So I've been thinking...
I've somehow started this quest to undertand how someone can sexually abuse someone in any sense of the word. To put this more simply how when I said "stop that hurts" could he think it was ok to keep going?
I'd like to tell you it's 3 years ago, I'm over it, it doesn't affect me, it doesn't matter. But it does. I spent so long (even now) telling myself it's not like he raped me so it doesn't matter, it's not real, I'm overreacting, I'm just a stupid whiny girl...
Then I have flashbacks. I start thinking about that one night how I told him he was hurting me and he said I was just making excuses and didn't want him to do it. Somehow he rationalized it that way! What the hell? Like if I'm making excuses then it's ok to hurt me?
There are still times it affects me, in ways i can't really explain, in ways I'd like to just deny because they embarrass me and I'm ashamed that I can't just get over it. I've never talked about it in therapy. There are some people I've talked about it with, but some of them have actually been raped and it makes my problems seem so miniscule...
Which leads me to the question I always come back to:
Why are we teaching our women how to protect themselves from rape and not our men not to rape? Why do we teach women and not men that no means no?
Disclaimer: I do realize that it is not always men who abuse women, but for this rant please bear with me.
I'd like to tell you it's 3 years ago, I'm over it, it doesn't affect me, it doesn't matter. But it does. I spent so long (even now) telling myself it's not like he raped me so it doesn't matter, it's not real, I'm overreacting, I'm just a stupid whiny girl...
Then I have flashbacks. I start thinking about that one night how I told him he was hurting me and he said I was just making excuses and didn't want him to do it. Somehow he rationalized it that way! What the hell? Like if I'm making excuses then it's ok to hurt me?
There are still times it affects me, in ways i can't really explain, in ways I'd like to just deny because they embarrass me and I'm ashamed that I can't just get over it. I've never talked about it in therapy. There are some people I've talked about it with, but some of them have actually been raped and it makes my problems seem so miniscule...
Which leads me to the question I always come back to:
Why are we teaching our women how to protect themselves from rape and not our men not to rape? Why do we teach women and not men that no means no?
Disclaimer: I do realize that it is not always men who abuse women, but for this rant please bear with me.