The Obligatory Pirates of the Carribean Post
On the whole, PotC is flashy, bright, loud with a couple amazing action sequences. It's everything I want in a summer blockbuster. It's fluffy fun. Except, it's one of those movies that falls apart the moment you start thinking about it.
And all I can say is - why the fuck didn't anybody *warn* me?
I like to think of myself as keeping up on the pop-culture tip but, admittedly, I'm not a spoiler ho. So, I didn't lurk on any PotC threads/discussions. Still, I'd seen the previews and kept thinking to myself 'they're not gonna do what I think they're gonna do, right? They're gonna take this archaic stereotype of cannibals and turn it on it's head or something, right?'. And then, to sit there squirming in my seat because I realized 'nope, none of the above'. And don't get me started on the 'after credits scene'. I just..I want to Zizou head-butt someone over that crap.
Maybe I would have given it a buy if it had ended there. But, oh no, you get the racist and stereotypical trifecta of cannibals, the "evil" people of color crew who die a horrible, painful death while the noble white pirates go on to save Jack (because, it should be noted, they had the audacity to want to be paid) and, finally, the Mystical Magical Negro who's sole purpose is to help whitey save the day with her sage and mystical knowledge. *end eyeroll* And what the Hell was with all the black people in the water mourning Jack? *Ugh!!*
My *second* biggest complaint is the length, which is also one of my beefs with the first one. Two hours and thirty minutes, for a fucking action-adventure comedy!?! For God's sake people, it's a movie about Pirates *not* Schindler's List. And considering the insultingly racist cannibals sequence that went on for way too fucking long, could of and SHOULD HAVE been cut, there is absolutely no reason for this movie to have been that friggin' long.
It's a two and a half hour movie that drags endlessly because there's no dramatic tension whatsoever. It's all set-up for the sequel. It's not that I didn't doubt the main three would survive, it's that *none* of them were ever in any danger in the first place. For example -
Will and Elizabeth are arrested and threatened with death. Bellamy gives Will a mission - get the compass from Jack and he'll free Elizabeth. Okay, fine, there's an axe swinging over Elizabeth's head and Will needs to save her. Except, 20 minutes later, Elizabeth is freed by her father, goes to Bellamy who then gives Elizabeth...the same exact mission. Basically meaning, the entire motivation for Will's quest is for naught because Elizabeth is already free!! Whatever clock is ticking over his head is now gone and, if not for the fact that Will has no idea Elizabeth's free, could end his mission right then and there.
Then, Will gets stuck on Davey Jones boat. Okay, good. Does this mean there's a plot to save Will? Nope, Will escapes. Davey Jones chases and 10 minutes later, Will is presumed dead effectively ending any tension in regards to his safety.
In the interim, there's no one chasing them. There's no one out there who doesn't want them to succeed. So basically, you're just marking time until they find the damn chest. And even then, it's about getting the contents of the chest as opposed to running for their lives.
The only character who has a clock ticking over his head is Jack, but even that dramatic tension is undercut by the four-day deadline he's given by Davy Jones. There's no sense of foreboding, no sense of urgency. It's just bits of random plots between action sequences to move the story forward. Which would have been fine and dandy had the movie NOT been two and a half fucking hours!!
And it sucks because there's a really good movie (Will and his father, Elizabeth, the Krakon, the sword fight in the water wheel, Elizabeth's betrayal of Jack) that's bogged down by too many subplots, too little characterization and completely fucking unnecessary and subtle as a sledgehammer racist content.
Oh, and a final note, I never really found Keira Knightly hot but in this movie she's simply gorgeous. It must've been the sun-soaked skin and pirate wear. But, I also have to say someone in the post-production department went a little overboard with the digitizing because while her skin should appear flawless, it should also have *pores*!!
*sigh* I should have stayed home, saved my money and watched my Murder in Suburbia DVD's!!
And all I can say is - why the fuck didn't anybody *warn* me?
I like to think of myself as keeping up on the pop-culture tip but, admittedly, I'm not a spoiler ho. So, I didn't lurk on any PotC threads/discussions. Still, I'd seen the previews and kept thinking to myself 'they're not gonna do what I think they're gonna do, right? They're gonna take this archaic stereotype of cannibals and turn it on it's head or something, right?'. And then, to sit there squirming in my seat because I realized 'nope, none of the above'. And don't get me started on the 'after credits scene'. I just..I want to Zizou head-butt someone over that crap.
Maybe I would have given it a buy if it had ended there. But, oh no, you get the racist and stereotypical trifecta of cannibals, the "evil" people of color crew who die a horrible, painful death while the noble white pirates go on to save Jack (because, it should be noted, they had the audacity to want to be paid) and, finally, the Mystical Magical Negro who's sole purpose is to help whitey save the day with her sage and mystical knowledge. *end eyeroll* And what the Hell was with all the black people in the water mourning Jack? *Ugh!!*
My *second* biggest complaint is the length, which is also one of my beefs with the first one. Two hours and thirty minutes, for a fucking action-adventure comedy!?! For God's sake people, it's a movie about Pirates *not* Schindler's List. And considering the insultingly racist cannibals sequence that went on for way too fucking long, could of and SHOULD HAVE been cut, there is absolutely no reason for this movie to have been that friggin' long.
It's a two and a half hour movie that drags endlessly because there's no dramatic tension whatsoever. It's all set-up for the sequel. It's not that I didn't doubt the main three would survive, it's that *none* of them were ever in any danger in the first place. For example -
Will and Elizabeth are arrested and threatened with death. Bellamy gives Will a mission - get the compass from Jack and he'll free Elizabeth. Okay, fine, there's an axe swinging over Elizabeth's head and Will needs to save her. Except, 20 minutes later, Elizabeth is freed by her father, goes to Bellamy who then gives Elizabeth...the same exact mission. Basically meaning, the entire motivation for Will's quest is for naught because Elizabeth is already free!! Whatever clock is ticking over his head is now gone and, if not for the fact that Will has no idea Elizabeth's free, could end his mission right then and there.
Then, Will gets stuck on Davey Jones boat. Okay, good. Does this mean there's a plot to save Will? Nope, Will escapes. Davey Jones chases and 10 minutes later, Will is presumed dead effectively ending any tension in regards to his safety.
In the interim, there's no one chasing them. There's no one out there who doesn't want them to succeed. So basically, you're just marking time until they find the damn chest. And even then, it's about getting the contents of the chest as opposed to running for their lives.
The only character who has a clock ticking over his head is Jack, but even that dramatic tension is undercut by the four-day deadline he's given by Davy Jones. There's no sense of foreboding, no sense of urgency. It's just bits of random plots between action sequences to move the story forward. Which would have been fine and dandy had the movie NOT been two and a half fucking hours!!
And it sucks because there's a really good movie (Will and his father, Elizabeth, the Krakon, the sword fight in the water wheel, Elizabeth's betrayal of Jack) that's bogged down by too many subplots, too little characterization and completely fucking unnecessary and subtle as a sledgehammer racist content.
Oh, and a final note, I never really found Keira Knightly hot but in this movie she's simply gorgeous. It must've been the sun-soaked skin and pirate wear. But, I also have to say someone in the post-production department went a little overboard with the digitizing because while her skin should appear flawless, it should also have *pores*!!
*sigh* I should have stayed home, saved my money and watched my Murder in Suburbia DVD's!!