dancing the tightrope of gender
i posted something in my own journal about this and i figure i would write about it here where people will actually comment on it and maybe i would feel less alone with it.
here is what i wrote...
sometimes i think my transgenderism is a curse... actually most of the time i do.... but i dunno. sometimes i can actually see it as a blessing. i guess it all depends on which side of the tightrope wire i am leaning towards. i mean its just so weird living in this little zone of confusion. how many people can say that they have been anything other than male or female. how many people live in the middle and get to see what it is like to be read as male, or female, depending on your mood and how you see yourself. i should feel special right?
i dont really feel special. i feel like i have some horrible illness and none of the cures worked so i just have to adapt while the illness consumes me. but i guess thats just because im dancing on the wire and going back and forth wondering which way i am going to fall. it really doesnt matter though. there are no cushions on either side to protect me. there is noone standing down there wanting to catch me. as long as i can hold up the illusion i can enjoy myself up here dancing. smiling. lost in confusion and ignorance.
and while i was writing this, a song came on my ipod. kinda weird how it came on while i was writing that stuff because its on random and playing every song in its vast database. and it just made me think even deeper about all of this. im sure all of us have this duality where we feel and behave on both sides of the gender binary. i have found that most of my time is spent in the grey area that is undefined by the binary. but still sometimes i fall on one side or the other and i fall apart. and the song just fit in so well with what i was thinking that i have to include the lyrics.
i love us both but i don't feel good
so i keep pulling over
and looking under
the hood
i love us both but i'm at wit's end
where does your compromise begin
and mine end?
i love us both but what
world's it gonna be?
the one according to you
or the one according to me?
i don't feel good so ...
now do my problems include
talks with doctors who don't even understand
about food?
i think in ancient china they kinda
figured out how the body works
but our culture is just a roughneck
teenage jerk
with a bottle of pills
and a bottle of booze
and a full round of ammunition
and nothing to lose
and is it really the best we can do
to arm wrestle over whose world it's gonna be?
(the one according to you
or the one according to me)
i love us both and i'll see ya
if you'll see me
so ... who are we?
so yea, not quite sure why i am posting this. i just would like to hear some thoughts i guess. maybe to feel a bit less alone in my way of thinking and to justify that its normal to bounce back and forth so often. but then again. whats normal.
here is what i wrote...
sometimes i think my transgenderism is a curse... actually most of the time i do.... but i dunno. sometimes i can actually see it as a blessing. i guess it all depends on which side of the tightrope wire i am leaning towards. i mean its just so weird living in this little zone of confusion. how many people can say that they have been anything other than male or female. how many people live in the middle and get to see what it is like to be read as male, or female, depending on your mood and how you see yourself. i should feel special right?
i dont really feel special. i feel like i have some horrible illness and none of the cures worked so i just have to adapt while the illness consumes me. but i guess thats just because im dancing on the wire and going back and forth wondering which way i am going to fall. it really doesnt matter though. there are no cushions on either side to protect me. there is noone standing down there wanting to catch me. as long as i can hold up the illusion i can enjoy myself up here dancing. smiling. lost in confusion and ignorance.
and while i was writing this, a song came on my ipod. kinda weird how it came on while i was writing that stuff because its on random and playing every song in its vast database. and it just made me think even deeper about all of this. im sure all of us have this duality where we feel and behave on both sides of the gender binary. i have found that most of my time is spent in the grey area that is undefined by the binary. but still sometimes i fall on one side or the other and i fall apart. and the song just fit in so well with what i was thinking that i have to include the lyrics.
i love us both but i don't feel good
so i keep pulling over
and looking under
the hood
i love us both but i'm at wit's end
where does your compromise begin
and mine end?
i love us both but what
world's it gonna be?
the one according to you
or the one according to me?
i don't feel good so ...
now do my problems include
talks with doctors who don't even understand
about food?
i think in ancient china they kinda
figured out how the body works
but our culture is just a roughneck
teenage jerk
with a bottle of pills
and a bottle of booze
and a full round of ammunition
and nothing to lose
and is it really the best we can do
to arm wrestle over whose world it's gonna be?
(the one according to you
or the one according to me)
i love us both and i'll see ya
if you'll see me
so ... who are we?
so yea, not quite sure why i am posting this. i just would like to hear some thoughts i guess. maybe to feel a bit less alone in my way of thinking and to justify that its normal to bounce back and forth so often. but then again. whats normal.