So Alone, Help Me Out......
Hello there everyone. Long time, no entry. So, I'm kind of going through a hard time right now. I figure I'll spill my guts because everyone who reads this, well, I never see any of you anymore. I"m officially homesick. Have been for like 1 month. We're not talking I just wish I was home, I'm like sobbing constantly, I'm never happy, I pretty much just sit in my dorm room and do homework or lay in bed and cry. Pathetic eh? Basketball I dread...everyone else if having so much fun, I'm getting nothing out of it. I'm so depressed. Make fun of me, say I'm weird, but this weekend I came home and was put on medication for anxiety. It's suppose to just calm me down when I start to feel overwhelmed. I've honestly never been so sad and lonely. For anyone who knows me, I love to laugh and enjoy life....and sadly I'm not. Here's the other thing, I miss Larry so much! It'll be 8 months tomorrow. I know for some people like Gev, she never gets to see or talk to her bf....so I can't complain, but I'm miserable. Every thought I have is of him, honestly. I'm so in love with him. He was the first one to say he loved me a long time ago, I mean, we had only been together like 2 months. I was shocked. I mean, I liked him a lot, but I didn't necessarily love him. After that, I fall in love with him more and more everyday. I've talked to many people lately about our relationship. I am in no way questioning his love for me, I know he does with all his heart. I'm just so afraid being away from me he'll find someone else. If he does, he does. Obviously we weren't meant to be. (i'm in no way saying that's goign to happen) but I still worry. Another thing is, I'm so jealous. I'll admit. I can't go to his homecoming (which breaks my heart) because I have a bball game that day. I'm so sad, so of cours he's going to ask someone else. Yea, I know she's just a friend, but like, he's going to be on a date with a girl who isn't me, dancing with her, his arms around her, treating her like me for a night. It's so scary. I've never even had a slow dance with my boyfriend. I'm not mad at him, I know he needs to enjoy his senior year, but I just wish I could be there. I know I've been bringing him down lately. I know it must kill him to hear me crying at night and being far away unable to help me. Things will only get harder as I start traveling more and his season starts up. And what about next year? Shit, he'll be far away from me, going through everything as a college freshman. I guess I"m insecure and afraid he'll meet someone else. If he does, that means he'll be happy and that is what I want. He's treated me like a queen these past few months when all I've been is bitchy and sad. I hate being mean, as soon as I say something hurtful, I get so mad at myself for treating him so bad. He in no way deserves it. I'm trying so hard to get better, to be happy. I promise I will not worry about him on the weekends, that he loves me and will never hurt me. I promise I will be happy again, be the girl he fell in love with. Meant to be or not, I love him more than life itself. He keeps me going everyday and I thank him so much. If any of this makes sense to anyone, let me know. GIve me some advice. I don't want to lose him but I"m afaid if I keep doing what I"m doing, I will. I need him, I love him, I want him. :,( Why do I make our relationship so hard????