(no subject)
It's been a funny old time for me lately. I mentioned before about some life changing problems I have had with my partner of the last nearly 20 years. These problems have had the strangest effect on me. I'm usually someone who writes stuff all the time...just for myself, really...little intersting ( at least to me ) bits and bobs, letters, emails and , sometimes, my Livejournal. The very unexpected side effect of the shock I had and the difficulties we are attempting to overcome is that I am almost unable to write anything at all. I log on to LJ, sit at the PC, read other peoples' post, and...nothing. I cannot seem to bring myself to write a word.
I haven't written a letter, no little observations or feelings-y stuff, and barely an email since the whole thing came to light.
I feel as if I am suspended in an antigravitational space where I just can't seem to get my life or my self back again.I can see it, but I just can't get it. And it's horrible.
Even this is taking a huge amount of effort, and it will probably make no sense to anybody, but I'm trying to force myself to express that I am still here. Somewhere.
My lovely daughter has a full time job in the bank in Kirkwall and has handed in her notice at the Post Office. The Post Office was not the place for her, and she was really unhappy there, so it's good she only has a couple of weeks left before she leaves. I think she might even come home for good after about 6 months. She gets free flights back here as part of her pay package, so that's lovely.
Matthew enjoyed his time working in the Udderbelly at South Bank. He was sharing a flat with two of his friends in a place called Erith, and the house overlooked the Thames, which he loved. He came home and worked at the Udderbelly in Edinburgh during the Festival, which was completely manic. He's had about a week and a half to recover, and now has a trial for the bar of a lovely Edinburgh restaurant called The Dogs.
Joseph will soon be 16, and he is a little lifeline to me. He can always cheer me up, and spends a lot of time just talking to me and being silly with me, just like he always has. He has really helped me through the past few weeks. He's been the normality that I can see but can't reach...but with him, I CAN touch it, if you know what I mean. He is the normality that keeps me going. And he doesn't even know it. He doesn't know the details of what's gone on.
I watched Big Brother tonight and cried all the way through it. Some years I have absolutely adored Big Brother. This year was a good one and it was a little hour of not thinking about much every day for me. The real reason I cried right through it though was because I was thinking about what my life was like when it first started. I had a son who wasn't quite 12, a just-turning-9 year old daugher and a wee five year old boy in the house. I was quite happy, and I felt needed. All of us watched the start of that first show. We were all together.
Tonight, I was all by myself. Kids grow up, and mine have grown up rather well, if I do say so. I'm immensely proud of them. But the house, and the heart, can feel a bit lonely. I long to sit them all back on my knee and, happily, they would willingly oblige...they're a cuddly lot. So it was really the ten years of us I was crying for.
I am worried that this post seems really self-idulgent. I don't mean it to be. I'm just trying to force myself into happy old habits.
I haven't written a letter, no little observations or feelings-y stuff, and barely an email since the whole thing came to light.
I feel as if I am suspended in an antigravitational space where I just can't seem to get my life or my self back again.I can see it, but I just can't get it. And it's horrible.
Even this is taking a huge amount of effort, and it will probably make no sense to anybody, but I'm trying to force myself to express that I am still here. Somewhere.
My lovely daughter has a full time job in the bank in Kirkwall and has handed in her notice at the Post Office. The Post Office was not the place for her, and she was really unhappy there, so it's good she only has a couple of weeks left before she leaves. I think she might even come home for good after about 6 months. She gets free flights back here as part of her pay package, so that's lovely.
Matthew enjoyed his time working in the Udderbelly at South Bank. He was sharing a flat with two of his friends in a place called Erith, and the house overlooked the Thames, which he loved. He came home and worked at the Udderbelly in Edinburgh during the Festival, which was completely manic. He's had about a week and a half to recover, and now has a trial for the bar of a lovely Edinburgh restaurant called The Dogs.
Joseph will soon be 16, and he is a little lifeline to me. He can always cheer me up, and spends a lot of time just talking to me and being silly with me, just like he always has. He has really helped me through the past few weeks. He's been the normality that I can see but can't reach...but with him, I CAN touch it, if you know what I mean. He is the normality that keeps me going. And he doesn't even know it. He doesn't know the details of what's gone on.
I watched Big Brother tonight and cried all the way through it. Some years I have absolutely adored Big Brother. This year was a good one and it was a little hour of not thinking about much every day for me. The real reason I cried right through it though was because I was thinking about what my life was like when it first started. I had a son who wasn't quite 12, a just-turning-9 year old daugher and a wee five year old boy in the house. I was quite happy, and I felt needed. All of us watched the start of that first show. We were all together.
Tonight, I was all by myself. Kids grow up, and mine have grown up rather well, if I do say so. I'm immensely proud of them. But the house, and the heart, can feel a bit lonely. I long to sit them all back on my knee and, happily, they would willingly oblige...they're a cuddly lot. So it was really the ten years of us I was crying for.
I am worried that this post seems really self-idulgent. I don't mean it to be. I'm just trying to force myself into happy old habits.