Wise men say, only fools rush in.
But I can't help falling...
I'm sick with strep throat and an ear infection. Fuck. You know? Haha.
So today I stayed in bed almost all day. I couldnt help it. I did most of my drawing last night for class and I had full intentions of going-- I even woke up early. But, I just couldnt do it. my head is pounding, my throat is killing me and my chest burns. Im sorry Annee Scott-- But I just missed yet ANOTHER consecutive class.
Please dont let this be like last year.
I always start out SO hard, then I just get sick or tired or something and then I give up way too easily.
I dont want to know Im like that.
Come on Court, you made DEANS LIST last semester....you can do it..pull your shit together .
My exam grades so far in my classes have been as follows: 98, 99, 95, 86 (ouch), and 96.
I refuse to fail anything anymore.
But six classes has been so much for me.
I don't know what to do.
OH AND GET THIS: I STILL DONT HAVE AFRIGGEN ADVISOR!!! THERES NOBODY TO TRACK ME DOWN AND YELL AT ME. UHG OH.
So much has been going on. Long fights with T have sucked. I just hate fighting. And what I did was a really bitchy thing (more than one might think and more than Id like to admit). But see...when I hear I'm being lied to...I snap. There's something inside of me that refuses to ever be the way I was senior year-- I refuse to ever let a guy have that much of a hold on me and make me feel that bad ever again-- or make that big of a fool out of me. Im not that girl anymore. And I wont even let my friends who are girls do it either. If you hurt me or if you disrespect me...I just won't like you as much as a person and I won't respect you much. Sure, people make mistakes, but when it's blatant disrespect...I dont care. And so I did blow you off. Completely. Without even a courtesy call. And it was wrong. But at the same time...an eye for an eye is become an increasingly appealing approach to life for me.
But I still feel sorry.
BUT, screaming at me on the phone when Im supposed to be having fun at a halloween party? Making me cry?
(see photographic evidence)
No. I dont think so. That doesnt happen. I won't allow any person, especially a guy, yell at me. I am doing what Im doing right now because i was tired of fighting with someone I loved-- why would I fight with someone I'm just getting to know? I wont. So, if you think Im just a bitch who has a split personality or however you described me, then maybe youre right-- I am a bitch. And you know why?
I'll tell you: because when you stop letting people walk all over you and you start standing up to people, it scares them. And what do scared people do? They call you a bitch.
I don't know. Halloween weekend still managed to be fun. And it was still really good. For a lot of reasons, but mainly because I guess when it comes down to it, someone was right-- they said something to me in response to a comment I made about wanting to someday just do something worth doing. And they said they didn't understand why I'm not proud of myself right now.
I am.
Because Ive shown myself that despite the slip ups lately in regards to my behavior and the way I handled myself and the choices I made/were made for me...I'm still smart. I HAVE learned from my past mistakes. And Im still strong and still worth life. And even though I've screwed myself over and made the biggest mistake that I should have reaaaaaaaaally learned from-- one that will possibly kill me hah-- I have learned that my initial gut feeling that the weekend was going to be a baaaaaaaaad mistake was right. Now I know that when I get those feelings, its time to step back and grow the hell up and NOT do things. Not always be so brave and so daring and so trusting. Because I have always, do still, and ALWAYS will see through the bullshit and the lies and dig out the truth.
I've been doing some thinking and I feel like I want to have one party in my life that is somewhat close to as amazing as the one in Meet Joe Black. And not just the materialistic party thing-- I want people to be that proud of me, to be that glad that I was born . I want this existance to matter and to really impact lives in an important way. I want to be the change in the world that for one person makes life easier and better and more worth living. I want to wake the world up-- one small smile or person at a time.
And I'm starting all of this with ME.
"Do people really change? I don't think they do, not that much, leopards not changing their spots and all that. I suspect you probably are still a heartbreaker, and I suspectyou probably still enjoy it..."
P.S. I was Tinkerbelle for Halloween.
This ones my favorite. <3 My Forest boys minus Trev and Reilly. Thanks for an amazing freshman year guys...
I rule at Flip Cup. Ahaha. I love that game since its the only drinking game Ill play cause Ive never had a sip of beer and never will ;). Lacey and I were fierce competitors.
and lastly...lol...Im not only a psychologist..Im an animal psychologist when Im drunk. And Tink the Psychologist was born. ;) kinda cute.
So it was fun. I looked hot Saturday night though, and these are from Sunday night. But its ok. I had been crying so this was pretty good haha.
I love everyone elses halloween pics. =)
Thanks for everyone who comments btw, its nice to know people read this again-- its motivation to start writing and documenting my life again.
p.s. thanks for the cherry garcia and cold cloth.
OMG EW. I DIDNT REALIZE THE MOOD ICON I HAVE PUKES!!! WTF? LOL. ahahaha