Writing Out My tears
This entry is going to reflect several of my past posts... which seem to be only sad ones. I apologize to anyone who actually reads these things.
I am unhappy about my age. I feel like I am too old at 30 to become/do anything great. I am trying to get known as a cosplayer. I don't have the money, or the body that ppl expect from a cosplayer. I've been told to wait a year or so until my life is together and get back to cosplaying, but I don't see how this would benefit the effort of me being a cosplayer of note... I feel as if becoming anything of note in this field is rapidly slipping through my fingers. Beauty isn't everything, but I am old enough to see changes in my face and body. Changes I don't like. I want to be proud of my body... and I am not...and adding more time to me isn't going to help anything...
I don't have a career skill, or atleast I haven't been able to capitalize on any skills I do/might have. I'm busting my ass at a job that pays very little, but remains my only (current) source of income. Unfortunately, this overtime won't clear my debt, or get me ahead. At the most, all this work won't even break me at even... cause I need money for all the hobbies which I like to do..( cosplaying, makeup artistry, gaming TWITCH, YouTube, etc..)
As much as I want to do well at my job, and advance, I need money more. I need to find another job...
My heart is broken... and it's been broken for a long time. I've been single as a title since January 2015... and I still want to be with the man that left me. The man who has said things that should have given me the strength to move on, but there is something wrong with me. I've never wanted/loved anyone thing more in my life outside of my family more than my ex...and I still do. I hate the idea that I am being used..or that in truth, none of the time we spend together actually means something... I truly understand how someone can die from grief..
I feel like a person who lost a piece of herself she can't get back, and what was left is loney and lost. I spend alot of time wondering what I am going to do with myself. How am I going to make my mother proud, how I am going to be a sister worth her salt to my siblings.
I want to be proud of myself. I want to like being me. I want to love being me. I want a body that I'm proud of. I want to not hurt so badly anymore. I want to be able to sleep well again.. I don't remember the last time where I consistantly felt good after waking up. I want to be someone to look up to. I want to be better than this...
I am unhappy about my age. I feel like I am too old at 30 to become/do anything great. I am trying to get known as a cosplayer. I don't have the money, or the body that ppl expect from a cosplayer. I've been told to wait a year or so until my life is together and get back to cosplaying, but I don't see how this would benefit the effort of me being a cosplayer of note... I feel as if becoming anything of note in this field is rapidly slipping through my fingers. Beauty isn't everything, but I am old enough to see changes in my face and body. Changes I don't like. I want to be proud of my body... and I am not...and adding more time to me isn't going to help anything...
I don't have a career skill, or atleast I haven't been able to capitalize on any skills I do/might have. I'm busting my ass at a job that pays very little, but remains my only (current) source of income. Unfortunately, this overtime won't clear my debt, or get me ahead. At the most, all this work won't even break me at even... cause I need money for all the hobbies which I like to do..( cosplaying, makeup artistry, gaming TWITCH, YouTube, etc..)
As much as I want to do well at my job, and advance, I need money more. I need to find another job...
My heart is broken... and it's been broken for a long time. I've been single as a title since January 2015... and I still want to be with the man that left me. The man who has said things that should have given me the strength to move on, but there is something wrong with me. I've never wanted/loved anyone thing more in my life outside of my family more than my ex...and I still do. I hate the idea that I am being used..or that in truth, none of the time we spend together actually means something... I truly understand how someone can die from grief..
I feel like a person who lost a piece of herself she can't get back, and what was left is loney and lost. I spend alot of time wondering what I am going to do with myself. How am I going to make my mother proud, how I am going to be a sister worth her salt to my siblings.
I want to be proud of myself. I want to like being me. I want to love being me. I want a body that I'm proud of. I want to not hurt so badly anymore. I want to be able to sleep well again.. I don't remember the last time where I consistantly felt good after waking up. I want to be someone to look up to. I want to be better than this...