(no subject)
I have a lot to complain about today. First on my list of complains: People who are way too desperate for attention, people such as my roommate who openly advertizes her eating disorders and other problems so that people will feel bad for her and show her sympathy. If anyone is ever looking for sympathy, I am the absolute LAST person to come to, unless you already know I care about you and will show you everlasting support (the amount of people under this category are few and far between, I don't tolerate bullshit.) I am definitely not in a position to understand where Kelly, or anyone else with those sorts of problems, are coming from but I am knowledgable enough to note a call for attention when I see one. 'I'm so fat. - I only ate a cheerio and three and a half sips of water today!' Ummm, shut the fuck up. Please.
Next would be Bloomington weather. Yesterday it was sunny and 60 degrees. Today, there is now an inch and a half of snow on the ground. WHAT?
Next order of business would be myself. I wish I didn't care so much about certain things. Mainly, things that don't even have to do with me. Things that don't affect me, aren't my business, but still get my angry, worried and upset. I wish I could learn to just let go of that nagging feeling of being annoyed by these things. I wish I could learn to be more relaxed, less uptight and demanding. I've struggled with this for so long but I still don't know how to change. I don't think I can ever just stop caring, though, especially since this involves someone I care deeply for. Mostly of my worry stems from the fact that I would hate to see this person get hurt or disrespected or upset, though none of what he's going through seems to bother him. Only me. Which bothers me even more. I'm not trying to seem like an activist for human rights or any of that bullshit, but I feel like there's a point at which you need to realize the importance of respecting yourself. I've realized a lot about myself in these past two weeks, a lot about what my values are and what I would or wouldn't do to sacrifice those values as well as my pride. I care too much about things that I shouldn't. I'm selfish because I care, though. I don't mean to act the way that I do, it's just because this is hard for me too... though, it shouldn't be. I can't help but feel as if I'm not good enough or mature enough for him. I'm not in the mental state that I'd want to be in order to be in this deep. After this long I just feel like that's unnacceptable. It's not that it doesn't feel right anymore, I'm just beginning to feel badly that I act the way that I do and I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth putting him through anymore. I'm probably absolutely blowing this out of proportion but I keep feeling like I'm not making any progress, not changing into the person I want to be. If anything, I'm acting like a completely insecure 12 year old. If only any of you actually knew what I was talking about and how truly ridiculous I am.
I need an internal (and external, I hate my short hair) makeover. There are so many things I want to change about myself but I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I'm beginning to slip into this dark, deep, long hole but at the same time I feel like I can see the light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. I'm making so many new friends, but this commitment I've made is taking up so much of my time that I feel like I'm slipping away from what's most important which is succeeding in school. My parents have such high standards for me now that I did so well last semester and I keep worrying that I won't be able to satisfy their standards.
I'm supposed to be going to UMich with Margaret next weekend. Maybe the weekend away will do me good. I think I need to get away from this place for a little while. I know I've been back only two and a half weeks but things are already taking a toll on me and I don't know how to shake this feeling.