(no subject)
My horrible mistake with Erik continues to haunt me.
We are now officially taking time off for him to figure out what he wants, and if he thinks what he wants can jibe with our relationship. Tuesday night we got in another argument me and Andy, an argument I realize now is less about me and Andy and more about him deflecting his fears about him and Tanya onto me and Andy, cause I guess it's easier to deal with. I guess what it all boils down to is that up until I made my horrible mistake, he was all gung ho about us and ready to jump in with both feet and do whatever I wanted to do and move wherever I wanted to move.
In taking a moment out though, is that really such a good thing? On the one hand, given how I see several aquintances making such moves for their loved ones, I'm tempted to peg that as "true love" and lament that I cut the knees out of something so wonderful. But on the other hand, part of me is suspicious of something that could be jumped into so easily. Erik barely knew me when he started talking about moving with me; how could he make a fully informed decision on such an important thing? Is that love, or the first heady rush of lust? Am I cynical because I don't believe that such a decision can be correctly made until you really know someone? I remember that just a few weeks into dating Andy, he said a very similar thing. When we were in Pittsburgh for July 4th, he told me he loved mee and he'd follow me anywhere on the planet I wanted to go. I remember at the time being incredibly flattered, and despite that I was already in love with Andy, that pushed my love up a higher level. Of course a few months later he was sleeping with Katie, and then hooking up with Tova, my best friend. But despite all of Andy's mistakes and short-comings, I do believe he truly loved me, and still does. So why should I be suspect of Erik? I guess part of it is Andy knew me a lot better when he said that than Erik did when he said it, or even does now. I had known Andy for almost a good two years before we started dating; my and Erik's relationship started, pretty much, when we first met. I think a good part of the reason my and Andy's love is powerful is because of the deep foundation we already had before we started dating. That took the better part of a year, and maybe more, for us to build. So am I wrong in being suspect of Erik's feelings, or realistic?
I guess that's what I'm struggling to assess in figuring out how I feel about this mess. I guess I'm trying to figure out if this does all go south because Erik no longer has the capacity for true forgiveness how much I will have lost. On the surface it seems like a lot, but I can't get rid of the nagging feeling that it's not as much as it seems. Not that I don't think *eventually* we could have had a great relationship, but to my mind, these things take time. Can one roll into a relationship and 6 weeks later be completely positive that the person they're with is someone they could spend the rest of their life with? Or is that just something that happens to you once you reach 30? I see so much of Erik's freak out about all of this as a product of his insecurities about his future and his desire to be married and settled down. Which is some combination of a drive that exists within him, and the peer pressure of so many of his close friends getting or being married and settling down. Who knows how much of each there is, it's just some combination of the two.
How much of the moving in with his past girlfriends was true emotional commitment and how much was financial necessity? He's always dated girls who were either flat broke, or more than happy to latch onto him and allow him to support them as long as the relationship panned out. I mean who am I to doubt the validity of his past relationships, but there are a lot people out there to whom a free ride is a free ride, and free ride will always look a lot better than having to support themselves. He's obviously given a lot of genuine love, but how much has he ever gotten in return?
Needless to say this is all pure speculation on my part. There is no way for me to know for sure about any of this. He's just asked me to make so many decisions so early in the relationship, and that's been hard for me. I don't know if I'm particularly gun shy at this point in my life because of the Andy blow-up, or if I'm just naturally conservative when I comes to relationships. I was raised to think of marriage as something that came after an established career, to never make decisions soley for a man. Of course I broke that rule for Andy, but look how bad it burned me. Though I no longer feel the sting of the loss of my and Andy's relationship as strongly as I did before, I know it's changed me irrevocibly. Will I ever love that passionately and blindly again? Should I? Should love be blind and all consuming? Yeah there's a measure of fun in that, but I have serious doubts in retrospect if the all-comsuption was worth what I went through when it was over. Is there a more rational, adult love that's just as valid as the wild uncontrolable love of your youth? Is the "right one" a person who can break down the guards you build up through the series of heartbreaks that relationships generally are, or just someone with whom you have a passionate relationship even with the guards you've developed?
Questions questions questions. Meanwhile I wait and twiddle my thumbs while my "boyfriend" retreats to his mother's house to mull over our relationship. Should I still be spending emotional energy on someone so clearly on the fence about me and our relationship, or should I be flattered that he still wants to give us a shot despite the horribly awful transgression of trust I commited? (You should never end sentences with verbs by the way. Unless I guess they're simple sentences with no prepositions.) I vacilate between sadness at the possible impending loss and rejection I face and anger that he doesn't care enough or just no longer has the capacity to forgive. And if he doesn't, what does that say about his chances for future happiness? I mean I guess he may meet the perfect woman after we break up who will never make the mistake I made, but what are the chances of that? Especially if he keeps dating women under 25. I think because I come off as so serious and mature he forgots the enormous difference in life and relationship experience we have.
All of this seems terribly unfair somehow. I hope this torture he has me under will end soon, one way or the other.
We are now officially taking time off for him to figure out what he wants, and if he thinks what he wants can jibe with our relationship. Tuesday night we got in another argument me and Andy, an argument I realize now is less about me and Andy and more about him deflecting his fears about him and Tanya onto me and Andy, cause I guess it's easier to deal with. I guess what it all boils down to is that up until I made my horrible mistake, he was all gung ho about us and ready to jump in with both feet and do whatever I wanted to do and move wherever I wanted to move.
In taking a moment out though, is that really such a good thing? On the one hand, given how I see several aquintances making such moves for their loved ones, I'm tempted to peg that as "true love" and lament that I cut the knees out of something so wonderful. But on the other hand, part of me is suspicious of something that could be jumped into so easily. Erik barely knew me when he started talking about moving with me; how could he make a fully informed decision on such an important thing? Is that love, or the first heady rush of lust? Am I cynical because I don't believe that such a decision can be correctly made until you really know someone? I remember that just a few weeks into dating Andy, he said a very similar thing. When we were in Pittsburgh for July 4th, he told me he loved mee and he'd follow me anywhere on the planet I wanted to go. I remember at the time being incredibly flattered, and despite that I was already in love with Andy, that pushed my love up a higher level. Of course a few months later he was sleeping with Katie, and then hooking up with Tova, my best friend. But despite all of Andy's mistakes and short-comings, I do believe he truly loved me, and still does. So why should I be suspect of Erik? I guess part of it is Andy knew me a lot better when he said that than Erik did when he said it, or even does now. I had known Andy for almost a good two years before we started dating; my and Erik's relationship started, pretty much, when we first met. I think a good part of the reason my and Andy's love is powerful is because of the deep foundation we already had before we started dating. That took the better part of a year, and maybe more, for us to build. So am I wrong in being suspect of Erik's feelings, or realistic?
I guess that's what I'm struggling to assess in figuring out how I feel about this mess. I guess I'm trying to figure out if this does all go south because Erik no longer has the capacity for true forgiveness how much I will have lost. On the surface it seems like a lot, but I can't get rid of the nagging feeling that it's not as much as it seems. Not that I don't think *eventually* we could have had a great relationship, but to my mind, these things take time. Can one roll into a relationship and 6 weeks later be completely positive that the person they're with is someone they could spend the rest of their life with? Or is that just something that happens to you once you reach 30? I see so much of Erik's freak out about all of this as a product of his insecurities about his future and his desire to be married and settled down. Which is some combination of a drive that exists within him, and the peer pressure of so many of his close friends getting or being married and settling down. Who knows how much of each there is, it's just some combination of the two.
How much of the moving in with his past girlfriends was true emotional commitment and how much was financial necessity? He's always dated girls who were either flat broke, or more than happy to latch onto him and allow him to support them as long as the relationship panned out. I mean who am I to doubt the validity of his past relationships, but there are a lot people out there to whom a free ride is a free ride, and free ride will always look a lot better than having to support themselves. He's obviously given a lot of genuine love, but how much has he ever gotten in return?
Needless to say this is all pure speculation on my part. There is no way for me to know for sure about any of this. He's just asked me to make so many decisions so early in the relationship, and that's been hard for me. I don't know if I'm particularly gun shy at this point in my life because of the Andy blow-up, or if I'm just naturally conservative when I comes to relationships. I was raised to think of marriage as something that came after an established career, to never make decisions soley for a man. Of course I broke that rule for Andy, but look how bad it burned me. Though I no longer feel the sting of the loss of my and Andy's relationship as strongly as I did before, I know it's changed me irrevocibly. Will I ever love that passionately and blindly again? Should I? Should love be blind and all consuming? Yeah there's a measure of fun in that, but I have serious doubts in retrospect if the all-comsuption was worth what I went through when it was over. Is there a more rational, adult love that's just as valid as the wild uncontrolable love of your youth? Is the "right one" a person who can break down the guards you build up through the series of heartbreaks that relationships generally are, or just someone with whom you have a passionate relationship even with the guards you've developed?
Questions questions questions. Meanwhile I wait and twiddle my thumbs while my "boyfriend" retreats to his mother's house to mull over our relationship. Should I still be spending emotional energy on someone so clearly on the fence about me and our relationship, or should I be flattered that he still wants to give us a shot despite the horribly awful transgression of trust I commited? (You should never end sentences with verbs by the way. Unless I guess they're simple sentences with no prepositions.) I vacilate between sadness at the possible impending loss and rejection I face and anger that he doesn't care enough or just no longer has the capacity to forgive. And if he doesn't, what does that say about his chances for future happiness? I mean I guess he may meet the perfect woman after we break up who will never make the mistake I made, but what are the chances of that? Especially if he keeps dating women under 25. I think because I come off as so serious and mature he forgots the enormous difference in life and relationship experience we have.
All of this seems terribly unfair somehow. I hope this torture he has me under will end soon, one way or the other.