(no subject)
After telling myself all day yesterday that I was not going to call Erik because to do so would sacrifice what power I have left, I broke down last night and called.
As soon as I did I knew I had made a mistake. On the phone he sounded distracted and not at all concerned about anything having to do with us. In fact, he sounded like he hadn't even given it a thought. As soon as I heard that tone in his voice I knew I had to back-pedal, fast. He called back after he got off work, and I blathered a hasty "don't worry about it, I'll call you Monday" (to arrange to get my bass, which is still at his mom's) and hung up.
I don't understand how he could proport to care so much and then seem to not care at all.
At any rate, this is the only breakdown I'm allowing myself. I wish there were someway to block myself from calling his number on my phone. I also wish there was some way to make myself stop thinking about him, but I'm not that naive.
I keep telling myself I need to get out of my apartment, hang out with my friends, do some volunteer work. go to the gym. but all I feel like doing is sitting in my apartment and reading or watching tv. it feels like it would take too much effort to talk to anyone.
I can't decide if I should tell him about my thoughts about moving. on the one hand, I don't see why it would or should matter one way or the other; I doubt it'll change his mind about anything, and do I want it to? it would be such a see through knock-off of Tanya's attempt at a powerplay, except I can and would actually follow through with it. whatever I decide on the matter needs to be what I want to do, and have nothing to do with him.
Who knows how long it'll take Erik to work through this phase of his life. who knows if it really has anything to do with a phase, and how much is just me and our dynamic. sometimes no matter how good someone looks on paper your dynamic just isn't right, and the longer you stay with someone the more crazy your unhappiness makes you. maybe just having finally for real broken up with me is enough to make him feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off his shoulders. ultimately it doesn't matter; what does matter is that this time it's for real over, and there's no going back now. alll I have left to do is keep my eyes on the horizon and keep walking.
As soon as I did I knew I had made a mistake. On the phone he sounded distracted and not at all concerned about anything having to do with us. In fact, he sounded like he hadn't even given it a thought. As soon as I heard that tone in his voice I knew I had to back-pedal, fast. He called back after he got off work, and I blathered a hasty "don't worry about it, I'll call you Monday" (to arrange to get my bass, which is still at his mom's) and hung up.
I don't understand how he could proport to care so much and then seem to not care at all.
At any rate, this is the only breakdown I'm allowing myself. I wish there were someway to block myself from calling his number on my phone. I also wish there was some way to make myself stop thinking about him, but I'm not that naive.
I keep telling myself I need to get out of my apartment, hang out with my friends, do some volunteer work. go to the gym. but all I feel like doing is sitting in my apartment and reading or watching tv. it feels like it would take too much effort to talk to anyone.
I can't decide if I should tell him about my thoughts about moving. on the one hand, I don't see why it would or should matter one way or the other; I doubt it'll change his mind about anything, and do I want it to? it would be such a see through knock-off of Tanya's attempt at a powerplay, except I can and would actually follow through with it. whatever I decide on the matter needs to be what I want to do, and have nothing to do with him.
Who knows how long it'll take Erik to work through this phase of his life. who knows if it really has anything to do with a phase, and how much is just me and our dynamic. sometimes no matter how good someone looks on paper your dynamic just isn't right, and the longer you stay with someone the more crazy your unhappiness makes you. maybe just having finally for real broken up with me is enough to make him feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off his shoulders. ultimately it doesn't matter; what does matter is that this time it's for real over, and there's no going back now. alll I have left to do is keep my eyes on the horizon and keep walking.