The Sixth One
I have been accused of writing too much about penises. I do not deny these accusations, and today I embrace the penis. Well... I don't... EMBRACE the penis. I'm just going to talk about it, that's all. I swear I'm not gay. But it'd be ok if I was gay, right? I love boobs.
Anyways, my point is that I will be discussing the penis today. More specifically, I will be discussing penis etiquette in the hopes that people will start to use their male genitalia for what it was intended. In time, this may reduce my need to write about penises and their mis-use.
Before I really get going, I'd like to say to all the males out there, "What the fuck?" Seriously. The dick is for placing inside a vagina and creating friction until you spurt forth a big load of semen. Also, masturbation, which is the act of imagining placing the dick inside a vagina and creating friction until you spurt forth a big load of semen. I have witnessed so many acts of cock mis-use in my life that at times I am confused about what it is really for. Because of this, I am not guiltless when it comes to the mis-use of the ol' baby-maker. Now, I have seen the light...
1) Urinals are for urination, and that alone. The only exception being if it's one of those urinals that sticks far enough out from the wall to allow a person to comfortably take a squat and leave behind a big piece of themselves. I've always wanted to do that. In general, however, you should approach the urinal, unzip the pants, pull out your bratwurst, and calmly urinate into the urinal. When finished, shake no more than three times, flush, and return everything to where it was before the piss expulsion. Violations of the urinal procedure are plentiful. I've seen a guy forget to take his meat out before beginning to pee. C'MON! you made it that far! Get the pee in the toilet. A man once approached the urinal normally, unzipped normally, and removed his little bob normally. Normal ceased to be after that. He proceeded to shake the bejeezus out of his wanger like it was a baby and he was a british nanny. He was smacking it on the side of the urinal and lord knows what else. He wasn't sporting wood, just flinging around the sausage. This is not good, and may cause other men who just want to take a normal leak to hold it. Who wants to pee next to that!? This type of behavior has undoubtedly caused some damage to normal men's bladders, and it has to stop. Use the urinal with respect: respect for it, your dick, and others.
2) The penis is a private thing. As funny as it is in jokes, your penis is not attractive. Do not share it with others unless you are placing it inside their vagina or mouth in order to create friction until you spurt forth a big load of semen. Don't settle for handjobs. You're better than that. Now, this is a rule that is very tempting to break at times, and I admit that there are hilarious exceptions. I'm just asking that everyone use better judgment as to when these exceptions occur. For example, two straight men taking a shower together in order to jerk off is NOT a good exception! (<-not a made up example) Taking a picture of your joystick with your friend's mother's camera would be acceptable.
3) For those of you who don't know already, the below picture is a flagrant display of penis mis-use. I don't even know what to say... Please keep your longfellow out of animals, plastic or otherwise.
There are many many more specific examples of penis etiquette, but I've got other stuff to do. If at least these three quota would be followed, I believe the world would be a better place. As mentioned earlier, use good judgment. I just don't want to see or hear about any more of this shit... Well, maybe some. Dicks are hilarious.
Anyways, my point is that I will be discussing the penis today. More specifically, I will be discussing penis etiquette in the hopes that people will start to use their male genitalia for what it was intended. In time, this may reduce my need to write about penises and their mis-use.
Before I really get going, I'd like to say to all the males out there, "What the fuck?" Seriously. The dick is for placing inside a vagina and creating friction until you spurt forth a big load of semen. Also, masturbation, which is the act of imagining placing the dick inside a vagina and creating friction until you spurt forth a big load of semen. I have witnessed so many acts of cock mis-use in my life that at times I am confused about what it is really for. Because of this, I am not guiltless when it comes to the mis-use of the ol' baby-maker. Now, I have seen the light...
1) Urinals are for urination, and that alone. The only exception being if it's one of those urinals that sticks far enough out from the wall to allow a person to comfortably take a squat and leave behind a big piece of themselves. I've always wanted to do that. In general, however, you should approach the urinal, unzip the pants, pull out your bratwurst, and calmly urinate into the urinal. When finished, shake no more than three times, flush, and return everything to where it was before the piss expulsion. Violations of the urinal procedure are plentiful. I've seen a guy forget to take his meat out before beginning to pee. C'MON! you made it that far! Get the pee in the toilet. A man once approached the urinal normally, unzipped normally, and removed his little bob normally. Normal ceased to be after that. He proceeded to shake the bejeezus out of his wanger like it was a baby and he was a british nanny. He was smacking it on the side of the urinal and lord knows what else. He wasn't sporting wood, just flinging around the sausage. This is not good, and may cause other men who just want to take a normal leak to hold it. Who wants to pee next to that!? This type of behavior has undoubtedly caused some damage to normal men's bladders, and it has to stop. Use the urinal with respect: respect for it, your dick, and others.
2) The penis is a private thing. As funny as it is in jokes, your penis is not attractive. Do not share it with others unless you are placing it inside their vagina or mouth in order to create friction until you spurt forth a big load of semen. Don't settle for handjobs. You're better than that. Now, this is a rule that is very tempting to break at times, and I admit that there are hilarious exceptions. I'm just asking that everyone use better judgment as to when these exceptions occur. For example, two straight men taking a shower together in order to jerk off is NOT a good exception! (<-not a made up example) Taking a picture of your joystick with your friend's mother's camera would be acceptable.
3) For those of you who don't know already, the below picture is a flagrant display of penis mis-use. I don't even know what to say... Please keep your longfellow out of animals, plastic or otherwise.
There are many many more specific examples of penis etiquette, but I've got other stuff to do. If at least these three quota would be followed, I believe the world would be a better place. As mentioned earlier, use good judgment. I just don't want to see or hear about any more of this shit... Well, maybe some. Dicks are hilarious.