everything has changed, absolutely nothing's changed
i think this will be my last entry. everything is different now. i had a moment recently. i've told a couple of people about it and i want to tell more, i want to tell everyone. that one moment was an epic one and i will never forget it. i think i'd like to become a private person now, and this journal is a place to start. time to tie up some loose ends, don't want to leave anyone hanging...regardless of whether or not i leave for new york, i'm going to have to be different for what i know now.
lately i've noticed how easy it is for people to lie, or well at the least to delude themselves so completely. i have a friend who does the same things that i do, hate, leave, return, hate, leave, return. all of a sudden i just realized how much i have to say, well as long as it's the last hurrah i'll go for it. only forty minutes till class that should be enough. let them lie. let them be happy. let them figure out what it is that makes them happy. let them be different. let them fuck up. let them be miserable losers. let them hate themselves. let let let let let let. i need to let go. some things are harder than others...i can attest to that.
a true journal entry, i haven't done these since some emails to a good friend. so here goes. i don't consider myself righteous, i would venture to say that my expectations of others only regards how they treat ME. i don't give a fuck what people do to others, that's their problem, but i think i should have some input, some say in how people treat me. so whenever someone hurts me, and i say to them, 'well i wouldn't have done that to you' it makes me want to vomit when they say, 'well we can't all be as perfect as you'. i'm not perfect, i have just been able to make some tough decisions, and i guess when it comes to my close friends, i would hope it would be worth their time to make those tough decisions in my regard as well. wishful thinking. again back to the lies. sometimes i want to scream out to people HYPOCRITE and then list off all the things they're being hypocritical about so that everyone can hear it and just avoid that person. is it worthwhile to alienate someone when they've done something wrong. i think about a friend from a long time ago who did something shitty, stupid to me, and i told people about it because i wanted others to understand what kind of person they were....i don't want to be angry anymore.
i wish things that happened could be just that, not interpretations, or justified, or obligations, or blah blah blah. i don't want to hear excuses anymore. from me or anyone else. i don't understand why some things are said. just to be nice? just to make themselves feel better? to look like a fool. if i told someone that i wanted to be with them, i would mean it. you can't say that and just 'be nice'. more lies. who gains with these lies? i suspect they serve to make me feel guilty. well those lies that are directed towards me. it's all bullshit. all bullshit. but now it's done. it has been laid to rest finally...although it wouldn't seem so with some of the bitterness that remains. i don't want to understand anymore, i just want to let go.
it's so funny when you think of how things work out. that car accident that happened in front of me. the old woman in the nice car, the accident her fault. she walks away unscathed. the young black girl who was just fucking driving the speed limit, piece of shit car, screaming about her neck. old woman oblivious. that is life, that is how it seems to work out. that is how it seems to be working out with me. evil lurks in the hearts of the most beautiful sometimes.
you never forget when you are treated inhumanely. never.
in spite of the pain, i press on, quite happy actually. i am hopeful of things working out with someone because i have never seen this look before in another girl's eyes when i am talking to her, making her laugh is like birth or some shit...and since that moment in the park i have not stopped thinking about her.
ahh that time, that place...when i close my eyes i can still feel the rain running into my ears, my shirt sticking to my body. not a single turtle in turtle pond. what i would give to exist in that moment forever. what is meant to be?
i'm done.
goodbye.
louie
lately i've noticed how easy it is for people to lie, or well at the least to delude themselves so completely. i have a friend who does the same things that i do, hate, leave, return, hate, leave, return. all of a sudden i just realized how much i have to say, well as long as it's the last hurrah i'll go for it. only forty minutes till class that should be enough. let them lie. let them be happy. let them figure out what it is that makes them happy. let them be different. let them fuck up. let them be miserable losers. let them hate themselves. let let let let let let. i need to let go. some things are harder than others...i can attest to that.
a true journal entry, i haven't done these since some emails to a good friend. so here goes. i don't consider myself righteous, i would venture to say that my expectations of others only regards how they treat ME. i don't give a fuck what people do to others, that's their problem, but i think i should have some input, some say in how people treat me. so whenever someone hurts me, and i say to them, 'well i wouldn't have done that to you' it makes me want to vomit when they say, 'well we can't all be as perfect as you'. i'm not perfect, i have just been able to make some tough decisions, and i guess when it comes to my close friends, i would hope it would be worth their time to make those tough decisions in my regard as well. wishful thinking. again back to the lies. sometimes i want to scream out to people HYPOCRITE and then list off all the things they're being hypocritical about so that everyone can hear it and just avoid that person. is it worthwhile to alienate someone when they've done something wrong. i think about a friend from a long time ago who did something shitty, stupid to me, and i told people about it because i wanted others to understand what kind of person they were....i don't want to be angry anymore.
i wish things that happened could be just that, not interpretations, or justified, or obligations, or blah blah blah. i don't want to hear excuses anymore. from me or anyone else. i don't understand why some things are said. just to be nice? just to make themselves feel better? to look like a fool. if i told someone that i wanted to be with them, i would mean it. you can't say that and just 'be nice'. more lies. who gains with these lies? i suspect they serve to make me feel guilty. well those lies that are directed towards me. it's all bullshit. all bullshit. but now it's done. it has been laid to rest finally...although it wouldn't seem so with some of the bitterness that remains. i don't want to understand anymore, i just want to let go.
it's so funny when you think of how things work out. that car accident that happened in front of me. the old woman in the nice car, the accident her fault. she walks away unscathed. the young black girl who was just fucking driving the speed limit, piece of shit car, screaming about her neck. old woman oblivious. that is life, that is how it seems to work out. that is how it seems to be working out with me. evil lurks in the hearts of the most beautiful sometimes.
you never forget when you are treated inhumanely. never.
in spite of the pain, i press on, quite happy actually. i am hopeful of things working out with someone because i have never seen this look before in another girl's eyes when i am talking to her, making her laugh is like birth or some shit...and since that moment in the park i have not stopped thinking about her.
ahh that time, that place...when i close my eyes i can still feel the rain running into my ears, my shirt sticking to my body. not a single turtle in turtle pond. what i would give to exist in that moment forever. what is meant to be?
i'm done.
goodbye.
louie