Dysphoria felt as presence or absence?

[sissy_bloke]

I was just wondering how different people experience different aspects of bodily dysphoria: as the presence of something you don't want or the absence of something you do want, or both or neither

Comments

[aaskew]

I'm not sure if my dysphoria over breasts had to do with presence/absence; I experienced it mostly in the form of surprise, such as my arm or something accidentally brushing against them and getting a surprised moment of "whoa, where did *those* come from?" There was thus this uncomfortable mismatch between there being things on my chest which my mental body map did not have, and the discordance between my innate body image and their physical presence always produced this weird, jarring sensation in my mind, but only when I noticed. I'd go through long periods of completely forgetting that I had breasts, which meant I occasionally bumped them into stuff and got reminded again and be miserable for a while. I also very often caught myself absently trying to pull my shirt flat against my chest, as though faintly puzzled as to why it was sticking out.

Oddly enough, once I started T, that feeling completely went away in mere hours, despite there not having been enough time for any physical change. It was like my brain had just received confirmation that, yep, there's nothing there, and any evidence otherwise is just a weird illusion. Almost 2 years on T now, my chest has shrunk greatly (I was an A cup pre-T and sports bras were enough to get flat) to the point where I could possibly go around shirtless and not have people notice anything out of the ordinary; I've seen cis guys with bigger boobs than I have. For the most part, my chest dysphoria is gone, although I do get moments of wishing it were even flatter, or different in shape rather than size. But that feels like more of a vanity thing, rather than the kind of strong reflexive body dissonance I used to experience.

If I were to ever get top surgery, I'm 99.9% certain I won't experience the 'phantom breasts' that some trans men (and cis women who get masectomies) sometimes report, because it's always been the exact opposite for me.

Regarding genitalia - there's a childhood account of me (at ~4 years old) apparently sleepwalking to the bathroom and attempting to pee standing up, with disastrous effects. >_>

I've oscillated between feeling a lack of penis as well as a phantom one. The former seems stronger when I am awake and fully conscious, whereas the latter comes in when I'm half-asleep (like the sleepwalking case). I've experienced strong sensations of phantom erections while on the verge of sleep or waking, sometimes manifesting fully in lucid dreams, in which they become mentally tangible with full response feedback, feel as real and present as any other body part, and is totally the best way to jerk off. In those instances, I've had moments of waking up, reflexively reaching down, and being completely surprised to find nothing there.

As a kid needing to wear the female school uniform (skirt and all), I remember having a very strong desire to wear shorts underneath, without which I felt oddly exposed, like there was an empty space between my legs that shouldn't be there and was just wrong in every way. It was a very strong, uncomfortable feeling that seemed to exist independent of social pressures - I'd tried telling myself to just do it, because it would save laundry, and if I was wearing a skirt anyway it wouldn't matter what's under it because no one could see. But I couldn't; it set off strange panic signals in my brain, and made me really stubborn over this issue despite normally being extremely compliant to authority. It seemed an on-off thing, though; certain skirts were okay for some reason, but others weren't.

Meanwhile, unless I'm very tired, I can't sleep unless there's something between my legs - usually a spare pillow, a bit of blanket, or a hand if I'm sleeping in a tent or something and there's nothing else around. My brain won't shut up otherwise and I get really restless and find it extremely hard to get to sleep.

[cykotyks]

Meanwhile, unless I'm very tired, I can't sleep unless there's something between my legs - usually a spare pillow, a bit of blanket, or a hand if I'm sleeping in a tent or something and there's nothing else around. My brain won't shut up otherwise and I get really restless and find it extremely hard to get to sleep.

I...do this, too XD; It used to be a much more present thing in my mind before I started living with my partner, but I do still frequently wake up with my hand down my own pants (which is a nuisance during shark week :| ). I never thought about it relating to being trans, considering it was around long before I realized I wasn't a girl, but it does make sense that my brain would be distressed, being reminded that there's nothing there when it thinks there should be.

[aaskew]

That is awesome that I'm not the only one who does that. XD
And yeah, in my case it was also happening long before I realised I was trans. I never actually ended up with my hands down my pants, though, just outside of it.