I'm supposed to be cooking in 6 hours...
Here I am.
It's late on a Sunday, or early on a Monday... either way not a time in the week that anyone has any good stories about. I'm laying in bed attempting to put myself to sleep with a late night rant. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm not in love...with anyone. I'm not used to this; I'm a romantic. I feel a little empty at times as a result, but it's something I need to deal with. I haven't been nearly as motivated or productive as I should be, and I hate to admit the thing I've known for years: I only really work hard if there is an incredible woman at the other end of it somewhere. Okay so that's not 100% true, but my motivation certainly does drop when I'm not falling for anyone. That's one of the things I'm working on I guess. One of my personal projects. The premeditated self-destruction of Trevor is not too far in the future, and I'm doing my best to prevent me from having to face it.
The other day Gram was watching an HBO special on a 15 year old boy that committed suicide. I was really bothered by it for a number of reasons. For one, his parents were film makers...film makers who probably made money off of their documentary. That made me a little nauseous. It was also a strange thing to look back on. Suicide has been a strange subject in my life. When I was labeled "Gifted" (bullshit term for "sharp kid") my mom read every book that had ever come out on gifted children. These "experts" told my mother I was more likely to commit suicide. I was the support system from my mom since she had just divorced my father, so I was the one she went to express her concern about this. I guess it was also an attempt to face the situation head on. Anyway, I was on my mother's vigilant suicide watch for the next many years. She cried about it a lot. Thankfully power of suggestion never took over. Another strange occurrence was when my mentor's wife killed herself. It's just one of those things where you never expect someone to do it, and you never really know how to actually accept it. Anyway, I don't feel like going on about it.
I've been making slow changes, like I planned. Boston is weeks away and I can't wait to be settled, but that may take a while. I want to be settled for a brief amount of time. Six to ten months would be great. I haven't had that in a long time, and I've never had it coupled with independence. It should be a good year. My school just got a study abroad program so maybe I'll try that sometime too. I certainly don't like being in one place for too long.
Well to save myself from side tracking and ending up sounding insane or ridiculously boring and confused, I'll end on this sentiment:
"I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you can see all kinds of things you can't see from the center." -Kurt Vonnegut
It's late on a Sunday, or early on a Monday... either way not a time in the week that anyone has any good stories about. I'm laying in bed attempting to put myself to sleep with a late night rant. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm not in love...with anyone. I'm not used to this; I'm a romantic. I feel a little empty at times as a result, but it's something I need to deal with. I haven't been nearly as motivated or productive as I should be, and I hate to admit the thing I've known for years: I only really work hard if there is an incredible woman at the other end of it somewhere. Okay so that's not 100% true, but my motivation certainly does drop when I'm not falling for anyone. That's one of the things I'm working on I guess. One of my personal projects. The premeditated self-destruction of Trevor is not too far in the future, and I'm doing my best to prevent me from having to face it.
The other day Gram was watching an HBO special on a 15 year old boy that committed suicide. I was really bothered by it for a number of reasons. For one, his parents were film makers...film makers who probably made money off of their documentary. That made me a little nauseous. It was also a strange thing to look back on. Suicide has been a strange subject in my life. When I was labeled "Gifted" (bullshit term for "sharp kid") my mom read every book that had ever come out on gifted children. These "experts" told my mother I was more likely to commit suicide. I was the support system from my mom since she had just divorced my father, so I was the one she went to express her concern about this. I guess it was also an attempt to face the situation head on. Anyway, I was on my mother's vigilant suicide watch for the next many years. She cried about it a lot. Thankfully power of suggestion never took over. Another strange occurrence was when my mentor's wife killed herself. It's just one of those things where you never expect someone to do it, and you never really know how to actually accept it. Anyway, I don't feel like going on about it.
I've been making slow changes, like I planned. Boston is weeks away and I can't wait to be settled, but that may take a while. I want to be settled for a brief amount of time. Six to ten months would be great. I haven't had that in a long time, and I've never had it coupled with independence. It should be a good year. My school just got a study abroad program so maybe I'll try that sometime too. I certainly don't like being in one place for too long.
Well to save myself from side tracking and ending up sounding insane or ridiculously boring and confused, I'll end on this sentiment:
"I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you can see all kinds of things you can't see from the center." -Kurt Vonnegut