Felix the Goddamn Cat
So I got my hands on a disk of original, semi-silent 1920s Felix the Cat cartoons. Having never even seen the new Felix before, I didn't know what to expect. Actually no, that's not true; I expected them to be boring. Like, "black and white tulips dancing to vaudeville music followed by jokes referencing a celebrity no one remembers and also prohibition THE END" boring. And granted, there is some of that. Bu- HEY. DON'T SCROLL AWAY FROM ME YOU BASTARD. This is fun, I swear. - But they're kinda messed up too. From what I can gather, a standard Felix the Cat cartoon goes like this:
1. Felix has to 'find something out' or is just hungry, and travels across the world for it.
2. Something happens involving alcohol, firearms, and/or possessed wieners.
3. One or more of Felix's body parts come off.
4. Hallucinations.
5. ????
THE END.
To show you what I mean, here's a brief screenshot synopsis of each episode, accompanied by my totally coherent and objective explanations. (Use "Next" to navigate.) [EDIT: This no longer works as of LJ's new scrapbook system because everything is out of order. I'll fix it eventually. Fixed]
Two-Lip Time
It starts normal enough. Felix is doing cat stuff on a boat.
After another agonized voyage, Felix finds himself - IN SPANISH!
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT, AWWWWWW YEAAAAAAH.
Underage chicks dig guys with ears that aren't attached to their heads... and that's not all, baby.
Mmmmm, ohh Feliiix. Your mouth tastes like dead rats.
Oh you did NOT just cheat on me with the FUCKING CAT.
No, he doesn't have a mustache, it's just his weird dutch mouth.
Felix defeats his rival by inflating his pants in an obscure internet fetish moment. I just can't get over the little girl's aimless, not-there expression which stays utterly frozen the entire time this is happening.
The look of surreal detachment works in many situations.
But no honeymoon lasts forever. THE END.
April Maze
Due to unspecified events in a previous episode, Felix is now a single parent. That's Inky and Winky, and yes, they will kill themselves in high school after years of ridicule, but for now they are on a picnic with dancing wieners.
Their wills broken, the wieners cooperatively lie down to await consumption. Felix and co. remember to pray in thanks to the wiener spirit...
BUT THEY DID NOT PRAY TO ALLAH AND THIS ANGERS HIM!!! He DESTROYS their picnic with lightning and terrible things happen to them for the rest of the episode, especially when they try to pray again. Let that be a lesson to you.
This time rattlesnakes appear!
Now Tardbear has stolen the pic-in-ic basket!
The thing about a bear is, he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't even seem to be livin'. 'Til he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white...
Suddenly, the stork randomly delivers a baby.
Felix wants to eat the baby!
But it's an ambush. They overpower him, and Felix pays back child support to his estranged 6 year-old Dutch wife forever. God hates you, Felix. THE END.
Felix Doubles for Darwin
Felix is sad because he's dead.
Science will solve this problem!
Fuck you, creationists. Felix is on the case.
Uh oh.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmmmmm.
Wait, sorry, this isn't from Felix. My bad.
Felix is chased by the angry ape people out of South Africa, only to come to this stunning realization…
YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!! THE END.
Felix Finds Out
Felix finds five fucking cents! Holy FUCK!
He uses his newfound wealth and influence to buy a hot dog through his new Honduran slave child. What can go wrong?
BUT THE HOT DOG COMES TO LIFE!!! Again!
It screams and screams!!
But Felix ain't no hippy pussy. He lures the hotdogs into a trap and FUCKS THEM UP, then vores them alive like the goddamn furry he is.
Felix and child emerge, fondling their bellies pulsating with squirming wieners.
Felix, the answers you're looking for can't be found in the bottom of a jug, only in the bottom of JESUS.
LSD flashbacks raise the demons of a guilty past!
Monstrous vengeful wieners are everywhere!!
Still tripping out, Felix gets in a fight with the moon.
Felix keeps freaking out all night until he staggers back home in a daze. THE END.
All Puzzled
Felix's owner is an abusive schizophrenic.
Wtf could it be?
Felix travels all the way to Russia to find the answer and get some goddamn milk. I guess his owner's an international milk baron with a stranglehold on the industry or something, so he can't go anywhere else.
Hilarity ensues.
Whoa, what the Christ dude?! Hold on! That's pretty freakin' harsh.
Felix slips away... but Russia's got the bomb!!
Blown back home, Felix has to bend over so this can happen.
Waitaminute...
That's it!! Crossword puzzles are so easy when you can't spell! HAHAHA, their country is terrible. THE END.
Felix Gets the Can
Compelled by another flashback, Felix must go to Alaska.
Wieners, wieners, wieners!! Why he doesn't just gobble his wieners, I don't know.
Felix runs afoul of an ordinary Alaskan. Jeez, alcohol AND a gun this time, huh? Felix beats a hasty retreat, but...
…thanks to governor Palin's aerial cat hunting bounties!
Tragically falling prey to the soulless Alaskan industrial complex, Felix was processed into a can and served back to his owner at some kind of restaurant that serves meat directly from cans. THE END.
Felix Goes West
Thanks to the degradation of the US economy, Felix is now a hobo.
Like all hobos, Felix wants to break into your house and assault you at dinner.
Felix realizes the plight of racial minorities in western society.
Me fail English? That's unpossible.
WHAT? That is IGNORANCE, sir.
Wow, does anyone in the world not want to gun down Felix?
Felix is brutally thrown from the plane and plummets like a stone into a cactus field, but, since it's been previously established that he's dead, he walks away largely unharmed.
Another randomly hostile white dude attacks Felix, but is distracted when the appearance of a nearby bear encourages him to remove his pants.
Extinct delicacies!
PAYBACK, MOTHERFUCKER.
D'oh. Turns out it's a just a stereotype!
Felix is honored with the traditional Native American sendoff, but in his insensitive cultural bias treats it as punishment.
In the end Felix learns nothing from his experiences, and the cycle of ignorance and intolerance continues. THE END.
Felix in Hollywood
Felix's new owner has an unusual fetish.
Only by spreading my fists and frowning at a nearby wall can I do this!
Who deploys their cat to get stuff for them? Worst. Pimp. Ever.
Don't think about it.
Morphing his body into a handbag somehow, Felix has snuck his way into Hollywood where... he... dude, really?
...and Felix returns to his favorite pastime of interspecies voyeurism.
DON'T BE A FURRY.
what
what
And then I guess this happened, or something. Whatever, man. I'm getting a drink.
Felix the Cat: mascot for the NRA.'Hang on sir, I'll mercy-kill you!'
HahahaHAHAhaaaahaaaahaaa hah hah hahaHAHAHAHAHA Ha Ha Ha Haaa Haaaaaaaaa...Felix, you so crazy! THE END. @_@
Incidentally, the Australian creator of Felix would later be crushed by Disney and fall into an alcoholic depression and mental collapse culminating shortly in his death, and the franchise would subsequently be ruined for decades until a new kid-friendly version appeared. But to me, the real Felix will always be about gun violence on a bad acid trip.
~In Memoriam~
Drunken Tardbear, 1930-1930
1. Felix has to 'find something out' or is just hungry, and travels across the world for it.
2. Something happens involving alcohol, firearms, and/or possessed wieners.
3. One or more of Felix's body parts come off.
4. Hallucinations.
5. ????
THE END.
To show you what I mean, here's a brief screenshot synopsis of each episode, accompanied by my totally coherent and objective explanations. (Use "Next" to navigate.) [EDIT: This no longer works as of LJ's new scrapbook system because everything is out of order. I'll fix it eventually. Fixed]
Two-Lip Time
It starts normal enough. Felix is doing cat stuff on a boat.
After another agonized voyage, Felix finds himself - IN SPANISH!
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT, AWWWWWW YEAAAAAAH.
Underage chicks dig guys with ears that aren't attached to their heads... and that's not all, baby.
Mmmmm, ohh Feliiix. Your mouth tastes like dead rats.
Oh you did NOT just cheat on me with the FUCKING CAT.
No, he doesn't have a mustache, it's just his weird dutch mouth.
Felix defeats his rival by inflating his pants in an obscure internet fetish moment. I just can't get over the little girl's aimless, not-there expression which stays utterly frozen the entire time this is happening.
The look of surreal detachment works in many situations.
But no honeymoon lasts forever. THE END.
April Maze
Due to unspecified events in a previous episode, Felix is now a single parent. That's Inky and Winky, and yes, they will kill themselves in high school after years of ridicule, but for now they are on a picnic with dancing wieners.
Their wills broken, the wieners cooperatively lie down to await consumption. Felix and co. remember to pray in thanks to the wiener spirit...
BUT THEY DID NOT PRAY TO ALLAH AND THIS ANGERS HIM!!! He DESTROYS their picnic with lightning and terrible things happen to them for the rest of the episode, especially when they try to pray again. Let that be a lesson to you.
This time rattlesnakes appear!
Now Tardbear has stolen the pic-in-ic basket!
The thing about a bear is, he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't even seem to be livin'. 'Til he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white...
Suddenly, the stork randomly delivers a baby.
Felix wants to eat the baby!
But it's an ambush. They overpower him, and Felix pays back child support to his estranged 6 year-old Dutch wife forever. God hates you, Felix. THE END.
Felix Doubles for Darwin
Felix is sad because he's dead.
Science will solve this problem!
Fuck you, creationists. Felix is on the case.
Uh oh.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmmmmm.
Wait, sorry, this isn't from Felix. My bad.
Felix is chased by the angry ape people out of South Africa, only to come to this stunning realization…
YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!! THE END.
Felix Finds Out
Felix finds five fucking cents! Holy FUCK!
He uses his newfound wealth and influence to buy a hot dog through his new Honduran slave child. What can go wrong?
BUT THE HOT DOG COMES TO LIFE!!! Again!
It screams and screams!!
But Felix ain't no hippy pussy. He lures the hotdogs into a trap and FUCKS THEM UP, then vores them alive like the goddamn furry he is.
Felix and child emerge, fondling their bellies pulsating with squirming wieners.
Felix, the answers you're looking for can't be found in the bottom of a jug, only in the bottom of JESUS.
LSD flashbacks raise the demons of a guilty past!
Monstrous vengeful wieners are everywhere!!
Still tripping out, Felix gets in a fight with the moon.
Felix keeps freaking out all night until he staggers back home in a daze. THE END.
All Puzzled
Felix's owner is an abusive schizophrenic.
Wtf could it be?
Felix travels all the way to Russia to find the answer and get some goddamn milk. I guess his owner's an international milk baron with a stranglehold on the industry or something, so he can't go anywhere else.
Hilarity ensues.
Whoa, what the Christ dude?! Hold on! That's pretty freakin' harsh.
Felix slips away... but Russia's got the bomb!!
Blown back home, Felix has to bend over so this can happen.
Waitaminute...
That's it!! Crossword puzzles are so easy when you can't spell! HAHAHA, their country is terrible. THE END.
Felix Gets the Can
Compelled by another flashback, Felix must go to Alaska.
Wieners, wieners, wieners!! Why he doesn't just gobble his wieners, I don't know.
Felix runs afoul of an ordinary Alaskan. Jeez, alcohol AND a gun this time, huh? Felix beats a hasty retreat, but...
…thanks to governor Palin's aerial cat hunting bounties!
Tragically falling prey to the soulless Alaskan industrial complex, Felix was processed into a can and served back to his owner at some kind of restaurant that serves meat directly from cans. THE END.
Felix Goes West
Thanks to the degradation of the US economy, Felix is now a hobo.
Like all hobos, Felix wants to break into your house and assault you at dinner.
Felix realizes the plight of racial minorities in western society.
Me fail English? That's unpossible.
WHAT? That is IGNORANCE, sir.
Wow, does anyone in the world not want to gun down Felix?
Felix is brutally thrown from the plane and plummets like a stone into a cactus field, but, since it's been previously established that he's dead, he walks away largely unharmed.
Another randomly hostile white dude attacks Felix, but is distracted when the appearance of a nearby bear encourages him to remove his pants.
Extinct delicacies!
PAYBACK, MOTHERFUCKER.
D'oh. Turns out it's a just a stereotype!
Felix is honored with the traditional Native American sendoff, but in his insensitive cultural bias treats it as punishment.
In the end Felix learns nothing from his experiences, and the cycle of ignorance and intolerance continues. THE END.
Felix in Hollywood
Felix's new owner has an unusual fetish.
Only by spreading my fists and frowning at a nearby wall can I do this!
Who deploys their cat to get stuff for them? Worst. Pimp. Ever.
Don't think about it.
Morphing his body into a handbag somehow, Felix has snuck his way into Hollywood where... he... dude, really?
...and Felix returns to his favorite pastime of interspecies voyeurism.
DON'T BE A FURRY.
what
what
And then I guess this happened, or something. Whatever, man. I'm getting a drink.
Felix the Cat: mascot for the NRA.'Hang on sir, I'll mercy-kill you!'
HahahaHAHAhaaaahaaaahaaa hah hah hahaHAHAHAHAHA Ha Ha Ha Haaa Haaaaaaaaa...Felix, you so crazy! THE END. @_@
Incidentally, the Australian creator of Felix would later be crushed by Disney and fall into an alcoholic depression and mental collapse culminating shortly in his death, and the franchise would subsequently be ruined for decades until a new kid-friendly version appeared. But to me, the real Felix will always be about gun violence on a bad acid trip.
~In Memoriam~
Drunken Tardbear, 1930-1930