"I've done enough cryin', cryin'; it's time to say bye bye. It's time I do something for me..."
Song lyrics by Mary J. Blige
I'm still here, plugging along, trying to hold onto my newfound optimism. Most days are good and I feel like I can turn over this new leaf, but on days when I feel like I'm being surrounded by love and marriage and all that gooey crap, I feel like raging. Like just smashing something and not giving a fuck. Since I'm in a sensitive place, I feel like I'm hyper aware of some things. Like today, I was watching a mini marathon of "Hart of Dixie" on my DVR, and one of the female characters says to a male love interest "I love you and I'll wait for you for as long as it takes" and I immediately protested. How come a man never says he'll wait for a woman, but women are willing to sacrifice for a man? When does a man become vulnerable and open to a woman? I'm not saying that I want the man to be a cry baby, but I want him to be able to show emotions and not be scared to talk about his feelings. Also, the matchmaker Siggy Flicker says that the man should love the woman just a little bit more than she loves him. I wonder if that's possible in my life. My previous track record isn't looking too good, since I'm usually the one who falls first, loves hard, and struggles to let go. I don't think a man like that exists, and I'm sure if I met him, I'd probably think he was a wimp. Damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. What can you say; I'm a woman and I want it all.
Sad to say nothing much else is really going on with me. So much for the swinging singles' life. Summer's coming, so I'm glad for the good weather, but I haven't done a damn thing workout-wise since leaving my last job. I'm worried that I'll get fat again, and being the thinnest that I've been in years is one of the few good things I have going for me. I need motivation, and a rich partner because this working shit is for the birds. I hate not making enough to be able to do anything that I really wanna do and being stressed about bills and my lack of money. Let somebody else deal with that. Being a "grown up" sucks ass and all I wanna do is have fun, be free, and spend someone else's money.
I read about some website that sets up "sugar babies" and "sugar daddies" for financial benefits. If you ask me, it sounds like letting a bunch of pervy old men fondle you in exchange for dinner and a diamond tennis bracelet. As tempting as that sounds, I couldn't do it. I personally think that large age gaps between couples is odd, depending on how big the gap, and it makes me wonder what they have to talk about. And the thought of letting some middle-aged man feel me up makes my skin crawl, and I'm nearly middle aged myself. I shouldn't be discriminating against the group of people who will soon be my only options for potential mates. I'm sorry 40 year old men, but I'm too scared to let you near me. I'm fearful of your salt and pepper hair, the smile lines around your eyes, and your expanding waistline. It feels like getting hit on by someone's father, which he quite possibly is, and it makes me cringe a little. Maybe once I turn 30, I'll be more open and willing. Or maybe I'll be 30 and so desperate for love and companionship that I'll be ready to date anyone regardless of their age. I'm sure that as I type this, my soulmate is probably celebrating his 40th birthday right now. Ugh.
Okay, I'm out. There's nothing more to say and it's late. Tomorrow is another day.
I'm still here, plugging along, trying to hold onto my newfound optimism. Most days are good and I feel like I can turn over this new leaf, but on days when I feel like I'm being surrounded by love and marriage and all that gooey crap, I feel like raging. Like just smashing something and not giving a fuck. Since I'm in a sensitive place, I feel like I'm hyper aware of some things. Like today, I was watching a mini marathon of "Hart of Dixie" on my DVR, and one of the female characters says to a male love interest "I love you and I'll wait for you for as long as it takes" and I immediately protested. How come a man never says he'll wait for a woman, but women are willing to sacrifice for a man? When does a man become vulnerable and open to a woman? I'm not saying that I want the man to be a cry baby, but I want him to be able to show emotions and not be scared to talk about his feelings. Also, the matchmaker Siggy Flicker says that the man should love the woman just a little bit more than she loves him. I wonder if that's possible in my life. My previous track record isn't looking too good, since I'm usually the one who falls first, loves hard, and struggles to let go. I don't think a man like that exists, and I'm sure if I met him, I'd probably think he was a wimp. Damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. What can you say; I'm a woman and I want it all.
Sad to say nothing much else is really going on with me. So much for the swinging singles' life. Summer's coming, so I'm glad for the good weather, but I haven't done a damn thing workout-wise since leaving my last job. I'm worried that I'll get fat again, and being the thinnest that I've been in years is one of the few good things I have going for me. I need motivation, and a rich partner because this working shit is for the birds. I hate not making enough to be able to do anything that I really wanna do and being stressed about bills and my lack of money. Let somebody else deal with that. Being a "grown up" sucks ass and all I wanna do is have fun, be free, and spend someone else's money.
I read about some website that sets up "sugar babies" and "sugar daddies" for financial benefits. If you ask me, it sounds like letting a bunch of pervy old men fondle you in exchange for dinner and a diamond tennis bracelet. As tempting as that sounds, I couldn't do it. I personally think that large age gaps between couples is odd, depending on how big the gap, and it makes me wonder what they have to talk about. And the thought of letting some middle-aged man feel me up makes my skin crawl, and I'm nearly middle aged myself. I shouldn't be discriminating against the group of people who will soon be my only options for potential mates. I'm sorry 40 year old men, but I'm too scared to let you near me. I'm fearful of your salt and pepper hair, the smile lines around your eyes, and your expanding waistline. It feels like getting hit on by someone's father, which he quite possibly is, and it makes me cringe a little. Maybe once I turn 30, I'll be more open and willing. Or maybe I'll be 30 and so desperate for love and companionship that I'll be ready to date anyone regardless of their age. I'm sure that as I type this, my soulmate is probably celebrating his 40th birthday right now. Ugh.
Okay, I'm out. There's nothing more to say and it's late. Tomorrow is another day.