2015
Looks like I only post once a year now, and I made note that both 2014 an 2013 entries were fuled by some misfortune between Battle and myself. 2013 fights were rare, but every relationship has them. After our anniversary May 28th 0f 2014 things started to really changed. Needless to say, the update is that the inevitable has happened. He left me late January of this year, 2015. This whole year has been ups and downs. Living as an estranged friend to a lover with no title, to a side chick and back to a friend with benefits. The last few weeks have been good, however I know it doesn't matter. That's what hurts so much. I am in denial. I believe that he loves me as much as I do, and I find every small thing that he does to bolster that sentiment.
I don't know if it's honestly true. I do know that he is talking to other girls, and it looks like the next step is soon to come, and he'll be taken again. This time around, I doubt there will be an attempt to be "friends" or "talk". He told me specifically that we can't talk seeing how being around me while he is with someone can lead down the right path.
I honestly have never been more miserable in my life. I want this year to be over so badly, but I have no idea what the next year will bring. I need to wake up and realize that I'm not enough. That he needs to know what life is really like without me... he hasn't known what it's felt like since we were courting in 2011....
but I don't want him to forget me, I don't want my love to be for nothing..... I'm scared that all I am is a chapter in his book. One that's ended and meant nothing....that I'm the only one in pain....that he's laughing behind my back at the girl foolish enough to give him everything for free... I am in so much pain.
God help me...
I believed him, I believed in him that we were going to grow and be together, and learn how to take over the world. He even tells me now to have faith, but faith in what???
I don't know how to stay away, to walk away... this double edge blade that hurts either way... I walk away, I find out for sure whether I can find something else, peace or atleast coping, that I won't miss him so much that I run back when I can't take it anymore, when I just want to hold him and breathe him in.... or stay in this endless loop and write a death sentence on what possible hope of a future relationship that remains.....
Nothing helps... I want to feel better, but I don't want to stop loving him, or caring for him. I like loving him, even though trying to be with him seems to only make it hurt more when the reality comes crashing down on me when it's time to leave him.
I am supposed to be better than this. I am supposed to be getting my life back and cope with my loss...
It's true when they say love can kill you... I'm dying if not already dead inside.
It hurts to breathe... sobbing through this whole post, and this post will sit here until I decide to post again in 2016.
I don't know if it's honestly true. I do know that he is talking to other girls, and it looks like the next step is soon to come, and he'll be taken again. This time around, I doubt there will be an attempt to be "friends" or "talk". He told me specifically that we can't talk seeing how being around me while he is with someone can lead down the right path.
I honestly have never been more miserable in my life. I want this year to be over so badly, but I have no idea what the next year will bring. I need to wake up and realize that I'm not enough. That he needs to know what life is really like without me... he hasn't known what it's felt like since we were courting in 2011....
but I don't want him to forget me, I don't want my love to be for nothing..... I'm scared that all I am is a chapter in his book. One that's ended and meant nothing....that I'm the only one in pain....that he's laughing behind my back at the girl foolish enough to give him everything for free... I am in so much pain.
God help me...
I believed him, I believed in him that we were going to grow and be together, and learn how to take over the world. He even tells me now to have faith, but faith in what???
I don't know how to stay away, to walk away... this double edge blade that hurts either way... I walk away, I find out for sure whether I can find something else, peace or atleast coping, that I won't miss him so much that I run back when I can't take it anymore, when I just want to hold him and breathe him in.... or stay in this endless loop and write a death sentence on what possible hope of a future relationship that remains.....
Nothing helps... I want to feel better, but I don't want to stop loving him, or caring for him. I like loving him, even though trying to be with him seems to only make it hurt more when the reality comes crashing down on me when it's time to leave him.
I am supposed to be better than this. I am supposed to be getting my life back and cope with my loss...
It's true when they say love can kill you... I'm dying if not already dead inside.
It hurts to breathe... sobbing through this whole post, and this post will sit here until I decide to post again in 2016.