Friday's Chicken: on time for once!
And back after me falling off the chickening wagon. As always thanks to Havi for the inspiration. The point is weekly reflection on what was good and what was hard. Assess and reflect, then let go and move on to thinking about the week ahead!
First up, The Hard
* Studying inflexibility
I'm external for a reason, partly because I work full time. Setting rigid weekly timeframes around using an additional online application is asking a lot. Especially when they're in business hours. Have flagged the difficulty and will just keep working the best I can. But currently means that I'm constantly stressed about being behind already and need to be ahead just to actually be keeping up, aka, not ahead at all.
* Work
My contract ends on the 16th and can't be extended (TSA will finish with Chevron at that point). Am sad because it's convenient and well paid, even if the work has been mind numbingly boring. I'm going to approach one of the other managers about short term contract work. But I expect that finding something will be possible. If not here, then Melbourne and I'll move sooner than expected. But still after Easter. Though, it's not ideal. For many reasons.
* Moving flail
So... I'm looking forward to it and wanting it so much, but I'm feeling a bit chicken/egg about it with regard to organisation and preparation. I think that no matter which way I break it down I need to sort the job aspect of it first, since savings of the 3 months living expense variety don't look likely at this point.
* Hotel room lack
I'd love a hotel room for Swancon, but given the likelihood that I'll be unemployed over Swancon it's looking less and less likely. I could still afford to go half with someone, but I'm feeling like there's only a few particular people I'd enjoy a sharing experience with. Something may or may not work out there but I'm not relying on it. My other plan is to ask a friend if I may houseit for her. *note to self, send that email*
* Disillusionment
I've been struggling with disillusionment over Swancon and fandom in general. I'm hoping that if I immerse myself in some of the things I enjoy and which I feel bring to the fore positivity that I might move out of this space. But it's been gradually getting worse in the past couple of years. Some of it has been the way people lash out around the safe spaces panel. I'm not talking about people who have a disagreement or a lack of interest in it. But there's been some unkind and inappropriate lashing out that is in large part, misunderstanding (and/or) proving) the point.
Then there's awards. I haven't been able to stomach nominating/voting in them since I convened the Ditmars and Tin Ducks in 2008. (Note: this was before the Ditmar committee was up and running so I was largely on my own save support from a couple of people who'd been there before. It really is true that running them makes you cry.) I mostly don't even attend awards, though I'm sometimes incredibly pleased with the results. I do attend the Mumfan because it is dear to my heart. But the only way I can attend/take pleasure in the results is to not be involved at all. I'm still feeling this way 4 years later. Not expecting it to change after the extraordinary surge of plain nastyness last year around award results. (And I hope all those who were so horrible are eating crow after seeing the well deserved things go on to win other awards). *breathes* Oh yes, just thinking about it is enough to make me *fist shaky* again.
I also am never of the experience that I'm fannish enough. I love lots of stuff. I'm fannish about lots of stuff. I'm geeky and in lots of ways. But not in ways that I feel confident (generally speaking) in nominating for panels over, or speaking with any kind of expertise/experience. Much of what I can say, there are many others better qualified to talk about it. The stuff I *do* feel qualified to discuss is largely not brought up in the context of genre stuff. Cultural constructions, post modernism, communication, relationships, emotional navigation, social justice and pursuit of equality. I don't really find enough time to link them strongly enough to a genre element for discussion. Maybe though, that's lack of experience in doing that kind of thing. Maybe it can be learned.
That said, I am doing panels this year, I am looking forward to the convention, but it's required a specific intention toward excitement and pleasure for the energy to kick in. Hoping it's awesome enough that it renews my experience.
* Time, not enough of it.
So much to do! I'm getting through so much, and yet so much remains to be done. It's hard to feel like I'm accomplishing anything. I kind of wish that one of the boys was more often available and inclined to offer to do 'taking care of' things that would mean less doing it all for myself. In some ways, my move to Melbourne will make that a little simpler if only in a sense-making kind of way internally since it reflects in large part the reality unless I signal specifically that I need X or Y, or that I'm specifically not coping and need help.
Missing the quality time I spend with people, and as I'm starting to plan moving, I want to do as much of it as I can. But the study load I'm carrying prohibits this in large part - it's just intense enough that I'm finding myself doing study *every* day and given I don't drive it does cut down my flexibility at that point. Oh flexibility. I miss you. I value you *so* highly.
* Sleep
Not getting enough of it, not enough at a good quality. Just not getting into deep sleep somehow. I'm almost dreaming and I woke the other night completely disassociated and needed to wake K to help me ground and go back to sleep. Thankfully the heat at night time hasn't been oppressive enough to contribute too badly to this.
* Pain
Body is rebellious and hurty. I've been increasing quite significantly my incidental walking, and I'm pleased about this, as walking places is part of my Ordinary and I value it. But standing to cook dinner results in significant pain that has me hobbling for the rest of the night and waking to hobble the next morning too for a couple of hours. Massage is continuing to assist, but have plans to also visit dentist and podiatrist (again) when I have more stable funds. (And a full 12 months on my health insurance).
* Missingness of physicality, sensuality, sexual intimacy
In spending time in Melbourne, and getting so much of what I needed there I am in a space of noticing the lack of this kind of energy in my Perth-Ordinary. Mostly because the balance of relationships isn't right. Between the two people I'm involved with here, they are both *amazing* and I have immense love and value in them and our relationships. But neither quite give me enough of what I need, so I'm constantly just a bit hungry for it. Getting it reminds me of this even as it gives me the fulfilment of sharing in the kind of exchange and energy that I'm hungry for. The lack also interferes in my ability to explore some identity stuff in terms of my sexuality which sometimes is more of an issue than others. But again, Melbourne helped a bunch of that along too... I'm now missing the ease with which there is a lot of this in Melbourne.
Wow. There was more hard than I realised. Some of it has bled over from the previous week, but it's still relevant and that will be true of the good too. Speaking of which...
The Good
* Being back at study!
Loving the fact that I get to learn again, read and discuss stuff and that at the end of the year I'll have my Undergarduate Degree!! I can then consider Postgrad options. The units I'm doing, though full on, are very interesting and I find that I've got a lot to say about the subjects they're pursuing. Tutor and unit coordinator is intrigued (in a good way) about my audience research proposal, which makes me happy. I'm also loving that I'll get to conduct original research for the first time - and even though it's in a very hand-held kind of way and just an introduction, I'm still really excited. It still counts, right?
* Working in the city...
Regardless of what I spend 8 hours doing, I'm loving being back in the city.
* PIAF...
Awesome performances, I got to see them! I'll blog about them at some point in more detail. But it was wonderful just to be able to go out and see some of the incredibly artistic things that people have created. In particular I loved the Brazillian swagger-ballet that I saw with
flyingblogspot.
* Roxette...
See previously squeeful blogpost about how much of a quintessential life experience of pure unadulterated joy for me.
* Quality time...
Dinner with
flyingblogspot all to myself before we went to the Brazillian swagger-ballet. Wonderfulness! So much to share with each other - it's rare we get to pay such concentrated time on one another and we always revel in it.
* Book of Me progress...
Sat down with
callistra on Monday night and did some work on my Book of Me, while she did other work. Both our work specifically engaged in self-knowingness and self-care and love. Lots of joy and pleasure in each other's discoveries and also challenging each other where necessary.
* Cooking...
Cooked a dish based on what Calli served for dinner on Monday night. Tried a couple of things with it that we'd wondered, but I feel her version was better, though mine was still very good. Very intense and dark/deep richness that some people find difficult. Reminded me a little of Diniguan from Filipino cuisine. I also cooked myself lunch for most of the days this week which I'm decidedly proud of myself for. Breakfast on the other hand... let's not speak of it. I miss MS's breakfasts. *poutystompyfoot*
* Joy and blushy feelings!
Delight experienced from person whom I met in Melbs most recently. Oh flirting, I love you so! Loving the exchange of communication. I'm usually the sender of long messages, and this time it would seem I'm not the only one. Truly the easiest way to my heart is to communicate with me somehow.
* Swancon excitement!
So I *am* starting to get excited about Swancon. And I'm going to be on a bunch of panels, including the one I do every year with
tommmo and
original_nihlson on the movies of the past year. As usual looking at the list of films covered (and expected to cover between now and the con) by Tommo is large and awesome!
So as usual I have homework. Yesterday while sick I watched 'In Time' and 'Spy Kids 4'. Both of which I enjoyed for different reasons. You'll have to wait till the con for more :) Am also trying to do a panel on the Australian Women Writer's Challenge, but am a bit low on panellists. Hoping that I get lucky that it all just comes together in this regard. I'm also doing a Lost Girl panel with
amarillion and
helgathevikingqueen. There may be another one but haven't confirmed anything about it yet. I also can't wait to see my dear friend Marianne - it'll be the first time we catch up this year and wonderful for that. It is always such a joy.
* Blogging...
2 posts I'm particularly pleased with were featured in the most recent DUFC and it makes me pleased that rather than attacking or interrogating *issues* of feminism and equality, I can also talk specifically around and with a great deal of meta/theory etc around the just *living* aspect and the self examination and compromise. I don't need to make an external commentary, there's enough for me to say that is about how I'm being intentional and putting the kind of energy into the world that I want to generate more of.
* International Women's Day breakfast...
Sally Sara who is has been a war correspondent in Afghanistan was the speaker this morning and she was *amazing*. Loved being in a room with over 1000 women all celebrating/acknowledging the day and achievements and work yet to come in some way.
* Surprise icecream...
A friend knew I'd been unwell and had called K to find out what might help, then turned up with ice cream. Felt very loved.
* Friends...
Just enough friends and social time to help me feel connected. Also enough of this helps me to get the hell on with my study. So *win* there too!
* Renewal...
Oh Renewal as this year's theme has well and truly kicked into gear while I was in Melbourne. I'll post about this more specifically as a check in post for that. But I can at tell you and emphasise with great glee that I'm done with feeling 'too intense, too much, too scary'. While I was in Melbourne there was an experience where it (finally) hit illogical - it no longer made sense. I was just *me* in the fullness of that expression and not too anything.
Instead... I got to be myself, and be amazing. It's heady and after intently working through this for the past year and then some, also recognising that it's been part of my emotional and mental landscape for most of my life. I'm just so overjoyed to be done with this. I'm feeling *so* renewed, so much more myself than I've felt for a year or two. So unbelievably wonderful and welcome. So far, this year is teaching me and giving me so much, and much of it joyful learning and growing. Even the painful is far less intense than it has been over past years.
Okay, that's about where I'm at. Here's to Friday and the weekend. (Lots of study and tiny amounts of socialisation for me).
This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/841395.html
First up, The Hard
* Studying inflexibility
I'm external for a reason, partly because I work full time. Setting rigid weekly timeframes around using an additional online application is asking a lot. Especially when they're in business hours. Have flagged the difficulty and will just keep working the best I can. But currently means that I'm constantly stressed about being behind already and need to be ahead just to actually be keeping up, aka, not ahead at all.
* Work
My contract ends on the 16th and can't be extended (TSA will finish with Chevron at that point). Am sad because it's convenient and well paid, even if the work has been mind numbingly boring. I'm going to approach one of the other managers about short term contract work. But I expect that finding something will be possible. If not here, then Melbourne and I'll move sooner than expected. But still after Easter. Though, it's not ideal. For many reasons.
* Moving flail
So... I'm looking forward to it and wanting it so much, but I'm feeling a bit chicken/egg about it with regard to organisation and preparation. I think that no matter which way I break it down I need to sort the job aspect of it first, since savings of the 3 months living expense variety don't look likely at this point.
* Hotel room lack
I'd love a hotel room for Swancon, but given the likelihood that I'll be unemployed over Swancon it's looking less and less likely. I could still afford to go half with someone, but I'm feeling like there's only a few particular people I'd enjoy a sharing experience with. Something may or may not work out there but I'm not relying on it. My other plan is to ask a friend if I may houseit for her. *note to self, send that email*
* Disillusionment
I've been struggling with disillusionment over Swancon and fandom in general. I'm hoping that if I immerse myself in some of the things I enjoy and which I feel bring to the fore positivity that I might move out of this space. But it's been gradually getting worse in the past couple of years. Some of it has been the way people lash out around the safe spaces panel. I'm not talking about people who have a disagreement or a lack of interest in it. But there's been some unkind and inappropriate lashing out that is in large part, misunderstanding (and/or) proving) the point.
Then there's awards. I haven't been able to stomach nominating/voting in them since I convened the Ditmars and Tin Ducks in 2008. (Note: this was before the Ditmar committee was up and running so I was largely on my own save support from a couple of people who'd been there before. It really is true that running them makes you cry.) I mostly don't even attend awards, though I'm sometimes incredibly pleased with the results. I do attend the Mumfan because it is dear to my heart. But the only way I can attend/take pleasure in the results is to not be involved at all. I'm still feeling this way 4 years later. Not expecting it to change after the extraordinary surge of plain nastyness last year around award results. (And I hope all those who were so horrible are eating crow after seeing the well deserved things go on to win other awards). *breathes* Oh yes, just thinking about it is enough to make me *fist shaky* again.
I also am never of the experience that I'm fannish enough. I love lots of stuff. I'm fannish about lots of stuff. I'm geeky and in lots of ways. But not in ways that I feel confident (generally speaking) in nominating for panels over, or speaking with any kind of expertise/experience. Much of what I can say, there are many others better qualified to talk about it. The stuff I *do* feel qualified to discuss is largely not brought up in the context of genre stuff. Cultural constructions, post modernism, communication, relationships, emotional navigation, social justice and pursuit of equality. I don't really find enough time to link them strongly enough to a genre element for discussion. Maybe though, that's lack of experience in doing that kind of thing. Maybe it can be learned.
That said, I am doing panels this year, I am looking forward to the convention, but it's required a specific intention toward excitement and pleasure for the energy to kick in. Hoping it's awesome enough that it renews my experience.
* Time, not enough of it.
So much to do! I'm getting through so much, and yet so much remains to be done. It's hard to feel like I'm accomplishing anything. I kind of wish that one of the boys was more often available and inclined to offer to do 'taking care of' things that would mean less doing it all for myself. In some ways, my move to Melbourne will make that a little simpler if only in a sense-making kind of way internally since it reflects in large part the reality unless I signal specifically that I need X or Y, or that I'm specifically not coping and need help.
Missing the quality time I spend with people, and as I'm starting to plan moving, I want to do as much of it as I can. But the study load I'm carrying prohibits this in large part - it's just intense enough that I'm finding myself doing study *every* day and given I don't drive it does cut down my flexibility at that point. Oh flexibility. I miss you. I value you *so* highly.
* Sleep
Not getting enough of it, not enough at a good quality. Just not getting into deep sleep somehow. I'm almost dreaming and I woke the other night completely disassociated and needed to wake K to help me ground and go back to sleep. Thankfully the heat at night time hasn't been oppressive enough to contribute too badly to this.
* Pain
Body is rebellious and hurty. I've been increasing quite significantly my incidental walking, and I'm pleased about this, as walking places is part of my Ordinary and I value it. But standing to cook dinner results in significant pain that has me hobbling for the rest of the night and waking to hobble the next morning too for a couple of hours. Massage is continuing to assist, but have plans to also visit dentist and podiatrist (again) when I have more stable funds. (And a full 12 months on my health insurance).
* Missingness of physicality, sensuality, sexual intimacy
In spending time in Melbourne, and getting so much of what I needed there I am in a space of noticing the lack of this kind of energy in my Perth-Ordinary. Mostly because the balance of relationships isn't right. Between the two people I'm involved with here, they are both *amazing* and I have immense love and value in them and our relationships. But neither quite give me enough of what I need, so I'm constantly just a bit hungry for it. Getting it reminds me of this even as it gives me the fulfilment of sharing in the kind of exchange and energy that I'm hungry for. The lack also interferes in my ability to explore some identity stuff in terms of my sexuality which sometimes is more of an issue than others. But again, Melbourne helped a bunch of that along too... I'm now missing the ease with which there is a lot of this in Melbourne.
Wow. There was more hard than I realised. Some of it has bled over from the previous week, but it's still relevant and that will be true of the good too. Speaking of which...
The Good
* Being back at study!
Loving the fact that I get to learn again, read and discuss stuff and that at the end of the year I'll have my Undergarduate Degree!! I can then consider Postgrad options. The units I'm doing, though full on, are very interesting and I find that I've got a lot to say about the subjects they're pursuing. Tutor and unit coordinator is intrigued (in a good way) about my audience research proposal, which makes me happy. I'm also loving that I'll get to conduct original research for the first time - and even though it's in a very hand-held kind of way and just an introduction, I'm still really excited. It still counts, right?
* Working in the city...
Regardless of what I spend 8 hours doing, I'm loving being back in the city.
* PIAF...
Awesome performances, I got to see them! I'll blog about them at some point in more detail. But it was wonderful just to be able to go out and see some of the incredibly artistic things that people have created. In particular I loved the Brazillian swagger-ballet that I saw with
flyingblogspot.
* Roxette...
See previously squeeful blogpost about how much of a quintessential life experience of pure unadulterated joy for me.
* Quality time...
Dinner with
flyingblogspot all to myself before we went to the Brazillian swagger-ballet. Wonderfulness! So much to share with each other - it's rare we get to pay such concentrated time on one another and we always revel in it.
* Book of Me progress...
Sat down with
callistra on Monday night and did some work on my Book of Me, while she did other work. Both our work specifically engaged in self-knowingness and self-care and love. Lots of joy and pleasure in each other's discoveries and also challenging each other where necessary.
* Cooking...
Cooked a dish based on what Calli served for dinner on Monday night. Tried a couple of things with it that we'd wondered, but I feel her version was better, though mine was still very good. Very intense and dark/deep richness that some people find difficult. Reminded me a little of Diniguan from Filipino cuisine. I also cooked myself lunch for most of the days this week which I'm decidedly proud of myself for. Breakfast on the other hand... let's not speak of it. I miss MS's breakfasts. *poutystompyfoot*
* Joy and blushy feelings!
Delight experienced from person whom I met in Melbs most recently. Oh flirting, I love you so! Loving the exchange of communication. I'm usually the sender of long messages, and this time it would seem I'm not the only one. Truly the easiest way to my heart is to communicate with me somehow.
* Swancon excitement!
So I *am* starting to get excited about Swancon. And I'm going to be on a bunch of panels, including the one I do every year with
tommmo and
original_nihlson on the movies of the past year. As usual looking at the list of films covered (and expected to cover between now and the con) by Tommo is large and awesome!
So as usual I have homework. Yesterday while sick I watched 'In Time' and 'Spy Kids 4'. Both of which I enjoyed for different reasons. You'll have to wait till the con for more :) Am also trying to do a panel on the Australian Women Writer's Challenge, but am a bit low on panellists. Hoping that I get lucky that it all just comes together in this regard. I'm also doing a Lost Girl panel with
amarillion and
helgathevikingqueen. There may be another one but haven't confirmed anything about it yet. I also can't wait to see my dear friend Marianne - it'll be the first time we catch up this year and wonderful for that. It is always such a joy.
* Blogging...
2 posts I'm particularly pleased with were featured in the most recent DUFC and it makes me pleased that rather than attacking or interrogating *issues* of feminism and equality, I can also talk specifically around and with a great deal of meta/theory etc around the just *living* aspect and the self examination and compromise. I don't need to make an external commentary, there's enough for me to say that is about how I'm being intentional and putting the kind of energy into the world that I want to generate more of.
* International Women's Day breakfast...
Sally Sara who is has been a war correspondent in Afghanistan was the speaker this morning and she was *amazing*. Loved being in a room with over 1000 women all celebrating/acknowledging the day and achievements and work yet to come in some way.
* Surprise icecream...
A friend knew I'd been unwell and had called K to find out what might help, then turned up with ice cream. Felt very loved.
* Friends...
Just enough friends and social time to help me feel connected. Also enough of this helps me to get the hell on with my study. So *win* there too!
* Renewal...
Oh Renewal as this year's theme has well and truly kicked into gear while I was in Melbourne. I'll post about this more specifically as a check in post for that. But I can at tell you and emphasise with great glee that I'm done with feeling 'too intense, too much, too scary'. While I was in Melbourne there was an experience where it (finally) hit illogical - it no longer made sense. I was just *me* in the fullness of that expression and not too anything.
Instead... I got to be myself, and be amazing. It's heady and after intently working through this for the past year and then some, also recognising that it's been part of my emotional and mental landscape for most of my life. I'm just so overjoyed to be done with this. I'm feeling *so* renewed, so much more myself than I've felt for a year or two. So unbelievably wonderful and welcome. So far, this year is teaching me and giving me so much, and much of it joyful learning and growing. Even the painful is far less intense than it has been over past years.
Okay, that's about where I'm at. Here's to Friday and the weekend. (Lots of study and tiny amounts of socialisation for me).
This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/841395.html