(no subject)
The strangest thing happened last night. I was talking about my dad and trying to figure out what the hell to do and he said that his girlfriend Julie wanted to talk to me. I've never talked to her before and my dad hasn't mentioned anything about her besides her name. Everything that I have known about her I have had to piece together by filling in the blanks. She said that she has been waiting to talk to me for a long time and everything that she had to say she said and at the end I felt eons better. I feel like I can trust my dad a lot more now. But then again I am putting a lot of trust into a stranger. Her voice was so friendly and she knew so much about me that I was shocked. She told me I was a great person and that I deserved better than this. So now I think I've finally found the help that I have been needing for a long time. Let's face it I'm never going to be able to move out on my own. I've gotten farther lately to breaking away than I have in a really long time. I just really need to figure out who to stop feeling so guilty. I know my mom is going to be furious and well she already is. But she really needs help and she has to recognize this and get it herself. And Adam well...I think he'll be much better off with his dad. Yes, he is going to need lots of therapy after this but he should be okay in the end. And of course I love him but he isn't my kid so really I can't control or should worry about too much what happens to him. Either way he's safe. I just wish he could actually start getting an education so he can someday start his own life. My mom needs to realize that she's an adult and that I am not disowning her but wanting to start her own life. All of my friends and I mean ALL have gone off to college and started their own lives. And I am still held back trying to help my mom keep it all together. I end up feeling like a huge fake. I really hope Julie and my dad are being sincere but there is only one way to find out. Sure my family is going to HATE me for a while. But I would hate myself for going back right now. I need to figure out what I can and cannot do in life on my own not have my mother tell me. In a couple weeks my dad will fly out here and help me move out. I am going to end up with a huge amount of student debt by the end of my college days but that is going to have to be okay. I really want to try and take things a day at a time and not worry so much about the future. I know I need to actually focus more on studying and I will if I finally get my space. I just have to be strong and I know this is going to suck a lot but it will just be a couple more months. Thank god.