(no subject)
Erik shows up at my apartment at 2:30am last night. Needless to say I'm sound asleep (or as soundly asleep as I can be when I'm anxious about something). It was the closest thing to a "Say Anything" experience I've ever had. It was so surreal; I'm asleep and all of a sudden my doorbell rings. Now I might point out there's nothing more frightening than your doorbell ringing at 2am when you're not expecting anyone to ring it. Especially when you're a girl all alone in her apartment. So I look out my window and I see in the top of a pickup truck outside that wasn't there when I came home. Then I opened my stairway door and heard the jingling of keys and knew it was him. So I opened the door (still totally dazed, mind you) and there he is. It was a very strange moment. So I'm all out of it and he's all like "I want to be with you, I don't care about any of the other stuff, you make me a better person and I want to be a better person," etc. Incidently, this "make me a better person" stipulation makes me somewhat uneasy, because on the one hand a) I love him just as he is, and b) I don't believe in "changing" people, that seems creepy to me... but all we're talking about here is making him be more attuned to current events and hopefully making him read more. And that's never bad for anyone, right? Maybe he needs to start keeping a journel too. Clearly I'm a big fan of journals. I think it makes one more self-aware, and self-awareness is a positive thing. It helps keeps thing sorted in one's head.
So I guess that's that. Apparently this means no more pressure about the future, no more freak outs about Andy, etc. No more late night panic attacks. I maintain I would have no problem with him having a relationship with Tanya if it were a platonic and appropriate one, but it seems like the likelihood of that is slim. It was her birthday yesterday; I wonder if he talked to her? I know he went somewhere cause when I talked to him he was just getting back from having been driving from somewhere, and I wonder if he saw her. I mean, it's moot right? He loves me and doesn't want to be with her. He says it hurts that they can't have a friendship, and I'm not sure what to do with that... I guess that's just something he'll have to come to terms with? It seems horribly selfish to me that she's pulling this card; if she really cared about Erik that much, as an individual, and not just a symbol of how close she came to getting married, she'd put those feelings aside, even if it's only for an hour once a week, so that they could have lunch and remain in each others' lives. I mean, Andy and I have both borne a lot of emotional pain and made a lot so that we can maintain a friendship. And I know if I told Erik's he'd just say that Andy's making those sacrifices because he loves me and hopes that by sacrificing today, he'll reap in the end by us getting back together. And maybe that's true, but I don't think it totally is.
So I guess that's that. Apparently this means no more pressure about the future, no more freak outs about Andy, etc. No more late night panic attacks. I maintain I would have no problem with him having a relationship with Tanya if it were a platonic and appropriate one, but it seems like the likelihood of that is slim. It was her birthday yesterday; I wonder if he talked to her? I know he went somewhere cause when I talked to him he was just getting back from having been driving from somewhere, and I wonder if he saw her. I mean, it's moot right? He loves me and doesn't want to be with her. He says it hurts that they can't have a friendship, and I'm not sure what to do with that... I guess that's just something he'll have to come to terms with? It seems horribly selfish to me that she's pulling this card; if she really cared about Erik that much, as an individual, and not just a symbol of how close she came to getting married, she'd put those feelings aside, even if it's only for an hour once a week, so that they could have lunch and remain in each others' lives. I mean, Andy and I have both borne a lot of emotional pain and made a lot so that we can maintain a friendship. And I know if I told Erik's he'd just say that Andy's making those sacrifices because he loves me and hopes that by sacrificing today, he'll reap in the end by us getting back together. And maybe that's true, but I don't think it totally is.