name change - how do you know when to start?

[kshea333]

Hi all,

I'm new to this community but I've posted before in genderqueer and other LGBTQ journals here before, so I apologize if the beginning part of this post sounds similar. I'm a female-bodied queer person who doesn't really identify with either gender, or rather fluctuates between feeling like a man and feeling like a woman. While my dress

Comments

[offloe]

Hey,

In some ways my path has been the inverse of yours (I've hormonally/socially/legally transitioned MtF but I won the androgynous-given-name lottery with Jesse so I didn't see a need to change it) but I just wanted to say this. I know you say you're not sure if you're trans because you don't want to take hormones. First, you get to decide if you're trans, and what that means to you. Second, if you were female-assigned-at-birth but don't identify as a woman...well again, you get to decide, but that sounds pretty trans to me. And you get to decide what that means for how you live your life. And third, hey, If a more gender neutral name means people are going to respond to you in a more respectful way, then that's not a wrong reason. You are the one who has to interact with dozens of people a day, no one else, you get to decide.

A story: I happened to bleach my hair blonde around the time I was transitioning, and it had the unintentional effect of helping me be read as female. I'm six-one and whiter than sour cream, so people assumed I was a cis woman from Scandinavia (seriously, four separate people have verbally assumed this, though my background's Dutch, so I guess it's not super far off.) So I've kept my hair blond since, goin' on over a year now. Is that a wrong reason? I guess some people might think so, but it helps me get through my day and it makes the way people address me more in line with the gender in which I want to be seen. I don't think that's wrong. It's not wrong to want to be seen a certain way, and it's not wrong to decide for yourself how to get that done. I know hair color is way farther down the seriousness scale than a name change...but if part of why you change your name is so people will refer to you in a more gender neutral way...I think that's perfectly reasonable and fine. Good luck with everything! =)

[kshea333]

If a more gender neutral name means people are going to respond to you in a more respectful way, then that's not a wrong reason. You are the one who has to interact with dozens of people a day, no one else, you get to decide... It's not wrong to want to be seen a certain way, and it's not wrong to decide for yourself how to get that done.

Thank you. This (and other things you said too) is really validating. It's still a fear of mine that other transgender individuals might think I'm co-opting or appropriating their space because I'm not following the same path as others (which is what one person told me years ago when I was first starting to grapple with this, that because I didn't want to completely transition to a male gender role that I wasn't really trans). It may also be influenced by past experiences when I came out as bi/queer that I was "confused" or not really queer because I was female-bodied and still had some attraction to men. But that's stuff the LGBTQ community has to deal with among itself, and I'm starting to feel confident enough that I don't need to quiet some of my gender identity or sexual orientation just b/c it doesn't fit the "mold."

Anyway, thank you for your comments :)