Desperately need some advice! (gay content warning...)
I prefer not to refer to it as homosexuality, but as loving someone who happens to be a man. I would never want to touch any other man - ever - but let me be “straight” about this: I’ve been fucking a man up the ass for the past 12 years (it’s twelve, that’s not a typo), AND I’m still deeply and passionately in love with him - I love him completely, not just his body. So, that makes me semi-gay, I mean “seme” gay, and I love only my “uke” and noone else. Seriously, I’m not in denial. I’ve accepted who I am, and part of who I am is someone who’s annoyed by labels - so let’s move on.
Anyway, words can’t do justice to how much I long for him when he’s gone, and how elated I feel just from seeing him or even hearing his voice. We’re almost always on the same wavelength, we get along amazingly well in every way -- until recently. He’s been spending time online for a while, and recently asked me if I wanted to reverse our positions. All our previous “research” told us that positions normally aren’t reversed, but apparently it’s trendy now, or chicks dig it, or whatever. My reply was fast and (I still think) it was beautiful. I said: “I love you so much, that I’ll give anything and everything to you. I know I’d sacrifice my very life for you without hesitation, so.. if all you want is my ass, go for it.” I thought I said it pretty well, and I told the honest truth, but he didn’t like that I compared it to a sacrifice. I told him that sometimes things can be about what HE wants, and it’s ok. If I was really bothered by it, I would honestly say so, and if HE wants to try it, we’ll try it. It wasn’t a problem.
It was a problem. Long story short, we didn’t get very far. I was nervous and rigid, but limp where it counts. He basically stopped because I couldn’t get a hard-on from being fingered! He said he doesn’t want to hurt me or traumatize me, and that I was squirming and scared and grossed out. I told him, I wasn’t scared, I WAS JUST NERVOUS!!! And I tried to explain that this is about him and not about me, and it’s OK that it’s about him. He told me to “just forget it”, I asked him if he’s sure and he said he’s sure. I was quite relieved at first (whew, dodged a bullet.. well.. dodged something!) but................. he’s gotten colder, and I’ve gotten very frustrated because I feel responsible. I can still get him off in bed, (I know it’s cheesy) but I don’t just want him to cum, I want him to be happy!
About a week after that, he started to make me really SCARED - saying how he wants to become a woman since he doesn’t use his dick. We both use it plenty, so that’s just nonsense. So he starts reminding me about how I always talk about wanting him to be happy and how I’d love him no matter what, and I should support him in this. I tried to explain: this is not something you do on a whim, it’s not reversible, plus saying he doesn’t use his dick is just not true - he should not make a non-reversible decision on a whim and based on a lie!
He’s never been unreasonable before, but he’s being unreasonable now. And he’s talking about hormone treatments and stuff that was never an issue before. And he insists that he violated and traumatized me - that’s honestly and truly a load of bull. It was just a FINGER, and mind you, I agreed to more. Weird and awkward? Yes. Traumatizing? Absolutely not. However, if he loses his dick because of this, I will be very traumatized! I told him that, and the fact that he’s not listening to reason is extremely frustrating.
I asked “but will you still want me, and do you still want me?” all seductive-like, and he said “I don’t want your ass anymore, that’s for sure.” and... I don’t want him to want my ass, but the sentiment itself and the play on words (don’t want your ass = don’t want you) really hurt me more than I thought possible. And I told him, I wasn’t scared back then but now I am scared - I don’t want him to lose his genitals, certainly not on a whim like that.... What, because he couldn’t make me his uke in 5 minutes, he has to give up his dick forever??? It’s ridiculous. I’ve never cried before, but I cried the whole time I was driving to work. I don’t even care if he starts looking like a woman! The idea of him losing his genitals honestly makes me panic - cause they’re kind of mine too, right? RIGHT??? And the idea that he’ll stop loving me makes me panic. And the idea that I’m in a panic, makes me panic even more!!!
And now I can’t sleep so I’m typing this. Not even sure if I’ll post it, or where - I’ll have to find a place, I need help. He’s never acted this irrational before, but I’ve never acted this emotional before either. Never. What’s wrong with him, what’s wrong with me, what can I do, what can I say??? If anyone has any advice, it would be very much appreciated. I’ve never been as unsure or felt as helpless as I feel right now. Just... WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE HIM HAPPY??? :(
Anyway, words can’t do justice to how much I long for him when he’s gone, and how elated I feel just from seeing him or even hearing his voice. We’re almost always on the same wavelength, we get along amazingly well in every way -- until recently. He’s been spending time online for a while, and recently asked me if I wanted to reverse our positions. All our previous “research” told us that positions normally aren’t reversed, but apparently it’s trendy now, or chicks dig it, or whatever. My reply was fast and (I still think) it was beautiful. I said: “I love you so much, that I’ll give anything and everything to you. I know I’d sacrifice my very life for you without hesitation, so.. if all you want is my ass, go for it.” I thought I said it pretty well, and I told the honest truth, but he didn’t like that I compared it to a sacrifice. I told him that sometimes things can be about what HE wants, and it’s ok. If I was really bothered by it, I would honestly say so, and if HE wants to try it, we’ll try it. It wasn’t a problem.
It was a problem. Long story short, we didn’t get very far. I was nervous and rigid, but limp where it counts. He basically stopped because I couldn’t get a hard-on from being fingered! He said he doesn’t want to hurt me or traumatize me, and that I was squirming and scared and grossed out. I told him, I wasn’t scared, I WAS JUST NERVOUS!!! And I tried to explain that this is about him and not about me, and it’s OK that it’s about him. He told me to “just forget it”, I asked him if he’s sure and he said he’s sure. I was quite relieved at first (whew, dodged a bullet.. well.. dodged something!) but................. he’s gotten colder, and I’ve gotten very frustrated because I feel responsible. I can still get him off in bed, (I know it’s cheesy) but I don’t just want him to cum, I want him to be happy!
About a week after that, he started to make me really SCARED - saying how he wants to become a woman since he doesn’t use his dick. We both use it plenty, so that’s just nonsense. So he starts reminding me about how I always talk about wanting him to be happy and how I’d love him no matter what, and I should support him in this. I tried to explain: this is not something you do on a whim, it’s not reversible, plus saying he doesn’t use his dick is just not true - he should not make a non-reversible decision on a whim and based on a lie!
He’s never been unreasonable before, but he’s being unreasonable now. And he’s talking about hormone treatments and stuff that was never an issue before. And he insists that he violated and traumatized me - that’s honestly and truly a load of bull. It was just a FINGER, and mind you, I agreed to more. Weird and awkward? Yes. Traumatizing? Absolutely not. However, if he loses his dick because of this, I will be very traumatized! I told him that, and the fact that he’s not listening to reason is extremely frustrating.
I asked “but will you still want me, and do you still want me?” all seductive-like, and he said “I don’t want your ass anymore, that’s for sure.” and... I don’t want him to want my ass, but the sentiment itself and the play on words (don’t want your ass = don’t want you) really hurt me more than I thought possible. And I told him, I wasn’t scared back then but now I am scared - I don’t want him to lose his genitals, certainly not on a whim like that.... What, because he couldn’t make me his uke in 5 minutes, he has to give up his dick forever??? It’s ridiculous. I’ve never cried before, but I cried the whole time I was driving to work. I don’t even care if he starts looking like a woman! The idea of him losing his genitals honestly makes me panic - cause they’re kind of mine too, right? RIGHT??? And the idea that he’ll stop loving me makes me panic. And the idea that I’m in a panic, makes me panic even more!!!
And now I can’t sleep so I’m typing this. Not even sure if I’ll post it, or where - I’ll have to find a place, I need help. He’s never acted this irrational before, but I’ve never acted this emotional before either. Never. What’s wrong with him, what’s wrong with me, what can I do, what can I say??? If anyone has any advice, it would be very much appreciated. I’ve never been as unsure or felt as helpless as I feel right now. Just... WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE HIM HAPPY??? :(