Let me tell you a story.
This story is about a 13 year old, going into 6th grade. He didn't have alot of friends. He spoke funny, had glasses, and chubby to boot. Then one day a friend introduced him to a game. Now this was in the time before WOW, and even Everquest. When role playing online mostly consisted of creative chats in ICQ or AOL chat rooms. So when I learned I could live inside this virtual space, and let my repressed social side roam free, it was liberating to say the least. At first I was shy, even there. Uncomfortable in new surroundings, I was quiet. I wanted to blend it, not make trouble. Slowly however, my thoughts and ideas, mixed with a fair slice of a need to explore sides of myself which were the polar opposite of how I acted on day to day basis. I could throw fireballs, I could wear platemail armor, and yes; I could kill dragons. One could say it was my "Leave it to beaver". We all have one. Something as children that we put ourselves in and who by proxy, learn valuable life lessons. But it was more then fantasy. It was more then just the freedom of being who ever I wanted to be, it was practice in how to relate to others, how to socialize in a "safe" environment. When the worst that can happen is be decapitated by a gargoyle, you can, even if for just one moment, escape the grip of fear that grasps many a young heart. No, not of the boogyman, but the much grander fear of being letting someone in close, and being hurt once again. But here I could speak I could feel cool, I could act tough, I could talk to women, and better yet they would talk to me. I learned the subtle delicate of male/female interactions. The game within the game one could say. It was here I could me who I truly want to be, and who I hope, who I really am inside.
So skip ahead 14 years. I meet a girl. A girl whom I met in game. Well that's not exactly true, but close enough. We hit it off right off that bat. Dark sense of humor, no bullshit, and didn't mind slapping me around verbally, or be slapped around right back. She was the real deal. Not someone shy pretending to be tough, or someone tough playing on the pre-misconceptions of ignorant males. "I 'am what I 'am". But see there lies the irony. Perhaps we have too many masks, or we don't wear masks at all, but people like us have a certain way about us that a lot of people just don't get. They call us argumentative, odd, bitch, asshole, etc. And it was this girl I met in this game. A game where I allow people in as close as they wish to get, because Its just a game right? I cant actually get physically hurt. So it bypassed my substantial emotional barriers. At first I just thought of her as my sister. More like a frat mate then a women. And I think that's how she meant it to stay. But no, sorry. Cant hide from a hider. My perception is just too damn high. I have Perma clear vision. So was it a surprise when I met her in real life. WTF mate, fire the missiles. Why does my friend have boobs? And why do I feel like rough housing when ever she bit her tongue like she did. It scared me. Here was this women, whom I liked, in front of me, jumping and hugging me. So what did I do? Shut down. Auto pilot. I wasn't Trikein anymore (yes, that's why my journal is called that) even if I wanted to be. I was Tim. She wanted to hang out with the character she knew. The in game personal. While I wanted to do was get to know and explore this new person I was seeing before me. This real person. In her eyes though, real people were dangerous. Real people are kept at arms length. I took that reservation as rejection. So the 13 year old came back. The other me was still there. And if I had been able to come to grips with how I felt for her(you would think admitting and accepting would be the same thing, but no) I would have been able to come out and play. Two porcupines, meeting in the sandbox. All we can really do is play catch.
There have been many people I have met in that game. Many people I have come to meet in real life. Many women who I engaged in physical activities with(Ok, many be too strong a word, but grant me poetic license) but very few do I remember after the relationship. So why do I keep thinking about her? The word love has so little meaning without context. The feeling is far more important. And its not love really. That's too mushy. Weak. I just want her in my life. She is my co star, or I am hers, not sure. Together perhaps we form Voltron. ::grin:: Or captain Planet. ::ponder:: But so it all comes back to the game. Do I play it, and do we tear up the in game town proper? Or do I aim for something a bit more real? I ask that question but I don't feel as if the answer is important. Until then I will enjoy her company. May we both rock on with our bad ass selves.
So skip ahead 14 years. I meet a girl. A girl whom I met in game. Well that's not exactly true, but close enough. We hit it off right off that bat. Dark sense of humor, no bullshit, and didn't mind slapping me around verbally, or be slapped around right back. She was the real deal. Not someone shy pretending to be tough, or someone tough playing on the pre-misconceptions of ignorant males. "I 'am what I 'am". But see there lies the irony. Perhaps we have too many masks, or we don't wear masks at all, but people like us have a certain way about us that a lot of people just don't get. They call us argumentative, odd, bitch, asshole, etc. And it was this girl I met in this game. A game where I allow people in as close as they wish to get, because Its just a game right? I cant actually get physically hurt. So it bypassed my substantial emotional barriers. At first I just thought of her as my sister. More like a frat mate then a women. And I think that's how she meant it to stay. But no, sorry. Cant hide from a hider. My perception is just too damn high. I have Perma clear vision. So was it a surprise when I met her in real life. WTF mate, fire the missiles. Why does my friend have boobs? And why do I feel like rough housing when ever she bit her tongue like she did. It scared me. Here was this women, whom I liked, in front of me, jumping and hugging me. So what did I do? Shut down. Auto pilot. I wasn't Trikein anymore (yes, that's why my journal is called that) even if I wanted to be. I was Tim. She wanted to hang out with the character she knew. The in game personal. While I wanted to do was get to know and explore this new person I was seeing before me. This real person. In her eyes though, real people were dangerous. Real people are kept at arms length. I took that reservation as rejection. So the 13 year old came back. The other me was still there. And if I had been able to come to grips with how I felt for her(you would think admitting and accepting would be the same thing, but no) I would have been able to come out and play. Two porcupines, meeting in the sandbox. All we can really do is play catch.
There have been many people I have met in that game. Many people I have come to meet in real life. Many women who I engaged in physical activities with(Ok, many be too strong a word, but grant me poetic license) but very few do I remember after the relationship. So why do I keep thinking about her? The word love has so little meaning without context. The feeling is far more important. And its not love really. That's too mushy. Weak. I just want her in my life. She is my co star, or I am hers, not sure. Together perhaps we form Voltron. ::grin:: Or captain Planet. ::ponder:: But so it all comes back to the game. Do I play it, and do we tear up the in game town proper? Or do I aim for something a bit more real? I ask that question but I don't feel as if the answer is important. Until then I will enjoy her company. May we both rock on with our bad ass selves.