it's on.
I feel like i need to keep writing about this. I need to get it out. It's the first time i've EVER EVER just spilled like this about my ed. I don't know why it feels so good to just get it out. No pun intended.
must be a pattern for me.
do undo do undo do undo do undo do undo do undo.
Right now knowing that i will not have consumed any food today i already feel a million times better. It makes me sick to talklike this because i am a smart girl and i know healthy. I know all about it. And in a way i feel like this is why the bulimia developed. it's like i just wanted to be normal. and while i look it on the outside my head constantly racing with thoughts of calories, fat, protein, carbs drove me to the edge. and now i'm rebelling against that.
it's like i need to find a way to conquer myself and not be controlled by my thoughts. I want to control something. And believe me i've researched therapy and ed's and i know this is allll typical. It's almost like i WANT to be classified or something. The whole thing is sick and twisted and it amazes me that in the course of a few years i've gone from someone who could careless about food, dieting, and health to someone so obsessed that i've resorted to completely being afraid to eat.
Right now there is a voice in my head telling me to binge binge binge binge. it's telling me there is no way i will make it to my goal weight without binging. and I believe it. But i will NOT binge today. There is no way. and i feel like if i keep telling myself that every day, i won't binge ever again.
it's wishful thinking i suppose.
i must stay away from all things triggering. no talking about the ex. no talk about my dying puppy. no talking about my childhood. no talking about my health and weightloss from before. no talk about drinking and drugs. no talk about food. no talking about how great i did at this or that. no more. just focus on the next few weeks, getting thinner, no more binging, big changes, saying goodbye.
i can do this.
i must post here every day. weight and stats too. i weigh myself tomorrow. this is so on. i know no one here is reading me yet, so it's almost as if this is all for me. no one else. no one i know at least... and i can't tell you why but that feels so damn good.
must be a pattern for me.
do undo do undo do undo do undo do undo do undo.
Right now knowing that i will not have consumed any food today i already feel a million times better. It makes me sick to talklike this because i am a smart girl and i know healthy. I know all about it. And in a way i feel like this is why the bulimia developed. it's like i just wanted to be normal. and while i look it on the outside my head constantly racing with thoughts of calories, fat, protein, carbs drove me to the edge. and now i'm rebelling against that.
it's like i need to find a way to conquer myself and not be controlled by my thoughts. I want to control something. And believe me i've researched therapy and ed's and i know this is allll typical. It's almost like i WANT to be classified or something. The whole thing is sick and twisted and it amazes me that in the course of a few years i've gone from someone who could careless about food, dieting, and health to someone so obsessed that i've resorted to completely being afraid to eat.
Right now there is a voice in my head telling me to binge binge binge binge. it's telling me there is no way i will make it to my goal weight without binging. and I believe it. But i will NOT binge today. There is no way. and i feel like if i keep telling myself that every day, i won't binge ever again.
it's wishful thinking i suppose.
i must stay away from all things triggering. no talking about the ex. no talk about my dying puppy. no talking about my childhood. no talking about my health and weightloss from before. no talk about drinking and drugs. no talk about food. no talking about how great i did at this or that. no more. just focus on the next few weeks, getting thinner, no more binging, big changes, saying goodbye.
i can do this.
i must post here every day. weight and stats too. i weigh myself tomorrow. this is so on. i know no one here is reading me yet, so it's almost as if this is all for me. no one else. no one i know at least... and i can't tell you why but that feels so damn good.