From the confused morass of queer within me emerges a thread of continuity...
Hello, and good morning/day/evening/night. This is my first post here in this community. I shall proceed with a tasteful and aesthetically pleasing
I'm not entirely sure where to start, as there's nothing resembling a linear progression of thoughts in my brain as it relates to my gender and what I'm going through at the moment. So I guess I'll start somewhere and end up somewhere else. Foolproof, no?
It's difficult for me to pin down the first time I realized that I wasn't entirely comfortable and secure in the male gender role afforded me by my physical sex. While I was a teenager, I discovered transsexualism and transgenderism via the internet, and I may or may not have felt something click inside. It's hard to know, because about that time, my drug addiction issues kicked in, thereby squashing most of my self-exploration and honest reflection on who I am, inside and out.
Over the years, I've secretly dressed up like a girl, to both sexual and non-sexual ends, had a girlfriend who helped me explore my feminine side (again to both sexual and non-sexual ends), wore makeup both in public and in private, etc. In essence, little itty bitty gender-bendy-ish things that I never gave much though to. For all intents and purposes, I was some sort of bisexual femmy boy-thing, but most of all, I was a drug addict in active addiction.
So let's fast-forward a bit. I'm now clean and sober, and working really hard to maintain my recovery. As a direct result, I'm actually engaging in self-exploration and whatnot, and what I've found staring back at me is a soul that is for the most part grounded, healthy, and happy, but with a big swirly mess in the middle. I've thought long and hard enough to realize that this swirly mess centers on my gender.
In the past, I was comfortable with embracing both my masculine bio-gender-ness as well as my feminine quirks, and didn't give a whole lot of thought to how I was percieved in the eyes of others. I guess you could have boxed me up, wrapped me with a bow and labelled me "genderqueer to the max." It worked for me for a long time, especially while I was wrapped up in active addiction and honestly didn't care how I was percieved by others.
What has changed, now, it that for the first time in my life, I'm experiencing distress and discomfort from being percieved as male by others. Inside, my sexual and spiritual energy has become increasingly feminine (now, if that's not the most subjective and unprovable statement ever, I don't know what is...). I'm starting to experience acute distress with my masculine traits. It's weird. It's new. It's freaking me out a little bit. Hence, I felt it prudent to reach out. In the past, I kept me to myself, but I can't do that anymore.
I'm starting to embrace the possibility that I lie somewhere closer to the feminine end of the gender spectrum that I hitherto believed, to the point that I may not want to continue living as a male. Although it feels great to start exploring these feelings, to be basking in more personal truths, it is simultaneously one of those things that makes me feel like the floor has dropped out from under me.
So I guess I am simply seeking to make an introduction, and to meet some people out there who have dealt with gender dysphoria, and who may or may not have undergone any degree of social/physical transition. I guess I would appreciate some advice as to some of the first steps I can take to figure out where to go from here, but mostly I just want to make some friends and listen to other people's experience. I need to hear the experience of others, to see where I can identify with others, and perhaps better come to know the true me.
Thanks so much for reading. Have a pleasant time crusin' around on LJ!
I'm not entirely sure where to start, as there's nothing resembling a linear progression of thoughts in my brain as it relates to my gender and what I'm going through at the moment. So I guess I'll start somewhere and end up somewhere else. Foolproof, no?
It's difficult for me to pin down the first time I realized that I wasn't entirely comfortable and secure in the male gender role afforded me by my physical sex. While I was a teenager, I discovered transsexualism and transgenderism via the internet, and I may or may not have felt something click inside. It's hard to know, because about that time, my drug addiction issues kicked in, thereby squashing most of my self-exploration and honest reflection on who I am, inside and out.
Over the years, I've secretly dressed up like a girl, to both sexual and non-sexual ends, had a girlfriend who helped me explore my feminine side (again to both sexual and non-sexual ends), wore makeup both in public and in private, etc. In essence, little itty bitty gender-bendy-ish things that I never gave much though to. For all intents and purposes, I was some sort of bisexual femmy boy-thing, but most of all, I was a drug addict in active addiction.
So let's fast-forward a bit. I'm now clean and sober, and working really hard to maintain my recovery. As a direct result, I'm actually engaging in self-exploration and whatnot, and what I've found staring back at me is a soul that is for the most part grounded, healthy, and happy, but with a big swirly mess in the middle. I've thought long and hard enough to realize that this swirly mess centers on my gender.
In the past, I was comfortable with embracing both my masculine bio-gender-ness as well as my feminine quirks, and didn't give a whole lot of thought to how I was percieved in the eyes of others. I guess you could have boxed me up, wrapped me with a bow and labelled me "genderqueer to the max." It worked for me for a long time, especially while I was wrapped up in active addiction and honestly didn't care how I was percieved by others.
What has changed, now, it that for the first time in my life, I'm experiencing distress and discomfort from being percieved as male by others. Inside, my sexual and spiritual energy has become increasingly feminine (now, if that's not the most subjective and unprovable statement ever, I don't know what is...). I'm starting to experience acute distress with my masculine traits. It's weird. It's new. It's freaking me out a little bit. Hence, I felt it prudent to reach out. In the past, I kept me to myself, but I can't do that anymore.
I'm starting to embrace the possibility that I lie somewhere closer to the feminine end of the gender spectrum that I hitherto believed, to the point that I may not want to continue living as a male. Although it feels great to start exploring these feelings, to be basking in more personal truths, it is simultaneously one of those things that makes me feel like the floor has dropped out from under me.
So I guess I am simply seeking to make an introduction, and to meet some people out there who have dealt with gender dysphoria, and who may or may not have undergone any degree of social/physical transition. I guess I would appreciate some advice as to some of the first steps I can take to figure out where to go from here, but mostly I just want to make some friends and listen to other people's experience. I need to hear the experience of others, to see where I can identify with others, and perhaps better come to know the true me.
Thanks so much for reading. Have a pleasant time crusin' around on LJ!