Juxtapose sadness with love.
This wasn't the first part of my evening, but it did wholely make a difference.
Curled up with ascetic_hedony and there was that sense of being 'home' which is neither the wrong nor right word, but it was just wonderful. I was loved and there was much needed sharing of energy. We were playful and plotty and evil at moments, there was laughter and stress relief... and joy. Because I am loved, because I am celebrated. Because this is mutual and it is unquestioned. I am lucky. I am grateful. I am smiling and peaceful.
Facets of the world make me sad, hence the juxtaposition. There is some belief in the google group discussion, that fans don't care about the ditmars. In all likelihood I could be pressed to see truth in the argument, but part of me wants to wave my hands and say "I'm a fan, I am here, I care!" So when it coomes to those things in the midst of this process of fixing and discussing and working through things. It's truly working, and the discussion is almost entirely productive, supportive and moving forward - peoples reasons are considered, nothing is taken for granted, information is provided on request. So, I feel like my goal of achieving a state of betterness for the person to next administer these awards...
I am saddened by the fact that it is probable that any prospect of my own eligibility for what I specialise in, what I'm good at, what I love, and the medium in which I create my art, tell my story and share my inspiration in... will not continue to be eligible. I can see the pragmatic argument, but honestly it doesn't make me less sad. I have just as much right to aspire to awards that recognise excellence, and to aspire to them for many reasons, up to and including but not limited to, improving my possibilities for my chosen career. This does not make me a bad person. I LOVE this community - with all my heart and soul, I am passionate about it and I put a lot of effort in because I wish to give back to the place/people who have given me so much. I want others to experience it and be uplifted by it, inspired by it and feel loved by it. I do it for the fun - because I enjoy doing the stuff I do. But aspiring to being recognised by my peers as creating something of 'excellence' doesn't make me a bad person.
There are awards and things that recognise fan works - but those kind of awards are... in my mind special, and not ones that I would want to aspire to. We're talking on that level, the Mumfan and the Chandler - things like that and I wholeheartedly believe that aspiring to the award is doing things for the wrong reasons... unlike aspiring to living up to that ideal, that makes perfect sense to me. I've aspired to be like Calli for years... I'll always feel I have a lot to learn.
I want to aspire to an award that is for me doing what I do with excellence, in such a way that I can use it as demonstratable evidence of my skill, experience and dedication to my career.
Though really right now, it's all about the love. Truly the greatest gift, to love and be loved - and to trust in this.
I don't quite feel like the night has ended - it's a little strange, as it really has. But I have the desire to be out in the middle of nature, away from electronics and lights, just with the stars and the breeze, ascetic_hedony and conversation, purry cuddles, energy, dreaming and phillosophy... and yet....
The seductive beast named 'sleep'... how tempting and soothing the creature.
Curled up with ascetic_hedony and there was that sense of being 'home' which is neither the wrong nor right word, but it was just wonderful. I was loved and there was much needed sharing of energy. We were playful and plotty and evil at moments, there was laughter and stress relief... and joy. Because I am loved, because I am celebrated. Because this is mutual and it is unquestioned. I am lucky. I am grateful. I am smiling and peaceful.
Facets of the world make me sad, hence the juxtaposition. There is some belief in the google group discussion, that fans don't care about the ditmars. In all likelihood I could be pressed to see truth in the argument, but part of me wants to wave my hands and say "I'm a fan, I am here, I care!" So when it coomes to those things in the midst of this process of fixing and discussing and working through things. It's truly working, and the discussion is almost entirely productive, supportive and moving forward - peoples reasons are considered, nothing is taken for granted, information is provided on request. So, I feel like my goal of achieving a state of betterness for the person to next administer these awards...
I am saddened by the fact that it is probable that any prospect of my own eligibility for what I specialise in, what I'm good at, what I love, and the medium in which I create my art, tell my story and share my inspiration in... will not continue to be eligible. I can see the pragmatic argument, but honestly it doesn't make me less sad. I have just as much right to aspire to awards that recognise excellence, and to aspire to them for many reasons, up to and including but not limited to, improving my possibilities for my chosen career. This does not make me a bad person. I LOVE this community - with all my heart and soul, I am passionate about it and I put a lot of effort in because I wish to give back to the place/people who have given me so much. I want others to experience it and be uplifted by it, inspired by it and feel loved by it. I do it for the fun - because I enjoy doing the stuff I do. But aspiring to being recognised by my peers as creating something of 'excellence' doesn't make me a bad person.
There are awards and things that recognise fan works - but those kind of awards are... in my mind special, and not ones that I would want to aspire to. We're talking on that level, the Mumfan and the Chandler - things like that and I wholeheartedly believe that aspiring to the award is doing things for the wrong reasons... unlike aspiring to living up to that ideal, that makes perfect sense to me. I've aspired to be like Calli for years... I'll always feel I have a lot to learn.
I want to aspire to an award that is for me doing what I do with excellence, in such a way that I can use it as demonstratable evidence of my skill, experience and dedication to my career.
Though really right now, it's all about the love. Truly the greatest gift, to love and be loved - and to trust in this.
I don't quite feel like the night has ended - it's a little strange, as it really has. But I have the desire to be out in the middle of nature, away from electronics and lights, just with the stars and the breeze, ascetic_hedony and conversation, purry cuddles, energy, dreaming and phillosophy... and yet....
The seductive beast named 'sleep'... how tempting and soothing the creature.