About to give up on everything
I want to trip inside your head
Spend the day there...
To hear the things you haven't said
And see what you might see
I want to hear you when you call
Do you feel anything at all?
I want to see your thoughts take shape
And walk right out
Freedom has a scent
Like the top of a new born baby's head
The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough I'm not giving up
On a miracle drug
Of science and the human heart
There is no limit
There is no failure here sweetheart
Just when you quit...
-U2 - Miracle Drug
Ok here's the story from the beginning.....
(A story of one misshap after another.)
I applied for two colleges, Capital and Ohio State. Ohio state claimed they didn't know anything about their agreement with the Northland Teaching Academy which would've given me 5 years of college for 5 years of service in Columbus Public Schools. I didn't even really get in anyway. They said in a very polite (I guess) letter that I wasn't ready for main campus and that they wanted me to go to Newark. Capital said come on in we want you! I was like woah a private lutheran college picked me over a state college? Weird..
Only later on did I find that Capital will accept anyone with a checkbook and a pulse.
I started out Capital as a computer science major. I didn't really start my major till my Sophomore year. They said I wasn't ready for the math requirements for it so they put me into some refresher courses. Then I had to take Trig in 26 days over the summer through the summer science institute. I barely passed with a D and was extreemly burnt out.
So I started my computer science classes in the fall. Things went ok for a while but then things got to the point where I knew it just wasn't my thing. I didn't like intro to computer science and I was failing calc. My advisors never told me to drop the class, instead I took my F and walked. Nice of them huh? So my GPA took a huge plummet.
That day I changed my major to English Lit. I thought hey finally I found my place. It does feel like my place. The only problem is the people I've trusted most to guide me in the right direction have failed to do so. Instead they lead me down a path to a burnout. When my advisor went on sabatacle, the chair of the department set up my schedule to where I was taking Senior Seminar and The English Language at the same time. So 15 page paper on top of a high demand, high workload grammar course. I barely made it through that semester.
This semester I've been faced with another lovely development. I'm one credit hour short of graduating and nobody wants to help me. I've tried talking to my advisors in both my minor and my major. Dr. Summers says just graduate late and Dr. Maroukis is just like I'll think about it. I think Dr. Summers is just tired of me and has given up.
Now all of this has sent me into a huge state of depression. I don't want to do work anymore and I don't care if I graduate. Mom blames it on the computer as she always does. It's not the computer. It's the fact that I'm just like why the fuck am I doing this? Why is it every time I get ahead I get smacked in the face by another wall? I procrastinate because I don't want to do the work. I procrastinate because I'm tired of everything school related. I hate the fact that I haven't been able to do anything I truly want to do in a very long time. I miss my hobbies. I miss being happy..I miss being me.
I can't help but ask my mother how she would feel if this happend to her..but she'll never understand. She always thinks it's something I'm doing wrong..I guess I've done a lot of things wrong.
I don't deserve anything good in my life now. Brandon is the best thing in my life right now but let's face it he doesn't deserve a loser like me. He deserves somone who can chase their dreams with the best of them. Not somone who has just settled for less because of everything she's been told. I have no drive left, no motivation. I'm a failure.
Spend the day there...
To hear the things you haven't said
And see what you might see
I want to hear you when you call
Do you feel anything at all?
I want to see your thoughts take shape
And walk right out
Freedom has a scent
Like the top of a new born baby's head
The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough I'm not giving up
On a miracle drug
Of science and the human heart
There is no limit
There is no failure here sweetheart
Just when you quit...
-U2 - Miracle Drug
Ok here's the story from the beginning.....
(A story of one misshap after another.)
I applied for two colleges, Capital and Ohio State. Ohio state claimed they didn't know anything about their agreement with the Northland Teaching Academy which would've given me 5 years of college for 5 years of service in Columbus Public Schools. I didn't even really get in anyway. They said in a very polite (I guess) letter that I wasn't ready for main campus and that they wanted me to go to Newark. Capital said come on in we want you! I was like woah a private lutheran college picked me over a state college? Weird..
Only later on did I find that Capital will accept anyone with a checkbook and a pulse.
I started out Capital as a computer science major. I didn't really start my major till my Sophomore year. They said I wasn't ready for the math requirements for it so they put me into some refresher courses. Then I had to take Trig in 26 days over the summer through the summer science institute. I barely passed with a D and was extreemly burnt out.
So I started my computer science classes in the fall. Things went ok for a while but then things got to the point where I knew it just wasn't my thing. I didn't like intro to computer science and I was failing calc. My advisors never told me to drop the class, instead I took my F and walked. Nice of them huh? So my GPA took a huge plummet.
That day I changed my major to English Lit. I thought hey finally I found my place. It does feel like my place. The only problem is the people I've trusted most to guide me in the right direction have failed to do so. Instead they lead me down a path to a burnout. When my advisor went on sabatacle, the chair of the department set up my schedule to where I was taking Senior Seminar and The English Language at the same time. So 15 page paper on top of a high demand, high workload grammar course. I barely made it through that semester.
This semester I've been faced with another lovely development. I'm one credit hour short of graduating and nobody wants to help me. I've tried talking to my advisors in both my minor and my major. Dr. Summers says just graduate late and Dr. Maroukis is just like I'll think about it. I think Dr. Summers is just tired of me and has given up.
Now all of this has sent me into a huge state of depression. I don't want to do work anymore and I don't care if I graduate. Mom blames it on the computer as she always does. It's not the computer. It's the fact that I'm just like why the fuck am I doing this? Why is it every time I get ahead I get smacked in the face by another wall? I procrastinate because I don't want to do the work. I procrastinate because I'm tired of everything school related. I hate the fact that I haven't been able to do anything I truly want to do in a very long time. I miss my hobbies. I miss being happy..I miss being me.
I can't help but ask my mother how she would feel if this happend to her..but she'll never understand. She always thinks it's something I'm doing wrong..I guess I've done a lot of things wrong.
I don't deserve anything good in my life now. Brandon is the best thing in my life right now but let's face it he doesn't deserve a loser like me. He deserves somone who can chase their dreams with the best of them. Not somone who has just settled for less because of everything she's been told. I have no drive left, no motivation. I'm a failure.