name change - how do you know when to start?
Hi all,
I'm new to this community but I've posted before in genderqueer and other LGBTQ journals here before, so I apologize if the beginning part of this post sounds similar. I'm a female-bodied queer person who doesn't really identify with either gender, or rather fluctuates between feeling like a man and feeling like a woman. While my dress reflects this identity fluidity, regardless of what I'm wearing or acting I still have a very femme face, a high-pitched voice, and a "feminine" shape, so it's hard to pass as butch or androgynous when I want to appear that way. Anyway, I've been playing with the idea of using a more gender-neutral name for the last couple years, and this last week or so I've had a really strong feeling of wanting one. Yet I was surprised at how scared I got once this started becoming a reality...
I'm moving to a new area in a couple months, so it'd be really easy to start using a new name and have a fresh start. The tricky thing is that I'm moving with my partner, and their family lives and the family doesn't know I don't identity as a woman. I'm very vocal about my views on gender, how it's a construction, how it can be fluid, etc. etc., but as of now it's an abstract concept for them, not something I'm talking about for myself (even though that's what I'm trying to do in a subtle way when I bring up those conversations). So when I started thinking about using a new name, I started panicking about what their family may think, etc. That got me started about all the other conversations I may have to have at one point, whether with their family or someday my own, and I started getting freaked out and wanting to forget the whole thing. Then I feel guilty that I'm not "strong" enough or "queer" enough, and that if this was really something that was important to me there would be no question, there would be no doubt. But I'm an inherently worrisome and nervous person, so I always second guess my decisions regardless of what they are. And the fact that this name and this feeling of wanting to change my name keeps coming up tells me that this is probably something important.
I guess the crux of it is that I'm scared to come out. I knew I was queer for years before I finally started telling friends and family and dating other women, and I was terrified to admit it to anyone else but when I finally did come out I was already in a queer community and had support that my feelings were validated and consistent with what other people felt. My partner is very supportive here, but other than them there is no queer (let alone trans) community where I am now so it's hard to know if what I'm feeling or the desire to change my name (and not even legally at this point) is on par with what other people feel. And now, even though I've felt for years that I don't identity strongly with one gender or another, that I remember growing up having a girl gender identity placed on me and always wondering why I couldn't use the same mannerisms as boys or play on the same sports teams as boys, I'm still afraid to officially come out as "differently" gendered. I also don't even know if it would qualify as trans, because I don't want to take hormones, I'm already dressing how I would dress...it would just be a name change.
Another layer to this is that I'm starting a teacher education program this summer to get my teaching certification, and i'm going to be student teaching and eventually become a full time high school teacher. The thought of being called Ms., Miss, or Mrs. is making me cringe right now, and Mr. doesn't seem right either. I've seen "Mx." be used before, but I don't know how students would react to that, or maybe they could just use only my last name and then the gender would get out of it. But I just feel like it would make more sense to students, and more sense to other people I talk to when I try to explain my gender identity, if I had a more gender neutral name. Not that I'd only want to change my name and outwardly appear more gender neutral for other people, but to be honest that's definitely part of it. Is that bad? Does that mean I'm doing it for the wrong reasons?
I feel like this post was all over the place, but I really appreciate those who read through it and would love any advice or insights people have, or reasons why people chose to change their name and how they knew it was the right time.
I'm new to this community but I've posted before in genderqueer and other LGBTQ journals here before, so I apologize if the beginning part of this post sounds similar. I'm a female-bodied queer person who doesn't really identify with either gender, or rather fluctuates between feeling like a man and feeling like a woman. While my dress reflects this identity fluidity, regardless of what I'm wearing or acting I still have a very femme face, a high-pitched voice, and a "feminine" shape, so it's hard to pass as butch or androgynous when I want to appear that way. Anyway, I've been playing with the idea of using a more gender-neutral name for the last couple years, and this last week or so I've had a really strong feeling of wanting one. Yet I was surprised at how scared I got once this started becoming a reality...
I'm moving to a new area in a couple months, so it'd be really easy to start using a new name and have a fresh start. The tricky thing is that I'm moving with my partner, and their family lives and the family doesn't know I don't identity as a woman. I'm very vocal about my views on gender, how it's a construction, how it can be fluid, etc. etc., but as of now it's an abstract concept for them, not something I'm talking about for myself (even though that's what I'm trying to do in a subtle way when I bring up those conversations). So when I started thinking about using a new name, I started panicking about what their family may think, etc. That got me started about all the other conversations I may have to have at one point, whether with their family or someday my own, and I started getting freaked out and wanting to forget the whole thing. Then I feel guilty that I'm not "strong" enough or "queer" enough, and that if this was really something that was important to me there would be no question, there would be no doubt. But I'm an inherently worrisome and nervous person, so I always second guess my decisions regardless of what they are. And the fact that this name and this feeling of wanting to change my name keeps coming up tells me that this is probably something important.
I guess the crux of it is that I'm scared to come out. I knew I was queer for years before I finally started telling friends and family and dating other women, and I was terrified to admit it to anyone else but when I finally did come out I was already in a queer community and had support that my feelings were validated and consistent with what other people felt. My partner is very supportive here, but other than them there is no queer (let alone trans) community where I am now so it's hard to know if what I'm feeling or the desire to change my name (and not even legally at this point) is on par with what other people feel. And now, even though I've felt for years that I don't identity strongly with one gender or another, that I remember growing up having a girl gender identity placed on me and always wondering why I couldn't use the same mannerisms as boys or play on the same sports teams as boys, I'm still afraid to officially come out as "differently" gendered. I also don't even know if it would qualify as trans, because I don't want to take hormones, I'm already dressing how I would dress...it would just be a name change.
Another layer to this is that I'm starting a teacher education program this summer to get my teaching certification, and i'm going to be student teaching and eventually become a full time high school teacher. The thought of being called Ms., Miss, or Mrs. is making me cringe right now, and Mr. doesn't seem right either. I've seen "Mx." be used before, but I don't know how students would react to that, or maybe they could just use only my last name and then the gender would get out of it. But I just feel like it would make more sense to students, and more sense to other people I talk to when I try to explain my gender identity, if I had a more gender neutral name. Not that I'd only want to change my name and outwardly appear more gender neutral for other people, but to be honest that's definitely part of it. Is that bad? Does that mean I'm doing it for the wrong reasons?
I feel like this post was all over the place, but I really appreciate those who read through it and would love any advice or insights people have, or reasons why people chose to change their name and how they knew it was the right time.