respective graves.
Bram Stoker's probably not very happy, either.
Technically, the situation is not good. The writing wavers between dreadful, poor, and not-quite-so-bad-if-you-try-not-to-think-about-it. But honestly, it's not the writing that bugs me but the concept/characters.
Point 1. (I've been bottling this one up for a while, it might get nasty) I do wonder, frequently, if Stephenie Meyer has any idea, any idea at all, what vampires actually are. If I was going to write a book with several vampiric characters, I'd do some research... you know, Dracula, various TV shows including BtVS and Angel... even WIKIPEDIA would probably be useful.
My problem is that I don't think SMeyer actually did any of that. She's already stated in public that her inspiration was a dream with a girl and, apparently, a sparkling "vampire" in a sparkling field of... sparkliness... (incidentally, what, did she eat cheese right before bed? That's one weird dream) Now, I had a point... basically, she had her weird-ass dream and, without bothering to actually research vampires at all, just made up a bunch of shit that she thought was cool.
Sometimes I want to grab her, lock her in a room and force her to read Dracula, or watch a vampire movie, or read an Anne Rice novel... anything, just anything that will show her what vampires ARE. Specifically: THAT THEY DO NOT [BLEEP]ING SPARKLE IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT. In fact, traditionally they can't go out in direct sunlight BECAUSE THEY CATCH FIRE AND EXPLODE INTO DUST.
As such, I will henceforth refer to the Cullens as "vampires" because I refuse to accept that they are, in fact, proper vampires.
*ahem*
Point 2. Characters. Now, I have threefour categories of characters from these books.
a) Those who are Awesome and should be the star of their own book: Jacob, Alice, Carlisle.
b) Those who are Okay, but not own-book worthy: Charlie, the Quileutes, Angela, Emmett, Rosalie, Esme, Jasper.
c) Those who Scare The Crap out of me: Those Volturi guys, mostly.
d) Those who I Despise (and would happily kill): BELLA. EDWARD.
(I know that's not everyone, but the others are either not category-worthy (most of the people of Forks) or I haven't read enough about them yet (Renee))
In short: there actually are some decent characters in here.
Unfortunately for everyone concerned, SMeyer is so concerned with the Story of Epic Twu Wuv between the blatant Mary-SueBella and the sparkly personality vacuumEdward to pay any attention to the other characters that doesn't push them together.
Which brings us to Point 3.
The EPIC and chemistry-free Story of TWU WUV between Bella Swan and Edward Cullen.
*deep breath*
Bella Swan. At first glance, seems okay... until you realise that she's Practically Perfect in Every Way, she aces practically every subject at school, she takes care of her mother (in Phoenix) then her father (when she moves to Forks), and everyone at school just loves her. [Case in point, Mike Nelson. Someone who really ought to give up, seeing as she's got a "vampire" and a werewolf in love with her and he really doesn't stand a chance.] Then *gasp* she's at her new school in Forks and she sees Edward, and she's all OMG PRETTY. Oh, and did I mention that she's a disaster magnet and just sickeningly adorably clumsy?
Then there is Edward. Alleged "vampire", approximately 108-109 years old, "turned" when he was seventeen and dying of influenza.
Edward, basically, comes off as an obsessive, not-particularly-intelligent, possibly manic-depressive idiot.
HE BREAKS INTO BELLA'S HOUSE AT NIGHT TO WATCH HER SLEEP. Could he be any more creepy?
Okay, admission time. If Twilight and its sequels were about a teenaged girl in a doomed, obsessive, downright creepy love affair with a vampire of the traditional variety (i.e. minus the sparkles), then it would actually be new and interesting and different enough to potentially be good. (Of course this hinges on SMeyer learning how to write, but it is only a hypothesis you know.)
And to finish up point 3....
Breaking Dawn. From what I've heard, Book Four is going to be a hilarious read.
I will say only this: RENESMEE CARLIE CULLEN.
Moving On:
These books, so far, have given me... three ideas, or four if you count the one I came across in a comm today.
#1. Do a straight re-write. Obviously this is going to involve drastic re-working of the plot.
#2. Multi-fandom crossover, featuring some famous vampires and their bafflement at the Cullens' continued claims that they're "vampires" too.
#3. A three-strand fic (or possibly three separate fics), focusing on Jacob, Alice and Carlisle.
#4. Crossover with Doctor Who. Would feature much of the Tenth Doctor being typically curious and asking them several million questions. Optional extra is Rose and/or Martha being unimpressed by the Sparkly Sparkly "Vampires".
Some of those might get written, I don't know. Right now about all I do know is that Bella Swan makes me want to scream. And hit something.
Oh, one other point. These books are ridiculously, ridiculously sexist. Just the existence of Bella Swan makes Emmeline Pankhurst and Mary Wollstonecraft spin in their respective graves.
Bram Stoker's probably not very happy, either.