again
i fucked up. again. I CAN'T EAT without binging. It's impossible. My brain is completely out of whack. It's like giving a heroin addict one last fix. It doesn't happen that way.
I'm sitting here, up all night. i've been eating for a few hours. it's too late to even purge now. i sort of don't want to. i feel like i need to suffer the consequences, gain gain gain gain, bloat, sick tummy, no release. i deserve it. i can't just be good to myself.
My appt. is at 9 am tomorrow with a center. i don't know what's going to happen. I don't where to start. I don't know what to tell them. I don't know what they can possibly do to fix me.
But i need some sort of direction.
I miss being thin and pretty. I miss being able to eat without the urge to binge. I miss endulging without the urge to purge. I miss the times when the rare occasion i would puke would come from an episode of accidentally drinking too much.
Now i hardly ever drink. I always use it as a way to justify overeating and puking. So many people go out, drink too much, and puke. Why can't i skip the drinking all together and take home diner food binge binge binge and purge.
same difference in my head now.
i need help. i know i need help.
I just want to stop eating all together. Drink lots of water and take suppliments. I almost feel like it's healthier. This is too much for me. I can't handle it.
I have never been self loathing like this before. Tonight? I fucking hate myself. I am disgusted with what i put in my mouth. My total lack of self control. I'm disgusted with my envy, remorse, regret. I am disgusted.
Let's see if i can peel myself out of bed in the morning for this appointment. Let's see.
I'm sitting here, up all night. i've been eating for a few hours. it's too late to even purge now. i sort of don't want to. i feel like i need to suffer the consequences, gain gain gain gain, bloat, sick tummy, no release. i deserve it. i can't just be good to myself.
My appt. is at 9 am tomorrow with a center. i don't know what's going to happen. I don't where to start. I don't know what to tell them. I don't know what they can possibly do to fix me.
But i need some sort of direction.
I miss being thin and pretty. I miss being able to eat without the urge to binge. I miss endulging without the urge to purge. I miss the times when the rare occasion i would puke would come from an episode of accidentally drinking too much.
Now i hardly ever drink. I always use it as a way to justify overeating and puking. So many people go out, drink too much, and puke. Why can't i skip the drinking all together and take home diner food binge binge binge and purge.
same difference in my head now.
i need help. i know i need help.
I just want to stop eating all together. Drink lots of water and take suppliments. I almost feel like it's healthier. This is too much for me. I can't handle it.
I have never been self loathing like this before. Tonight? I fucking hate myself. I am disgusted with what i put in my mouth. My total lack of self control. I'm disgusted with my envy, remorse, regret. I am disgusted.
Let's see if i can peel myself out of bed in the morning for this appointment. Let's see.