The obligitory break up post...
I insist on torturing myself. When I'm in an unhealthy relationship I run it into the ground as far as it will go. It hurts, but I usually take something away from it; some life lesson or what-have-you. I finally get into a great relationship, with an incredible girl, and something in my head wouldn't totally accept that. I'm twenty years old, and while people I know are already getting hitched or planning their entire lives out with the person they've been with for years, I'm just not ready for that yet. Some people are together because they truly love each other more than they could love anyone else in the world... I'm just not sure I know any of those people. Others are with the person they love, and they are content with that/afraid of the unknown and the loneliness. Even when couples have tremendous flaws together they "work it out" and keep moving the same direction. A week later the same fight will occur, and it will happen the week after that, and the week after that. You see, this time it wasn't MY relationship that made me bitter, it was everyone else's and how afraid everyone is to change something bad at the risk of loneliness.
I fear loneliness.
That's probably why I've been in so many relationships at this age. It's probably why I get involved in group things. It's probably why I'm always online or at least have AIM on my phone, or have my phone on me at all times, or am never too far away from anyone. It probably explains why the longest amount of time I've actually been single is only a couple of months. So after watching everyone else fear and wait, and refuse to take action, I decided to for myself.
Here's the problem with the relationship I was in: Me.
I used to be an incredibly hopelessly romantic sap. Many experiences and failures have made me bitter. So I have these two opposite sides pulling in both directions, the result is I'm a pretty okay boyfriend. They balance each other out quite nicely in the end. However, the internal struggle of these two sides make me confused, and anxious, and angry, etc. That was the only thing I really had a hard time with. Alison Crounse is probably the sweetest girl I will ever meet. She would have done absolutely anything for me, anything to make me better. Which would have been awful for her.
Right now I'm a bit of a head case who needs to figure out how to function on his own in real life. I have to depend on myself for a while which is going to be very difficult for me. I need to drop my issues before I drag anyone into an unhealthy relationship. I know a thing or two about them and I'd prefer to not be the cause. I may have been in other relationship as well, but I was with equally "dynamic" people. Ali reminded me how I used to look at love. I want to try and find that perspective again, but I can only do that through self-awareness.
Regardless of all my reasoning, I feel awful.
I've already been stomach sick all day. I lost someone incredible, my greatest support, yesterday. I did that. I made that choice. And now she is where I was after my first heartbreak. I hope she never has to feel it again, and I pray she never has to feel betrayal along side it. I think this may be my greatest regret, making her feel this way. I will always be sorry for this...
I have no idea what's in store for me now, but I am far less excited than I was a week ago for the next year.
So begins my detox.
I fear loneliness.
That's probably why I've been in so many relationships at this age. It's probably why I get involved in group things. It's probably why I'm always online or at least have AIM on my phone, or have my phone on me at all times, or am never too far away from anyone. It probably explains why the longest amount of time I've actually been single is only a couple of months. So after watching everyone else fear and wait, and refuse to take action, I decided to for myself.
Here's the problem with the relationship I was in: Me.
I used to be an incredibly hopelessly romantic sap. Many experiences and failures have made me bitter. So I have these two opposite sides pulling in both directions, the result is I'm a pretty okay boyfriend. They balance each other out quite nicely in the end. However, the internal struggle of these two sides make me confused, and anxious, and angry, etc. That was the only thing I really had a hard time with. Alison Crounse is probably the sweetest girl I will ever meet. She would have done absolutely anything for me, anything to make me better. Which would have been awful for her.
Right now I'm a bit of a head case who needs to figure out how to function on his own in real life. I have to depend on myself for a while which is going to be very difficult for me. I need to drop my issues before I drag anyone into an unhealthy relationship. I know a thing or two about them and I'd prefer to not be the cause. I may have been in other relationship as well, but I was with equally "dynamic" people. Ali reminded me how I used to look at love. I want to try and find that perspective again, but I can only do that through self-awareness.
Regardless of all my reasoning, I feel awful.
I've already been stomach sick all day. I lost someone incredible, my greatest support, yesterday. I did that. I made that choice. And now she is where I was after my first heartbreak. I hope she never has to feel it again, and I pray she never has to feel betrayal along side it. I think this may be my greatest regret, making her feel this way. I will always be sorry for this...
I have no idea what's in store for me now, but I am far less excited than I was a week ago for the next year.
So begins my detox.