More Movies I've Watched
The one good thing about being unemployed is I have the time to watch a ton of movies. I'd also like to say this - being unemployed during a heat wave with no air conditioning? SUCKS THE BIG ONE!! For me, it's not so much the heat as much as it reduces computer time because I have to keep powering down so the damn thing doesn't overheat!!
Eagle Eye - When I first started watching this my first thought was 'didn't they already make this movie with Will Smith.. why helllooo Rosario Dawson.. in a UNIFORM!!'. Anyway, better than I thought it would be but not good enough to warrant missing actually seeing it in the theater. Is Shia LeBouf's career going to be a nothing but a string of 'reluctant heroes'? His character is like the lovechild of Sam from Transformers and Mutt from The Crystal Skull. I do think the movie kinda blew its wad by revealing the mastermind behind the 'terrorist plot' at the halfway point, taking a lot of the dramatic tension out of overall mystery. But, shit, I didn't pay for it so I'm not going to complain too much. Oh, and for a movie where Shia LeBouf plays a twin, there was some BAD photoshop action going on.
My Bloody Valentine (2008) - That was surprisingly.. good? It has all the elements a good slasher flick should have - a nameless, faceless and nearly indestructible killer, an indiscriminate body count, pointless nudity, allegedly smart people doing incredibly stupid things and a twist ending that's projected from space!!
12 Rounds - Directed by Renny Harlin? Renny effin Harlin? Remember when he was like, heh, the Michael Bay of Hollywood? Talk about how the mighty have fallen. Anyway, onto the movie, uh, it fulfilled my car chases quota but after about the halfway point, it all became mindlessly one-note. Nothing that hasn't been done before and definitely better. If there's one flaw amongst the very many in this movie it's this - nobody pays money (hey, the hi-speed internet connection I paid for to download this movie counts) nobody pays money to see a movie where WWE star John Cena does a bunch of car chase scenes. Heh, that's like asking me to pay money to watch Paul Walker 'act'. The dude's a WWE wrestler. People pay to watch him pile-drive and smack bad guys upside the head with a plank of wood (but only if the plank of wood is a worse actor).. and occasionally doing it shirtless but, then again, John Cera is *no* Hugh Jackman.
Were The World Mine - Yay! This is one of those movies where I wished I'd gone into it 'cold', ie, no trailers, no reviews. This is not the 'new Hedwig and the Angry Inch' or a gay(er) High School Musical and once I started watching and judging it on its own merits as opposed to comparing it to what it isn't, I *really* effin' loved it! A loose re-telling of Shakespeare's "A Mid-Summer Night's Dream", set in an all-boys Catholic school. It's a bit flawed (if you can get through the first ten minutes you're good to go) but I think the parts are greater than the whole.
Drona (2008) - For the love of all that is cinematically sacred DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE!! It is two and a half hours of having your will to live bludgeoned to a bloody pulp. A horrible script that'd fail the admittance test to Screenwriting 101. Made worse by some of the worst directing I've had the displeasure to see. How inept you may ask? Director Goldie Behl tries to cover up the fact that he can't direct a fight scene for shit by staging it IN THE DARK! Lead Abhishek Bachchan is horribly, *horribly* miscast as 'action hero' Drona. Seriously, does this guy actually have a *second* expression? I'd like to say Priyanka Chopra was the best thing about this (she is very pretty) but, sadly, she's required to speak and, well, I'm sure there's a 'Best Phoned In Performance' trophy sitting on one of her shelves somewhere. I'd send a copy of this to every film school in the world as a case-book study on how NOT to make an action movie but I'm totally against TORTURE!
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning - Ugh! The things I do for Jordana Brewster! She's contractually obligated to pay me back for all this, right? Anyway, a weak and pedestrian flick that's typical of what's considered 'horror' in America these days, ie, lots of gore to replace any genuine chills and/or scares. Around the 45 minute mark, I started fast-forwarding just to get it over with. Not so much bad as just plain out and out BORING! Despite being an 'origin story', it adds nothing nor does it bring anything new to the table. And does it in such a slow and pedantic manner, it sucks any and all dramatic tension completely out of the story.
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li - Okay, I knew going in that this was going to be *bad*. What I didn't know was that it would get really gay for no reason whatsoever other than to have Kristen Kreuk get her flirt on with a lesbian!! The real crime of this movie isn't the $50 mil someone scammed Capcom of to make a movie based on an obscure character from a forgotten 80's video game, or that they also convinced those same people that Chris Klein (doing his best - read worst - Mel Gibson/Lethal Weapon impersonation) was ever leading man worthy. No, the biggest crime of this movie is that Kristen Kreuk (playing a character willing to get her lesbian freak on in the name of justice) and Moon Bloodgood (as a bad-ass Bangkok detective with an addiction to tight, revealing clothing.. in the name of justice) NEVER HAVE A SCENE TOGETHER!!
Attack Girls Swim Team vs. The Undead - You know how I'm always talking about starting my own porn production company specializing in lesbian porn movies with car crashes, fight scenes and gun play. For 45 awesome minutes? THIS IS TOTALLY THAT MOVIE!! Honestly, the movie really should be titled 'Japanese Schoolgirl Fetish Softcore Porn Disguised as a Horror-Comedy'. It has all the elements I want in my future porn production company - the taciturn hero with a deep, dark past. The bubbly sidekick that follows the hero around like a lovesick puppy. Random gratuitous nudity. Lesbians. Martial arts and ZOMBIES! And then..
The wheels fall off and the *other* 45 minutes happen and what was a cool, kitschy, horror-comedy derails into something really, *really* creepy to an uncomfortable degree. In which the story about schoolgirls fighting zombies is forgotten so the movie makers can present sexual assault in as titillating a manner as possible, imo, which is impossible. And it's creepy and uncomfortable and, dammit, why does the memo regarding why rape in movies is soo not cool keep getting lost in the mail? It's cheap and lazy writing, that's been done, badly, a billion times before. My stance has always been this - when male characters are threatened with/sexually assaulted in the same number as female characters? I'll stop bitching. Or, you know, just stop putting rape in movies.
So, if you do watch this movie just.. stop after Aki and Sakaya have (really hot) sex. It should be noted, the heroine does kill the villain (I swear I'm not making this up) with a laser in her vagina. Yeah, I didn't quite get that either!
Eagle Eye - When I first started watching this my first thought was 'didn't they already make this movie with Will Smith.. why helllooo Rosario Dawson.. in a UNIFORM!!'. Anyway, better than I thought it would be but not good enough to warrant missing actually seeing it in the theater. Is Shia LeBouf's career going to be a nothing but a string of 'reluctant heroes'? His character is like the lovechild of Sam from Transformers and Mutt from The Crystal Skull. I do think the movie kinda blew its wad by revealing the mastermind behind the 'terrorist plot' at the halfway point, taking a lot of the dramatic tension out of overall mystery. But, shit, I didn't pay for it so I'm not going to complain too much. Oh, and for a movie where Shia LeBouf plays a twin, there was some BAD photoshop action going on.
My Bloody Valentine (2008) - That was surprisingly.. good? It has all the elements a good slasher flick should have - a nameless, faceless and nearly indestructible killer, an indiscriminate body count, pointless nudity, allegedly smart people doing incredibly stupid things and a twist ending that's projected from space!!
12 Rounds - Directed by Renny Harlin? Renny effin Harlin? Remember when he was like, heh, the Michael Bay of Hollywood? Talk about how the mighty have fallen. Anyway, onto the movie, uh, it fulfilled my car chases quota but after about the halfway point, it all became mindlessly one-note. Nothing that hasn't been done before and definitely better. If there's one flaw amongst the very many in this movie it's this - nobody pays money (hey, the hi-speed internet connection I paid for to download this movie counts) nobody pays money to see a movie where WWE star John Cena does a bunch of car chase scenes. Heh, that's like asking me to pay money to watch Paul Walker 'act'. The dude's a WWE wrestler. People pay to watch him pile-drive and smack bad guys upside the head with a plank of wood (but only if the plank of wood is a worse actor).. and occasionally doing it shirtless but, then again, John Cera is *no* Hugh Jackman.
Were The World Mine - Yay! This is one of those movies where I wished I'd gone into it 'cold', ie, no trailers, no reviews. This is not the 'new Hedwig and the Angry Inch' or a gay(er) High School Musical and once I started watching and judging it on its own merits as opposed to comparing it to what it isn't, I *really* effin' loved it! A loose re-telling of Shakespeare's "A Mid-Summer Night's Dream", set in an all-boys Catholic school. It's a bit flawed (if you can get through the first ten minutes you're good to go) but I think the parts are greater than the whole.
Drona (2008) - For the love of all that is cinematically sacred DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE!! It is two and a half hours of having your will to live bludgeoned to a bloody pulp. A horrible script that'd fail the admittance test to Screenwriting 101. Made worse by some of the worst directing I've had the displeasure to see. How inept you may ask? Director Goldie Behl tries to cover up the fact that he can't direct a fight scene for shit by staging it IN THE DARK! Lead Abhishek Bachchan is horribly, *horribly* miscast as 'action hero' Drona. Seriously, does this guy actually have a *second* expression? I'd like to say Priyanka Chopra was the best thing about this (she is very pretty) but, sadly, she's required to speak and, well, I'm sure there's a 'Best Phoned In Performance' trophy sitting on one of her shelves somewhere. I'd send a copy of this to every film school in the world as a case-book study on how NOT to make an action movie but I'm totally against TORTURE!
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning - Ugh! The things I do for Jordana Brewster! She's contractually obligated to pay me back for all this, right? Anyway, a weak and pedestrian flick that's typical of what's considered 'horror' in America these days, ie, lots of gore to replace any genuine chills and/or scares. Around the 45 minute mark, I started fast-forwarding just to get it over with. Not so much bad as just plain out and out BORING! Despite being an 'origin story', it adds nothing nor does it bring anything new to the table. And does it in such a slow and pedantic manner, it sucks any and all dramatic tension completely out of the story.
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li - Okay, I knew going in that this was going to be *bad*. What I didn't know was that it would get really gay for no reason whatsoever other than to have Kristen Kreuk get her flirt on with a lesbian!! The real crime of this movie isn't the $50 mil someone scammed Capcom of to make a movie based on an obscure character from a forgotten 80's video game, or that they also convinced those same people that Chris Klein (doing his best - read worst - Mel Gibson/Lethal Weapon impersonation) was ever leading man worthy. No, the biggest crime of this movie is that Kristen Kreuk (playing a character willing to get her lesbian freak on in the name of justice) and Moon Bloodgood (as a bad-ass Bangkok detective with an addiction to tight, revealing clothing.. in the name of justice) NEVER HAVE A SCENE TOGETHER!!
Attack Girls Swim Team vs. The Undead - You know how I'm always talking about starting my own porn production company specializing in lesbian porn movies with car crashes, fight scenes and gun play. For 45 awesome minutes? THIS IS TOTALLY THAT MOVIE!! Honestly, the movie really should be titled 'Japanese Schoolgirl Fetish Softcore Porn Disguised as a Horror-Comedy'. It has all the elements I want in my future porn production company - the taciturn hero with a deep, dark past. The bubbly sidekick that follows the hero around like a lovesick puppy. Random gratuitous nudity. Lesbians. Martial arts and ZOMBIES! And then..
The wheels fall off and the *other* 45 minutes happen and what was a cool, kitschy, horror-comedy derails into something really, *really* creepy to an uncomfortable degree. In which the story about schoolgirls fighting zombies is forgotten so the movie makers can present sexual assault in as titillating a manner as possible, imo, which is impossible. And it's creepy and uncomfortable and, dammit, why does the memo regarding why rape in movies is soo not cool keep getting lost in the mail? It's cheap and lazy writing, that's been done, badly, a billion times before. My stance has always been this - when male characters are threatened with/sexually assaulted in the same number as female characters? I'll stop bitching. Or, you know, just stop putting rape in movies.
So, if you do watch this movie just.. stop after Aki and Sakaya have (really hot) sex. It should be noted, the heroine does kill the villain (I swear I'm not making this up) with a laser in her vagina. Yeah, I didn't quite get that either!