I'm Scared.
I'm Scared.
I'm going to be honest with you because I don't like to lie to my friends but I'm scared. I'm scared that for the past five years or so might not mean anything and I'll once again have to find a label that I can put down on official paperwork as to why my mental faculties aren't top notch. What am I talking about?
About six years ago, a young lady came into my life and asked if I had Aspergers. It was a little out of the blue and I told her that I didn't think so. At the time I hadn't heard of it and it certainly wasn't on my radar. As a kid I was told I might have ADHD or something from the Autism Spectrum but nothing fit right for them at the time, and when I left school I became my Parents problem to deal with and they got handed back the emotionally charged, social awkward teenager that I was!
Since that day to the day six years ago I have tried to find my label, find out what was wrong with me. Why I couldn't function like every other normal person. I tried counselling, anger management, group therapies! I tried new interests and hobbies to fit myself into the population. None of it worked. Trying new groups, new friends made me ache and made me tired. It made me more emotionally withdrawn and volatile at the same time!
Six years ago I learned about Aspergers and, like everything else, I researched it before jumping to conclusions. I thought I had found my label. Everything fitted nicely and I adapted my life to suit. Changes happened for the positive which led to new roads of self discovery and that leads to the person on the other side of this keyboard that you see today.
But I was never officially given my label and that makes me feel awkward, makes me feel like I am lying every time I bring it up. I do on occasion have to bring it up too. I’ve petitioned my GPs twice in the past. The first I was refused, in lieu of them pursuing my request for counselling regarding my confusion over gender. The second was with my second GP and if you follow my current timeline, well you know he’s an ass with a fear of responsibility and a fist tighter over his budget than Mr Scrooge himself!
Next week I go to my new GP and ask for the third time that I wish to see someone in regards some formal, official diagnosis. I could my mind at rest and not have that fear lurking at the back of my mind that I have somehow misread the situation.
And that’s why I’m scared. I’m scared they’ll say no, you’re mental faculties are nothing to do with Aspergers. Now go away and stop bothering us!
Why is the label so important to me, you ask yourself. Well, then I can put some sort of closure on it. I can close that book and say, yeah that’s wrong with me. I am not some weird deformed freak and I am not alone with my issues. I know I’ve been diagnosed with depression. I display wild acts of OCD on occasion and let’s not get started on the panic/anxiety attacks. I know I’m not “normal” in the conventional sense of the word, though looking about me these days I’m not so sure. But knowing what the issue is that makes me me would help to guide me. We all need to know what makes us and not knowing what makes me, not knowing my catalyst still forever bothers me! And telling myself that I have Aspergers brings me some level of comfort as this is part of why I behave the way I do on occasion. I doesn’t make life any easier, it just makes things a little less stressful!
Thanks for reading if you did!
I'm going to be honest with you because I don't like to lie to my friends but I'm scared. I'm scared that for the past five years or so might not mean anything and I'll once again have to find a label that I can put down on official paperwork as to why my mental faculties aren't top notch. What am I talking about?
About six years ago, a young lady came into my life and asked if I had Aspergers. It was a little out of the blue and I told her that I didn't think so. At the time I hadn't heard of it and it certainly wasn't on my radar. As a kid I was told I might have ADHD or something from the Autism Spectrum but nothing fit right for them at the time, and when I left school I became my Parents problem to deal with and they got handed back the emotionally charged, social awkward teenager that I was!
Since that day to the day six years ago I have tried to find my label, find out what was wrong with me. Why I couldn't function like every other normal person. I tried counselling, anger management, group therapies! I tried new interests and hobbies to fit myself into the population. None of it worked. Trying new groups, new friends made me ache and made me tired. It made me more emotionally withdrawn and volatile at the same time!
Six years ago I learned about Aspergers and, like everything else, I researched it before jumping to conclusions. I thought I had found my label. Everything fitted nicely and I adapted my life to suit. Changes happened for the positive which led to new roads of self discovery and that leads to the person on the other side of this keyboard that you see today.
But I was never officially given my label and that makes me feel awkward, makes me feel like I am lying every time I bring it up. I do on occasion have to bring it up too. I’ve petitioned my GPs twice in the past. The first I was refused, in lieu of them pursuing my request for counselling regarding my confusion over gender. The second was with my second GP and if you follow my current timeline, well you know he’s an ass with a fear of responsibility and a fist tighter over his budget than Mr Scrooge himself!
Next week I go to my new GP and ask for the third time that I wish to see someone in regards some formal, official diagnosis. I could my mind at rest and not have that fear lurking at the back of my mind that I have somehow misread the situation.
And that’s why I’m scared. I’m scared they’ll say no, you’re mental faculties are nothing to do with Aspergers. Now go away and stop bothering us!
Why is the label so important to me, you ask yourself. Well, then I can put some sort of closure on it. I can close that book and say, yeah that’s wrong with me. I am not some weird deformed freak and I am not alone with my issues. I know I’ve been diagnosed with depression. I display wild acts of OCD on occasion and let’s not get started on the panic/anxiety attacks. I know I’m not “normal” in the conventional sense of the word, though looking about me these days I’m not so sure. But knowing what the issue is that makes me me would help to guide me. We all need to know what makes us and not knowing what makes me, not knowing my catalyst still forever bothers me! And telling myself that I have Aspergers brings me some level of comfort as this is part of why I behave the way I do on occasion. I doesn’t make life any easier, it just makes things a little less stressful!
Thanks for reading if you did!