I'm Leaving My Tits in San Francisco
I faxed the letter from my therapist to Dr. Brownstein's office yesterday from work. I've also E-mailed the patient history form back, along with a picture of my ta-tas. All I'm waiting on now is to make the phone call to set the appointment. The goal is to do it during L's winter break. I don't want to be gone for Xmas, though, so I'm trying to tap dance around that.
I had a mild freak out after the breast picture was taken. It's not so often that I look at my body, and definitely not often that I see naked pictures of myself (read: NEVER). Since Philadelphia/college/even high school, I've gained ten pounds. Part of this is because of the hormones, the body growth etc, and part of this is because I'm a lazy bastard who doesn't eat right (read: American). After seeing the picture, I flipped my shit. I'm worried about how the other parts of my body with work with this subtraction I'm about to make. Mainly, I'm worried that I will be bottle-shaped. So, I've decided that I want to join a gym and to start lifting again. I also want to do cardiovascular work and build my stamina (read: winded during, uh, physical activity).
I was reminded after this little freak out not to get so wrapped up in surgery. There is not a place in my mind that thinks that this is magical fix all, or that all my problems have stemmed from this. There isn't really a part of me that is resentful that this is part of my journey, a pit stop on my path that surely extends past the horizon. On the good days, I remember I'm blessed with this body, not cursed. I am blessed with this perspective that comes with a lot of responsibility and accountability whether you want it to or not. Although, physically, my body and I disagree, I do not hate it the way a person hates their fat thighs, big nose, etc. I do not hate it at all.
Instead, what I really hate are the confines of this gender thing, dictating and demanding something from each of us that, no matter how hard we try, we will fail at one way or another. And in that failure will be ridicule and scorn that will make each of us a little more rigid and defined by standards we did not set. I hate that whether or not I have hormones or surgeries or I don't, I am ruled by these expectations that I did not create for myself. We all are. And I will forever be left wondering, "What if I wasn't made to feel inadequate? Would these extreme measures need to be taken?"
I am not questioning my decision or my convictions; I am questioning the possibility of fluidity with these rubber stamp labels given to each of us out of the womb. If there were to be true fluidity with gender and gender expression, would more people choose not to have surgery or HRT? Would I be one of them if this were true? And these questions are rather pointless at this point in time, because gender roles and rules are very, very real. I am not saying they are right, but no matter who you are, you are ruled by them. If you think I am mistaken, that you are an evolved being that doesn't see gender or does not conform to the gender expectations set before you, you should probably open your eyes and think either about the last time that you broke a gender expectation, or the last time you were criticized when you did. I think that people who say that they are colorblind and that they only see "human" are full of shit, and I think people who think they are beyond gender are full of shit, too. You cannot say you don't see difference and simultaneously benefit from your status within that system. That is offensive and wrong. Conversely, it sucks to be discriminated against and think it's solely because you need to work harder and that it has absolutely nothing to do with your race, gender, sexual orientation/preference, age and on and on and on. It does. Denial ain't just a river.
They're institutions, people. They exist. They influence. They rule. They change. They mirror. They define.
It's an enigma. A conundrum. A quagmire. I don't think I'm breaking any mold or paving any pathway to a new and better gender system. Maybe I've sold out, but I'm just trying to survive here. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, no matter how hard I try... I'm still human.
And for all that radical talk...
I had a mild freak out after the breast picture was taken. It's not so often that I look at my body, and definitely not often that I see naked pictures of myself (read: NEVER). Since Philadelphia/college/even high school, I've gained ten pounds. Part of this is because of the hormones, the body growth etc, and part of this is because I'm a lazy bastard who doesn't eat right (read: American). After seeing the picture, I flipped my shit. I'm worried about how the other parts of my body with work with this subtraction I'm about to make. Mainly, I'm worried that I will be bottle-shaped. So, I've decided that I want to join a gym and to start lifting again. I also want to do cardiovascular work and build my stamina (read: winded during, uh, physical activity).
I was reminded after this little freak out not to get so wrapped up in surgery. There is not a place in my mind that thinks that this is magical fix all, or that all my problems have stemmed from this. There isn't really a part of me that is resentful that this is part of my journey, a pit stop on my path that surely extends past the horizon. On the good days, I remember I'm blessed with this body, not cursed. I am blessed with this perspective that comes with a lot of responsibility and accountability whether you want it to or not. Although, physically, my body and I disagree, I do not hate it the way a person hates their fat thighs, big nose, etc. I do not hate it at all.
Instead, what I really hate are the confines of this gender thing, dictating and demanding something from each of us that, no matter how hard we try, we will fail at one way or another. And in that failure will be ridicule and scorn that will make each of us a little more rigid and defined by standards we did not set. I hate that whether or not I have hormones or surgeries or I don't, I am ruled by these expectations that I did not create for myself. We all are. And I will forever be left wondering, "What if I wasn't made to feel inadequate? Would these extreme measures need to be taken?"
I am not questioning my decision or my convictions; I am questioning the possibility of fluidity with these rubber stamp labels given to each of us out of the womb. If there were to be true fluidity with gender and gender expression, would more people choose not to have surgery or HRT? Would I be one of them if this were true? And these questions are rather pointless at this point in time, because gender roles and rules are very, very real. I am not saying they are right, but no matter who you are, you are ruled by them. If you think I am mistaken, that you are an evolved being that doesn't see gender or does not conform to the gender expectations set before you, you should probably open your eyes and think either about the last time that you broke a gender expectation, or the last time you were criticized when you did. I think that people who say that they are colorblind and that they only see "human" are full of shit, and I think people who think they are beyond gender are full of shit, too. You cannot say you don't see difference and simultaneously benefit from your status within that system. That is offensive and wrong. Conversely, it sucks to be discriminated against and think it's solely because you need to work harder and that it has absolutely nothing to do with your race, gender, sexual orientation/preference, age and on and on and on. It does. Denial ain't just a river.
They're institutions, people. They exist. They influence. They rule. They change. They mirror. They define.
It's an enigma. A conundrum. A quagmire. I don't think I'm breaking any mold or paving any pathway to a new and better gender system. Maybe I've sold out, but I'm just trying to survive here. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, no matter how hard I try... I'm still human.
And for all that radical talk...