Past, Present & Future, Chapter 16
Chapter 16: One Step At A Time
He’s been home for a week; the hospital let him out after 2 days since there’s nothing serious. But he was told to take an extra holiday at home to recuperate especially because his lack of sleep before his hospitalization and he lost some weight. He’s not seriously sick but not healthy enough either. Yoochun told him not to think about the firm, he had capable people to cover for him and he would report to him regularly.
A soft knock on the door and came in his mother. “Jaejoong-ah, do you want to have your dinner here or at the dining room?”
“Err, I’ll be down, Oemonim. Thank you.”
Her mother looked at him in hesitation, “Oh, ok, I’ll… get it ready then.”
“Thank you.” She didn’t move. He raised an eyebrow, “Anything else?”
“I just- nothing, nothing important.” She smiled at him but he could see a tint of sadness in her eyes and he didn’t stop himself from asking.
“You can say what you want to say, Oemonim.”
Even before she said something he could see it in her eyes because he used to have that look many years ago. The fear of rejection. And he couldn’t help not to feel a bit guilty though he had no reason to.
“Jaejoong-ah… is it- is it too hard to call me Umma?”
“…”
She quickly dismissed herself two seconds later with a small laugh, “Ah, don’t think about it! Oemonim is fine, I don’t think I deserve to be called Umma after all. I’m just… I’m thankful that you’re giving me a second chance to take care of you.” She chuckled nervously. “I’ll be down, don’t be late for dinner, you still have to take your medicine.” She turned away and left him in his thoughts.
Those two days at the hospital with his mother was totally awkward. It felt strange to be taken care of by his mother at this age after her abandonment when he was young. He kept rejecting her good intention and rebelled like a teenager but his mother had been nothing but patient. Many times he hurt her with his words but he could see that she was sincere this time. Though there was disappointment in her eyes towards his rejection, she still tried her best to act like a real mother.
After he returned home she didn’t change at all, if not more attentive since she had the maids and the butler behind her to support. And Jaejoong learned to let her do her best to help him. Life is funny, just when he felt like he’d been left behind by everyone that he wanted to love him, one love returned to mend his broken and battered heart. Though it’s hard to admit, but his mother’s constant care had helped him get through the fact that forever there would never be Jaejoong and Yunho anymore. Not even a single thing to connect them as friends nor foes. No more Moonbin too.
Those two nights at the hospital, he cried a lot, feeling lonely and in despair. But he came to terms of his selfishness in trying to win Yunho’s heart back by taking what’s most important to him. As the result, in the end he’s the one who lost everything, he wasn’t sure whether he could give another chance for himself to love. Maybe he would learn to do that too… one step at a time.
Why did it take so long for him to realize how screwed up he had been? 18 years ago he was so sure that nothing could take him down as long as he was with Yunho. But just a little crack that his father created, he already left the one that’s more important to him. He remembered that he never gave Yunho any room of explanation. Looking at the person the he had turned out to be, there was no way that he had taken the cheque from his father for the money. If he was that kind of person he wouldn’t live the way he did with Moonbin.
Moonbin… strange but he missed his presence in this house. Did he hate him? Maybe at first… or maybe it wasn’t hate. It was jealousy. Jealousy over the kid’s opportunity to be loved by Yunho wholeheartedly. And even after he took him away from him, they managed to mend their relationship though they didn’t meet at all.
Everytime he looked at him, he couldn’t forget the image of the poor baby in the toilet that cried at the top of his lungs to stay alive. He was a fighter. And he could’ve been his son too. Someone he could’ve loved just the same, share the unseen future together. As he grew up he looked like Yunho more and more… and that hurt him so much. To see someone that he can’t have in front of him; greeting him with a smile every morning and every night. He envied what that kid had with Yunho.
Then why did he act so cold in front of him? He was stupid and immature. It’s too difficult to start loving when all his live he was never being loved and love in return. He was so afraid that one day Moonbin would wake up and realized that he didn’t love him like Yunho loved him and leave him. After all, he wasn’t even part of his 15 years of life. It was the right thing to do to make him leave when he realized that Yunho would never be his again. If he let him stay longer, he might want to have him as his own again despite he was Yunho’s and was never his in the first place.
Ah, how screwed up his life had been. Guess it’s time to start over and be the old Jaejoong that had grown up and learned from the bitter facts of life. He should come down now before his mother got worried and come up again to call him. While he walked down the stairs, he heard some laughter from the living room. He frowned as he didn’t remember anyone who cared enough to come visit at dinner time. And Yoochun never laughed with his mother.
He couldn’t believe to see the person that his mother was hugging who called out to him when he saw him.
“Jaejoong-ahjussi! I’m glad that you look great! I’m sorry that I haven’t come to see you in the hospital.” Moonbin quickly ran and gave him a brief hug. “You lost weight.”
He was stunned. Moonbin never hugged him before. In fact, they never had any physical interaction before.
“Why…”
“I wanna see you. I… just left that night though I knew you were sick.” He smiled sheepishly. “I’m sorry… but I’ve heard from Halmeoni that you’re recuperating. I also think it wasn’t a good idea to see you at the hospital since you might need a total rest.”
“Oh…” he was too shocked to utter another word.
“But… someone else wants to see you too.”
“Someone else…”
Moonbin turned his gaze at the corner of the room and nodded, “Appa! Don’t just stand there like a statue. I thought you’re here to see Jaejoong-ahjussi, you can at least say something.”
Yunho smiled awkwardly while he just froze at his spot. Yunho? He came to see him?
It all seemed unreal until he stood right in front of him, tall and looked extraordinarily handsome and mature.
“Hey, sorry I couldn’t come earlier to see you. I hope you’re all better now.”
He was still speechless. Yunho… here… at his house…
And his mother once again came to the rescue to play his motherly role.
“Jaejoong, I think it’s time for you to have dinner. You should take your medicine on time. And Binnie, Yunho, would you mind to have dinner with us too?”
“Yeah! I missed your Pajeon, Halmeoni! Are you making any? Appa, Halmeoni makes the best pajeon! Even better than yours!” He strolled to the following Yun-Ah to the dining hall, leaving the two adults who were still looking at each other.
“If you don’t mind… I- I can stay for dinner.” Yunho whispered in front of him.
He swallowed the lump at the back of his throat, “I don’t mind…”
Just what kind of pranks that life was playing him again? Jaejoong wondered as he walked together in silence with Yunho and seated himself at the end of the table.
* * * * *
If he hadn’t found out about their past, Moonbin would’ve had laughed out loud at the tension around the dining table. His father and Jaejoong-ahjussi both took each end of the tables to eat, and it’s as an 8 seater. Which meant that there were 3 seats separating them on each side. He chose to sit in the middle of one side with Halmeoni in front of him.
Both men wouldn’t look at each other, his father looked nervous while he couldn’t read Jae-ahjussi’s expression at all. At first he seemed shocked to see him but it changed completely when he saw his father. From shocked - to fear - to relief - to sadness. And he wouldn’t lift his face at all so he it’s hard for him to guess what’s on his mind. He just hoped that he had made the right decision to make his father came along.
He cleared his throat before he tried to make a conversation, “Thank you for cooking the Pajeon, Halmeoni, though you had to do it right before dinner! But I missed it… Told ya’ that’s it’s great, isn’t it Appa?”
His father was staring at Jaejoong who still ate with his face down on his bowl, “Appa!”
“Eh, what? Yes, thank you for the nice dinner Ah- Ahjumma.” He’s still not used to call her Ahjumma, but Moonbin had insisted because ‘It doesn’t makes sense for you to call Halmeoni Kim-ssi if I call her Halmeoni!’
Moonbin rolled his eyes at his father’s reply while Yun-Ah tried to stifle his laughter.
“Jae-ahjussi, you should eat more, you just got out of the hospital after all. It’s not good to eat that little before you take your medicine. That’s what Appa’s doctor told him, right, Appa?”
Jae-ahjussi nodded, still didn’t look up but he replied softly, “I’m full already.”
He winked at Halmeoni to cue her, “Appa, please get Jae-ahjussi to eat just a little more. I don’t think I can eat anything anymore. Halmeoni, you said you have something to show me? May I leave the dishes at the sink?”
Before either man had any chance to say anything, he and Halmeoni had walked out of the dining room and headed to the living room.
Right after they got to the living room they both burst out laughing as they sat themselves on the sofa, side by side.
Halmeoni pinched his cheek, “Wicked!”
“Serves them right! Appa kept eavesdropping on our conversation everytime we’re online and he happened to hear me mentioned Jae-ahjussi’s name but he didn’t have the guts to ask me right out though he’s curious about Ahjussi’s condition! He felt a bit guilty, he thought that he got sick because of what he did the last time they met.”
“And I bet that you’re the one who implanted that guilt in him?”
He grinned mischievously. “I think I did the right thing.”
They didn’t say anything for awhile. “Halmeoni, I hope they clear up their misunderstanding soon. Even if they don’t get back together, I want them at least to be friends though I still have some hope that they could get back to the way they used to.” He sounded melancholic as he sighed.
Yun-Ah reached out for his hand, “Why do you want them to get back together? Don’t you hate Jaejoong for what he had done to you? By separating you from your father? Why do you want to give him another chance into your life again?”
He squeezed her hand in his. “I don’t hate him. Maybe I did, but not anymore. After I got to live here, I could only see a lonely man that he was. He was immature when he left Appa and I… he felt betrayed but he had paid the price for his unhappiness. He married someone he didn’t love, living a life according to other’s expectation and the plan that had been laid out before him. The only one he could trust was Yoochun-ahjussi, but it’s not love. He was haunted by the love that he lost to his own stupidity and immaturity.
“Appa never dated anyone else, he lived to raise me. At one point of time I even thought that he’s impotent and had lost his sexual desire with his arm but when I grew up and getting to know… things, I couldn’t miss the spark in his eyes when someone brought up his past love life. He couldn’t forget Jae-ahjussi. He was the man that he left his house for at the first place and he was left without having any chance to explain himself. He told me that he didn’t know what he felt right now, but I’m sure deep inside he still loved Jae-ahjussi.”
He turned his eyes to Yun-Ah, “Halmeoni, even when he’s hurt after Jae-ahjussi left him, even when he was depressed after losing his arm, even after almost 20 years; he had been living for me, for my happiness. I may be young and hadn’t seen a lot of this world, but I know love when I see it ‘cause I’ve been raised with the love of my father, my uncle Min, Jihye-noona and many more. For Appa, it’s always been about me. And this time, I want to return the love to him… to make him love and feel loved again as a man, he deserves that and so much more. And that’s something that I can’t give him, but perhaps Jae-ahjussi can.
“And I want Jae-ahjussi to feel the love too. You’ve done your part, but it’s not the same. If… if we could turn back time and lived differently, I might have known you a long time ago… and we could have been living as family. Call me selfish, but I want a family too. A complete set of parents, an uncle and an aunt… and a grandmother...”
Yun-Ah reached out to caress his cheek, “You’re a fine boy, Binnie… you’re a fine boy. You’re so full of love and you’re not afraid to share it with someone like me too. I’ll be proud to have a grandson like you… I know I am. You have a pure heart just like your father… I’m sure that your wish will come true.”
They’re both wishing in their hearts that a day will come when they can be together again as family.
* * * * *
The two men who were left at the dining table still didn’t say a word to each other, not ready to be left alone. But Yunho broke the silence first.
“Bin was right… you have to eat more. You’re losing weight.”
“I’m full.” That’s all he said.
“Oh…” another silence. “I’m sorry…”
And Jaejoong snapped, “What are you sorry for?”
Yunho was taken aback by the sudden harshness in his tone.
“Are you sorry for coming or you are you sorry because you think you’re the one that made me sick?”
“I…” He regained his composure fast. If Jaejoong wants to play a game, he’d play along. “I’m sorry for not coming sooner to see you though I knew that you’re in the hospital.”
It’s Jaejoong’s turn to be surprised. “You- you don’t have too. It’s not your fault, I didn’t take care of myself well. Thanks for coming.” He shoved his plates and stood up, wanting to run way from the awkwardness, “I need to take my medicine, it’s in my room.”
But the sleeve of his robes got caught in the chair’s hand rest, in his haste in trying to get it off, he lost his balance and was twisted to another direction, almost fell on his back if not for a pair of strong hands that caught his back.
“Easy Jae, hold on. Don’t move, let me…” He quickly freed his sleeve. Jaejoong held his breath in the close proximity of Yunho’s presence.
As soon as he’s free, he shook off Yunho’s hold on him, “Thanks.” He turned around and the ground was spinning below him before the same pair of hands held him again.
“I told you that you need to eat more.” He sighed, “Let me help you to your room.”
Jaejoong didn’t want him to get closer or stay longer, but he’d been laying on his bed the whole day and he had a blood rush when he stood up abruptly, they were also right that he didn’t eat as much as he was supposed to. The doctor also diagnosed him with anemia from the lack of eating and sleeping, but his appetite hadn’t returned normally. It seemed that it came to him in his shock to see Yunho at his home and the nervousness that he felt.
He wanted to refuse Yunho’s help but he didn’t know how to do that without hurting him again, he had done enough of that for the past 3 years.
His mother and Moonbin came up with a worried face, “What happened.”
“I’m fine… just a bit dizzy.”
“No, you’re not fine. You lost your balance in there and I told you that you didn’t eat enough. Ahjumma, would you mind to get the maid to make him some soup? I don’t think he should eat his medicine with only that spoonful of rice that he took for dinner. I’ll help him to his room.”
“That’s okay, I’ll make it myself. Give me half an hour.”
Both of them didn’t catch the look of victory on Yun-Ah and Moonbin’s eyes as they proceeded to the stairs to get to Jaejoong’s room.
“Appa, do you need help?” Moonbin called out.
“Nah, I’m fine, he’s not as heavy as you are, Bin.”
Moonbin snorted, “That’s not funny. I’ll help Halmeoni in the kitchen.”
Yunho kept walking with one hand supporting Jaejoong. When they got inside he put Jaejoong on the bed and pulled the duvet to cover him. “Better?”
Jaejoong nodded. “Need anything else?” Jaejoong shook his head and Yunho pulled a seat to sit next to Jaejoong’s side of the bed.
He looked around his room, “Nice room. I like that painting above the dresser… I didn’t know that you like Monet.”
“I didn’t pick it. Everything was designed by professional interior designers that my father paid.”
“Oh… I see. Still, those people had good taste.” He turned back to look at Jaejoong again. “To tell you the truth, I didn’t know what I was going to say when I met you though I said yes when Binnie asked me to see you here. He was worried; he called your mother everyday to check up on you.”
“He did?” He genuinely surprised.
“And…” he nervously took a deep breath, “He told me that I owed you an explanation. And that I should clear it up as soon as possible.”
He raised an eyebrow, “What explanation?”
“You know… the cheque.”
“The ch- oh! The cheque…” His heart beat furiously awaiting for something that he should’ve heard many years ago.
“I wasn’t going to lie to you, I was tempted to cash the cheque first. We didn’t have much money and I had to support you and baby Binnie. I was just 18 years old, I used to live like royalty and so were you, I was tired. I felt it wasn’t fair that we both had to live in misery just because we loved each other.
“But I thought of that for only 5 minutes. I knew it wasn’t right. And I planned to keep the cheque without cashing it, worked hard, save money, and when we’re independent enough I wanted to give it to you so you could go see your father and tear the cheque in front of him. To show him that we’ve been able to live without him, that we didn’t need his money to support us at all.”
Jaejoong’s breath hitched, full of guilt and anger of his own impatience that cost him the man that he loved with all his heart. “Why- why didn’t you tell me when I was angry and walked out of the door?”
Yunho smiled, “Because I trusted you. You were angry, if I told you what I had thought, you would say that I was making an excuse. Would you believe me if I tell you this at that time? You didn’t even trust me enough and just left. I tried to trust you, to believe that you would calm down and return when you could think clearly. But you never did.”
He wanted to cry, what an idiot he had been. “I- I don’t- I…” He wanted to say something but only tears came out.
“It’s in the past… we were both immature… I was wrong too by pushing you to take care of Moonbin when I should’ve known that you’re not used to have a sibling, or a baby… it was too big of a responsibility. I was tired but I could’ve taken a better care of you. We both made a mistake.”
Yunho took a tissue from the bedside table and wiped his tears, “Stop crying and stress yourself… there’s no need to blame yourself over the past. We were both stupid and too caught up in our own ideals of a perfect family that we forgot to consider each other’s feelings. Just… eat a lot and recover quickly. It’s not good to leave the office too long.”
His face came closer as he continued to clean up his face, “Don’t cry… I always hate to see you cry…”
They looked into each other’s eyes and Jaejoong could see Yunho’s gaze on his lips. He closed his eyes. He felt Yunho’s breath ghosted over the skin of his face. But a loud knock broke the spell as he shot his eyes opened, Yunho already on his feet.
“Soup’s ready! We’re coming in!” Moonbin yelled from behind the door.
Though they didn’t get to do anything after that, something changed inside the hearts of every one of them. And the change is going at a right direction… one step at a time.
* * * * *
Chapter 17
He’s been home for a week; the hospital let him out after 2 days since there’s nothing serious. But he was told to take an extra holiday at home to recuperate especially because his lack of sleep before his hospitalization and he lost some weight. He’s not seriously sick but not healthy enough either. Yoochun told him not to think about the firm, he had capable people to cover for him and he would report to him regularly.
A soft knock on the door and came in his mother. “Jaejoong-ah, do you want to have your dinner here or at the dining room?”
“Err, I’ll be down, Oemonim. Thank you.”
Her mother looked at him in hesitation, “Oh, ok, I’ll… get it ready then.”
“Thank you.” She didn’t move. He raised an eyebrow, “Anything else?”
“I just- nothing, nothing important.” She smiled at him but he could see a tint of sadness in her eyes and he didn’t stop himself from asking.
“You can say what you want to say, Oemonim.”
Even before she said something he could see it in her eyes because he used to have that look many years ago. The fear of rejection. And he couldn’t help not to feel a bit guilty though he had no reason to.
“Jaejoong-ah… is it- is it too hard to call me Umma?”
“…”
She quickly dismissed herself two seconds later with a small laugh, “Ah, don’t think about it! Oemonim is fine, I don’t think I deserve to be called Umma after all. I’m just… I’m thankful that you’re giving me a second chance to take care of you.” She chuckled nervously. “I’ll be down, don’t be late for dinner, you still have to take your medicine.” She turned away and left him in his thoughts.
Those two days at the hospital with his mother was totally awkward. It felt strange to be taken care of by his mother at this age after her abandonment when he was young. He kept rejecting her good intention and rebelled like a teenager but his mother had been nothing but patient. Many times he hurt her with his words but he could see that she was sincere this time. Though there was disappointment in her eyes towards his rejection, she still tried her best to act like a real mother.
After he returned home she didn’t change at all, if not more attentive since she had the maids and the butler behind her to support. And Jaejoong learned to let her do her best to help him. Life is funny, just when he felt like he’d been left behind by everyone that he wanted to love him, one love returned to mend his broken and battered heart. Though it’s hard to admit, but his mother’s constant care had helped him get through the fact that forever there would never be Jaejoong and Yunho anymore. Not even a single thing to connect them as friends nor foes. No more Moonbin too.
Those two nights at the hospital, he cried a lot, feeling lonely and in despair. But he came to terms of his selfishness in trying to win Yunho’s heart back by taking what’s most important to him. As the result, in the end he’s the one who lost everything, he wasn’t sure whether he could give another chance for himself to love. Maybe he would learn to do that too… one step at a time.
Why did it take so long for him to realize how screwed up he had been? 18 years ago he was so sure that nothing could take him down as long as he was with Yunho. But just a little crack that his father created, he already left the one that’s more important to him. He remembered that he never gave Yunho any room of explanation. Looking at the person the he had turned out to be, there was no way that he had taken the cheque from his father for the money. If he was that kind of person he wouldn’t live the way he did with Moonbin.
Moonbin… strange but he missed his presence in this house. Did he hate him? Maybe at first… or maybe it wasn’t hate. It was jealousy. Jealousy over the kid’s opportunity to be loved by Yunho wholeheartedly. And even after he took him away from him, they managed to mend their relationship though they didn’t meet at all.
Everytime he looked at him, he couldn’t forget the image of the poor baby in the toilet that cried at the top of his lungs to stay alive. He was a fighter. And he could’ve been his son too. Someone he could’ve loved just the same, share the unseen future together. As he grew up he looked like Yunho more and more… and that hurt him so much. To see someone that he can’t have in front of him; greeting him with a smile every morning and every night. He envied what that kid had with Yunho.
Then why did he act so cold in front of him? He was stupid and immature. It’s too difficult to start loving when all his live he was never being loved and love in return. He was so afraid that one day Moonbin would wake up and realized that he didn’t love him like Yunho loved him and leave him. After all, he wasn’t even part of his 15 years of life. It was the right thing to do to make him leave when he realized that Yunho would never be his again. If he let him stay longer, he might want to have him as his own again despite he was Yunho’s and was never his in the first place.
Ah, how screwed up his life had been. Guess it’s time to start over and be the old Jaejoong that had grown up and learned from the bitter facts of life. He should come down now before his mother got worried and come up again to call him. While he walked down the stairs, he heard some laughter from the living room. He frowned as he didn’t remember anyone who cared enough to come visit at dinner time. And Yoochun never laughed with his mother.
He couldn’t believe to see the person that his mother was hugging who called out to him when he saw him.
“Jaejoong-ahjussi! I’m glad that you look great! I’m sorry that I haven’t come to see you in the hospital.” Moonbin quickly ran and gave him a brief hug. “You lost weight.”
He was stunned. Moonbin never hugged him before. In fact, they never had any physical interaction before.
“Why…”
“I wanna see you. I… just left that night though I knew you were sick.” He smiled sheepishly. “I’m sorry… but I’ve heard from Halmeoni that you’re recuperating. I also think it wasn’t a good idea to see you at the hospital since you might need a total rest.”
“Oh…” he was too shocked to utter another word.
“But… someone else wants to see you too.”
“Someone else…”
Moonbin turned his gaze at the corner of the room and nodded, “Appa! Don’t just stand there like a statue. I thought you’re here to see Jaejoong-ahjussi, you can at least say something.”
Yunho smiled awkwardly while he just froze at his spot. Yunho? He came to see him?
It all seemed unreal until he stood right in front of him, tall and looked extraordinarily handsome and mature.
“Hey, sorry I couldn’t come earlier to see you. I hope you’re all better now.”
He was still speechless. Yunho… here… at his house…
And his mother once again came to the rescue to play his motherly role.
“Jaejoong, I think it’s time for you to have dinner. You should take your medicine on time. And Binnie, Yunho, would you mind to have dinner with us too?”
“Yeah! I missed your Pajeon, Halmeoni! Are you making any? Appa, Halmeoni makes the best pajeon! Even better than yours!” He strolled to the following Yun-Ah to the dining hall, leaving the two adults who were still looking at each other.
“If you don’t mind… I- I can stay for dinner.” Yunho whispered in front of him.
He swallowed the lump at the back of his throat, “I don’t mind…”
Just what kind of pranks that life was playing him again? Jaejoong wondered as he walked together in silence with Yunho and seated himself at the end of the table.
* * * * *
If he hadn’t found out about their past, Moonbin would’ve had laughed out loud at the tension around the dining table. His father and Jaejoong-ahjussi both took each end of the tables to eat, and it’s as an 8 seater. Which meant that there were 3 seats separating them on each side. He chose to sit in the middle of one side with Halmeoni in front of him.
Both men wouldn’t look at each other, his father looked nervous while he couldn’t read Jae-ahjussi’s expression at all. At first he seemed shocked to see him but it changed completely when he saw his father. From shocked - to fear - to relief - to sadness. And he wouldn’t lift his face at all so he it’s hard for him to guess what’s on his mind. He just hoped that he had made the right decision to make his father came along.
He cleared his throat before he tried to make a conversation, “Thank you for cooking the Pajeon, Halmeoni, though you had to do it right before dinner! But I missed it… Told ya’ that’s it’s great, isn’t it Appa?”
His father was staring at Jaejoong who still ate with his face down on his bowl, “Appa!”
“Eh, what? Yes, thank you for the nice dinner Ah- Ahjumma.” He’s still not used to call her Ahjumma, but Moonbin had insisted because ‘It doesn’t makes sense for you to call Halmeoni Kim-ssi if I call her Halmeoni!’
Moonbin rolled his eyes at his father’s reply while Yun-Ah tried to stifle his laughter.
“Jae-ahjussi, you should eat more, you just got out of the hospital after all. It’s not good to eat that little before you take your medicine. That’s what Appa’s doctor told him, right, Appa?”
Jae-ahjussi nodded, still didn’t look up but he replied softly, “I’m full already.”
He winked at Halmeoni to cue her, “Appa, please get Jae-ahjussi to eat just a little more. I don’t think I can eat anything anymore. Halmeoni, you said you have something to show me? May I leave the dishes at the sink?”
Before either man had any chance to say anything, he and Halmeoni had walked out of the dining room and headed to the living room.
Right after they got to the living room they both burst out laughing as they sat themselves on the sofa, side by side.
Halmeoni pinched his cheek, “Wicked!”
“Serves them right! Appa kept eavesdropping on our conversation everytime we’re online and he happened to hear me mentioned Jae-ahjussi’s name but he didn’t have the guts to ask me right out though he’s curious about Ahjussi’s condition! He felt a bit guilty, he thought that he got sick because of what he did the last time they met.”
“And I bet that you’re the one who implanted that guilt in him?”
He grinned mischievously. “I think I did the right thing.”
They didn’t say anything for awhile. “Halmeoni, I hope they clear up their misunderstanding soon. Even if they don’t get back together, I want them at least to be friends though I still have some hope that they could get back to the way they used to.” He sounded melancholic as he sighed.
Yun-Ah reached out for his hand, “Why do you want them to get back together? Don’t you hate Jaejoong for what he had done to you? By separating you from your father? Why do you want to give him another chance into your life again?”
He squeezed her hand in his. “I don’t hate him. Maybe I did, but not anymore. After I got to live here, I could only see a lonely man that he was. He was immature when he left Appa and I… he felt betrayed but he had paid the price for his unhappiness. He married someone he didn’t love, living a life according to other’s expectation and the plan that had been laid out before him. The only one he could trust was Yoochun-ahjussi, but it’s not love. He was haunted by the love that he lost to his own stupidity and immaturity.
“Appa never dated anyone else, he lived to raise me. At one point of time I even thought that he’s impotent and had lost his sexual desire with his arm but when I grew up and getting to know… things, I couldn’t miss the spark in his eyes when someone brought up his past love life. He couldn’t forget Jae-ahjussi. He was the man that he left his house for at the first place and he was left without having any chance to explain himself. He told me that he didn’t know what he felt right now, but I’m sure deep inside he still loved Jae-ahjussi.”
He turned his eyes to Yun-Ah, “Halmeoni, even when he’s hurt after Jae-ahjussi left him, even when he was depressed after losing his arm, even after almost 20 years; he had been living for me, for my happiness. I may be young and hadn’t seen a lot of this world, but I know love when I see it ‘cause I’ve been raised with the love of my father, my uncle Min, Jihye-noona and many more. For Appa, it’s always been about me. And this time, I want to return the love to him… to make him love and feel loved again as a man, he deserves that and so much more. And that’s something that I can’t give him, but perhaps Jae-ahjussi can.
“And I want Jae-ahjussi to feel the love too. You’ve done your part, but it’s not the same. If… if we could turn back time and lived differently, I might have known you a long time ago… and we could have been living as family. Call me selfish, but I want a family too. A complete set of parents, an uncle and an aunt… and a grandmother...”
Yun-Ah reached out to caress his cheek, “You’re a fine boy, Binnie… you’re a fine boy. You’re so full of love and you’re not afraid to share it with someone like me too. I’ll be proud to have a grandson like you… I know I am. You have a pure heart just like your father… I’m sure that your wish will come true.”
They’re both wishing in their hearts that a day will come when they can be together again as family.
* * * * *
The two men who were left at the dining table still didn’t say a word to each other, not ready to be left alone. But Yunho broke the silence first.
“Bin was right… you have to eat more. You’re losing weight.”
“I’m full.” That’s all he said.
“Oh…” another silence. “I’m sorry…”
And Jaejoong snapped, “What are you sorry for?”
Yunho was taken aback by the sudden harshness in his tone.
“Are you sorry for coming or you are you sorry because you think you’re the one that made me sick?”
“I…” He regained his composure fast. If Jaejoong wants to play a game, he’d play along. “I’m sorry for not coming sooner to see you though I knew that you’re in the hospital.”
It’s Jaejoong’s turn to be surprised. “You- you don’t have too. It’s not your fault, I didn’t take care of myself well. Thanks for coming.” He shoved his plates and stood up, wanting to run way from the awkwardness, “I need to take my medicine, it’s in my room.”
But the sleeve of his robes got caught in the chair’s hand rest, in his haste in trying to get it off, he lost his balance and was twisted to another direction, almost fell on his back if not for a pair of strong hands that caught his back.
“Easy Jae, hold on. Don’t move, let me…” He quickly freed his sleeve. Jaejoong held his breath in the close proximity of Yunho’s presence.
As soon as he’s free, he shook off Yunho’s hold on him, “Thanks.” He turned around and the ground was spinning below him before the same pair of hands held him again.
“I told you that you need to eat more.” He sighed, “Let me help you to your room.”
Jaejoong didn’t want him to get closer or stay longer, but he’d been laying on his bed the whole day and he had a blood rush when he stood up abruptly, they were also right that he didn’t eat as much as he was supposed to. The doctor also diagnosed him with anemia from the lack of eating and sleeping, but his appetite hadn’t returned normally. It seemed that it came to him in his shock to see Yunho at his home and the nervousness that he felt.
He wanted to refuse Yunho’s help but he didn’t know how to do that without hurting him again, he had done enough of that for the past 3 years.
His mother and Moonbin came up with a worried face, “What happened.”
“I’m fine… just a bit dizzy.”
“No, you’re not fine. You lost your balance in there and I told you that you didn’t eat enough. Ahjumma, would you mind to get the maid to make him some soup? I don’t think he should eat his medicine with only that spoonful of rice that he took for dinner. I’ll help him to his room.”
“That’s okay, I’ll make it myself. Give me half an hour.”
Both of them didn’t catch the look of victory on Yun-Ah and Moonbin’s eyes as they proceeded to the stairs to get to Jaejoong’s room.
“Appa, do you need help?” Moonbin called out.
“Nah, I’m fine, he’s not as heavy as you are, Bin.”
Moonbin snorted, “That’s not funny. I’ll help Halmeoni in the kitchen.”
Yunho kept walking with one hand supporting Jaejoong. When they got inside he put Jaejoong on the bed and pulled the duvet to cover him. “Better?”
Jaejoong nodded. “Need anything else?” Jaejoong shook his head and Yunho pulled a seat to sit next to Jaejoong’s side of the bed.
He looked around his room, “Nice room. I like that painting above the dresser… I didn’t know that you like Monet.”
“I didn’t pick it. Everything was designed by professional interior designers that my father paid.”
“Oh… I see. Still, those people had good taste.” He turned back to look at Jaejoong again. “To tell you the truth, I didn’t know what I was going to say when I met you though I said yes when Binnie asked me to see you here. He was worried; he called your mother everyday to check up on you.”
“He did?” He genuinely surprised.
“And…” he nervously took a deep breath, “He told me that I owed you an explanation. And that I should clear it up as soon as possible.”
He raised an eyebrow, “What explanation?”
“You know… the cheque.”
“The ch- oh! The cheque…” His heart beat furiously awaiting for something that he should’ve heard many years ago.
“I wasn’t going to lie to you, I was tempted to cash the cheque first. We didn’t have much money and I had to support you and baby Binnie. I was just 18 years old, I used to live like royalty and so were you, I was tired. I felt it wasn’t fair that we both had to live in misery just because we loved each other.
“But I thought of that for only 5 minutes. I knew it wasn’t right. And I planned to keep the cheque without cashing it, worked hard, save money, and when we’re independent enough I wanted to give it to you so you could go see your father and tear the cheque in front of him. To show him that we’ve been able to live without him, that we didn’t need his money to support us at all.”
Jaejoong’s breath hitched, full of guilt and anger of his own impatience that cost him the man that he loved with all his heart. “Why- why didn’t you tell me when I was angry and walked out of the door?”
Yunho smiled, “Because I trusted you. You were angry, if I told you what I had thought, you would say that I was making an excuse. Would you believe me if I tell you this at that time? You didn’t even trust me enough and just left. I tried to trust you, to believe that you would calm down and return when you could think clearly. But you never did.”
He wanted to cry, what an idiot he had been. “I- I don’t- I…” He wanted to say something but only tears came out.
“It’s in the past… we were both immature… I was wrong too by pushing you to take care of Moonbin when I should’ve known that you’re not used to have a sibling, or a baby… it was too big of a responsibility. I was tired but I could’ve taken a better care of you. We both made a mistake.”
Yunho took a tissue from the bedside table and wiped his tears, “Stop crying and stress yourself… there’s no need to blame yourself over the past. We were both stupid and too caught up in our own ideals of a perfect family that we forgot to consider each other’s feelings. Just… eat a lot and recover quickly. It’s not good to leave the office too long.”
His face came closer as he continued to clean up his face, “Don’t cry… I always hate to see you cry…”
They looked into each other’s eyes and Jaejoong could see Yunho’s gaze on his lips. He closed his eyes. He felt Yunho’s breath ghosted over the skin of his face. But a loud knock broke the spell as he shot his eyes opened, Yunho already on his feet.
“Soup’s ready! We’re coming in!” Moonbin yelled from behind the door.
Though they didn’t get to do anything after that, something changed inside the hearts of every one of them. And the change is going at a right direction… one step at a time.
* * * * *
Chapter 17