A Long and Thought-Filled Entry...
Today my friend Shanna and I picked a name off the "Angel Tree" (a Sub-For-Santa program through the Salvation Army). Shanna picked out a fifteen-year-old boy and we went shopping (her money, not mine) and picked out clothes (pants, shirts, socks) and a skateboard for the teen. I really enjoyed the experiance, mostly because it was my first time going through the Men's Department since I started buying stuff for my transition. There are a lot of things I wouldn't mind going back and buying, I just have to wait until after I pay my rent so I can see how much (or, more realisticly, how little) money I have to spend. There was this shirt set that came with a screened tee, a long-sleeved tee underneath and a beanie. I can't remember how much it was, but I will probably go back and see how much it was later this week. We also bought the kid two pair of jeans, which were $30 total since almost all the guys' jeans were on a BOGO sale. It is a about time for me to buy new jeans, too, because most of mine have holes in the crotch and I really need to throw them out because I can't wear them anymore.
On another subject, I met with my counselor, Joey, today. I came out to her last week after I got out of the hospital. She said I was so confident about everything that I seem really ready to make the transition. I wasn't nearly as confident this week because I keep thinking that if I come out as trans to my friends, they won't like me anymore, my roommate (Wendy) won't want to live with me anymore when she gets off her mission, Kathy would feel awkward around me and about having me stay over at her house, etc. I really think these are unfounded fears, however, since both Wendy and Kathy know I am gay (lesbian) and neither of them give a second thought to it and it certianly doesn't affect our friendship in any significant way.
My friend Shanna (who's strait) goes to a gay club to party and talks openly about sex and sexuality, will probably be the first person I tell. If I don't tell her not to tell anyone, it will probably slip out in group and leave everyone wondering. In a way, that would be an easy way out of having to do the coming out myself, but I want all three of my best friends (Kathy, Wendy and Shanna) to be the first to know before anything is said about it in group. I will probably tell Shanna first, since she is so open and I think it will be easiest. I may ask Joey if she will let Wendy and Kathy come in on a session with her so that she can support me in coming out to them.
As for my family, I will have to wait until after Christmas, which is unfortunate, because if I could tell them all at our family party on Christmas Eve, when everyone is around (they all live in Utah and I live in Idaho, but I go down there for Christmas), it would be especially ideal, but I know my family, and I know they would accuse me of ruining the party--and Christmas--if I made my announcement then. My dad would be especially mad, too, because he is a professional Santa Claus, and he takes the time out every Christmas Eve to do a special Santa party with the family. He would not be forgiving if I "ruin" his party by coming out--even if it's before he even shows up. There would be hell to pay, and I think the relationship I have with my dad would be especially damaged. It's just really hard to get the whole family all together in one place for any reason.
If I announced it on my own birthday, the reaction may be different, but I think that by the time August and my next birthday rolls around, the will already be able to tell something is up with me unless I avoid the family completely until them, which is not something I am willing to do.
I've thought about emailing my parents and coming out in a letter, but I don't know how well that would go over, either. Besides, I want to be there to answer any questions they might have and be as reassuring as possible. My mom outed me as a lesbian when I was 17. She was snooping through my room and found some letters and confronted me about it. She cried and asked me if I thought God made a mistake on me. I told her, "No, God doesn't make mistakes". She cried. I think she was in denial for an awfully long time after that because when I started dating my first girlfriend when I was in my early 20's, she acted shocked and appauled. She also told everyone in the family. And everyone in the extended family found out (well, okay, my mom told them) when I was in a more serious relationship a couple years later.
As for the here and now, I think of God/my Higher Power and I think of my body and the way it is made and I wonder if, just maybe, God might have given me that wrong parts. I believe that if He did give me the body parts that feel so wrong on purpose, then He also must have given me the predisposition to feel wrong about my body and the parts it came with. I know I'm not a factory flaw, since I honestly believe God made me as I am in order to use me as He planned. But since God did give me these parts and these feelings, I can feel no regret or sorrow over what God must be thinking about my desire to have the body of a man. To quote the Bible: "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9 What this scripture means to me is that God knew exactly what He was doing when he made me--and everyone. There is, however, no way for any human being to comprehend completely what God is thinking or what His plan is for each individual.
On another subject, I met with my counselor, Joey, today. I came out to her last week after I got out of the hospital. She said I was so confident about everything that I seem really ready to make the transition. I wasn't nearly as confident this week because I keep thinking that if I come out as trans to my friends, they won't like me anymore, my roommate (Wendy) won't want to live with me anymore when she gets off her mission, Kathy would feel awkward around me and about having me stay over at her house, etc. I really think these are unfounded fears, however, since both Wendy and Kathy know I am gay (lesbian) and neither of them give a second thought to it and it certianly doesn't affect our friendship in any significant way.
My friend Shanna (who's strait) goes to a gay club to party and talks openly about sex and sexuality, will probably be the first person I tell. If I don't tell her not to tell anyone, it will probably slip out in group and leave everyone wondering. In a way, that would be an easy way out of having to do the coming out myself, but I want all three of my best friends (Kathy, Wendy and Shanna) to be the first to know before anything is said about it in group. I will probably tell Shanna first, since she is so open and I think it will be easiest. I may ask Joey if she will let Wendy and Kathy come in on a session with her so that she can support me in coming out to them.
As for my family, I will have to wait until after Christmas, which is unfortunate, because if I could tell them all at our family party on Christmas Eve, when everyone is around (they all live in Utah and I live in Idaho, but I go down there for Christmas), it would be especially ideal, but I know my family, and I know they would accuse me of ruining the party--and Christmas--if I made my announcement then. My dad would be especially mad, too, because he is a professional Santa Claus, and he takes the time out every Christmas Eve to do a special Santa party with the family. He would not be forgiving if I "ruin" his party by coming out--even if it's before he even shows up. There would be hell to pay, and I think the relationship I have with my dad would be especially damaged. It's just really hard to get the whole family all together in one place for any reason.
If I announced it on my own birthday, the reaction may be different, but I think that by the time August and my next birthday rolls around, the will already be able to tell something is up with me unless I avoid the family completely until them, which is not something I am willing to do.
I've thought about emailing my parents and coming out in a letter, but I don't know how well that would go over, either. Besides, I want to be there to answer any questions they might have and be as reassuring as possible. My mom outed me as a lesbian when I was 17. She was snooping through my room and found some letters and confronted me about it. She cried and asked me if I thought God made a mistake on me. I told her, "No, God doesn't make mistakes". She cried. I think she was in denial for an awfully long time after that because when I started dating my first girlfriend when I was in my early 20's, she acted shocked and appauled. She also told everyone in the family. And everyone in the extended family found out (well, okay, my mom told them) when I was in a more serious relationship a couple years later.
As for the here and now, I think of God/my Higher Power and I think of my body and the way it is made and I wonder if, just maybe, God might have given me that wrong parts. I believe that if He did give me the body parts that feel so wrong on purpose, then He also must have given me the predisposition to feel wrong about my body and the parts it came with. I know I'm not a factory flaw, since I honestly believe God made me as I am in order to use me as He planned. But since God did give me these parts and these feelings, I can feel no regret or sorrow over what God must be thinking about my desire to have the body of a man. To quote the Bible: "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9 What this scripture means to me is that God knew exactly what He was doing when he made me--and everyone. There is, however, no way for any human being to comprehend completely what God is thinking or what His plan is for each individual.