[controversial] on transmisogyny and male privilege

[aaskew]

(apologies in advance because this possibly comes across as a 'what about the menz? :(' post. I've tried my best not to make it so, but this is a topic I'd like to discuss further

Comments

[aaskew]

"Is there scope for you to develop your own theories?"

yeah, I've been trying to do that, the problem being that without outside validation I have no idea how legit they are, because it requires a lot of assumptions about how other people view the world and their own genders, and how my own experiences relate to that.

"Why does it matter to you to have a voice in feminist discussions?"

I've spent a significant part of my life being a passionate feminist. Being on the receiving end of sexism and not having much of a voice or authority in patriarchal society made feminist spaces (particularly online ones) the main outlet for my opinions and expression. I was able to relate to a lot of women in their experiences of misogyny, and they were able to relate to mine. When I was perceived as (and wrongly thought myself to be, thinking my gender dysphoria was merely internalised misogyny) cis female, this wasn't a problem.

So it's jarring to suddenly be considered to not belong in those spaces the moment I realised I wasn't a girl after all, given that I'm still the exact same person with the same experiences and beliefs that were once considered worth listening to. It's likewise disorienting to suddenly go from being considered a victim of male privilege to being considered someone who has it, when again not much has changed with who I am and how I'm treated by society (though that's changing with transition). And while the latter conception may be closer to the truth, it still requires a huge change in self-conception, and it takes getting used to:

before:
cis woman: *talks about a specific form of misogyny*
me: I get that too!
cis woman: yeah, it sucks, doesn't it :(

now:
cis woman: *talks about a specific form of misogyny*
me: I get that too!
cis woman: no you're a man you don't know anything. >:(

basically i'm butthurt. /o\
At the same time I don't feel that I have a right to identify myself with (cis) male feminists, because they're also coming from a different approach that might require more effort due to their increased male privilege and ability to be completely unaware of the gulf between how men and women are treated in society. Me claiming that same identity feels like cheating, because I've been directly exposed to that gulf and made clearly aware of it. Such that it seems that even my brother with all his hipster ironic sexism is a better feminist than I am, because he's free of all that baggage I have. He doesn't even have unfeminist reactions like being triggered by the word 'vagina', which I sometimes am.

[aaskew]

thanks for the suggestion! I have a genderqueer online friend whom I chat a lot with about this stuff, and finding other similar outlets might be a good move.

Though the problem usually arises when I'm reading some feminist article/blogpost, and commenters are discussing the issue in ways I'd like to bring my personal experiences to in order to contribute to the discussion. (I'm not a good lurker. I need to comment on things.) Only that I then feel bad about potentially drawing attention away from women's voices to my own, regardless of whether or not I explicitly state my gender. I don't even know if it would be disingenuous to have them assume I'm a cis woman. :\
It feels more problematic when I experience Thing X as sexist while most of the cis women commenting don't think so, because then that feels like trying to tell women what they should or should not find offensive.

[aaskew]

"That's not a failure to be a good feminist, it's success in being a trans person."

It usually doesn't end there, though, and extends to me having negative knee-jerk reactions to all manner of things around female sexuality and sexual empowerment. My dysphoria has made me fairly sex-negative, and I have a tendency to reflexively (though not publicly) engage in slut-shaming as a way to keep anything to do with women / female bodies and sex suppressed and far away where I don't have to see it or hear about it, because I get triggered otherwise.

Jealousy is almost definitely a part of it - I'm not comfortable with my own body, especially sexually (still a virgin, and one of my greatest fears is finding a partner whom I'm sexually attracted to and who is likewise sexually attracted to me, but where we still can't do anything about that because of my dysphoria getting in the way and ruining everything), and it hurts me to see other people who are comfortable with that part of themselves. I know it's selfish and I'm trying to work on that, but until then it's an area I'm kind of bitter about.

Add on to that years of pre-transition life in which various cis female friends thought I was a repressed prude and tried to get me to open up and embrace my womanhood and dress more feminine to enhance my assets which I was persistently trying to forget existed, and it's just a lot of bad memories and associations all around.

[aaskew]

That's really helpful; thanks! Especially for the quote, because I can relate.