Changes
Ok...This has been mulling around in my head, and I need to get it out. The people involved, need not say anything, identify themselves, or even read it. This is me sharing my FEELINGS, and my PERSPECTIVE. Those two things, may or may not have any basis in reality or fact.
The Past. I have been married for nearly 9 years, and am now divorced. I have a non-resident child, and have been living alone since just before December. I have also been dating, in a poly relationship, two wonderful women.
I don't do well alone. People say that about me, and it's somewhat true. I do ok, and muddle through, but it is not the rest of my life ideal situation. (I also try not to use hierarchical references, but sometimes they do help for context)
So, I'm living alone. I do not want to live alone. I 'd actually like one of my other two to move in, but for various reasons (unrelated to our relationship) it is not practical. Meanwhile, I am talking to a person out of our past. She lives about 30 hours by bus away, and move under some negative circumstances. Both of my current paramours indicate that if she comes back, they are gone. To my perspective, neither can/will take the "coveted" live in spot, but there is a desire to control who does get put in there. Once again, my PERCEPTION. Reality, for various reasons, they dislike her, and do not trust her as part of my life. For one, the reason is simply put, "I'm afraid she is going to hurt you again"
After much thought, and looking at where I want my life to be, I determined that the wandering one is the best option for me, long term. I know she and I click, and can get along, as she lived with me and my Ex for several years, in really close quarters. I think that with the life experiences she has had in her absence is probably enough to have helped her to learn not to hurt people. I am confident enough, that I choose to accept the risk. Enough to offer her a fresh start, all the slates wiped clean, but I am the only one willing to make that leap of faith.
So, both of the ladies have carried out their (pick one) threat,ultimatum, promise... and have terminated their relationships with me. Conversations with both are strained. Despite I have somebody coming, who can be a quality long term relationship with me, I'm hurt at the response. I feel in some ways, I've not only lost the relationships, but lost their friendship as well. One seems determined to focus on the "woe is me, it's going to ruin the _____________ I have scheduled." My perception is, that of you nurtured the friendship, things will be good.
I was told that I didn't consider anybody else's feelings when I was thinking about this. Pardon me, I was in my head when I made this, I know what I was thinking, and what was considered. It tore me up, because the situation I wanted was the live in, plus the ones I was also involved with. In reality, the only support I have gotten through this, is my Ex.
I'm feeling that in some ways, the people closest to me, I don't know. All I have heard is "you have to do what is right for you". Nothing supportive. No "Congrats John...Hope this does what you need" I feel like everybody I know has suddenly decided to turn their back on me.
I'll say this to the parties involved, and again, no response is needed. I considered everybody, and when I boiled it all down this is what I perceived. "It's ok for you to remain living alone, while we go on with out lives, and make time for you once in a while, as long as you are good, and don't rock the boat." I know that perception is not factual, because I know my friends would NOT do that to me. But that's how it feels, and how it feels has nothing to do with intent.
I want my friends back. I'd like the relationships back, with the new one in place. I doubt it will ever happen. I doubt anybody will give it any serious thought.
One last thing, that nobody else seems to get. The decision to risk my heart and happiness by going down this road, is mine, and mine alone. What somebody else does in response, is not mine. I don't own it, don't want to own it. So don't dump it on me. I'm going through enough hurt right now.
Just decided I'll screen the comments on this, that way there is no flame war. I've probably left something out, but oh well...
The Past. I have been married for nearly 9 years, and am now divorced. I have a non-resident child, and have been living alone since just before December. I have also been dating, in a poly relationship, two wonderful women.
I don't do well alone. People say that about me, and it's somewhat true. I do ok, and muddle through, but it is not the rest of my life ideal situation. (I also try not to use hierarchical references, but sometimes they do help for context)
So, I'm living alone. I do not want to live alone. I 'd actually like one of my other two to move in, but for various reasons (unrelated to our relationship) it is not practical. Meanwhile, I am talking to a person out of our past. She lives about 30 hours by bus away, and move under some negative circumstances. Both of my current paramours indicate that if she comes back, they are gone. To my perspective, neither can/will take the "coveted" live in spot, but there is a desire to control who does get put in there. Once again, my PERCEPTION. Reality, for various reasons, they dislike her, and do not trust her as part of my life. For one, the reason is simply put, "I'm afraid she is going to hurt you again"
After much thought, and looking at where I want my life to be, I determined that the wandering one is the best option for me, long term. I know she and I click, and can get along, as she lived with me and my Ex for several years, in really close quarters. I think that with the life experiences she has had in her absence is probably enough to have helped her to learn not to hurt people. I am confident enough, that I choose to accept the risk. Enough to offer her a fresh start, all the slates wiped clean, but I am the only one willing to make that leap of faith.
So, both of the ladies have carried out their (pick one) threat,ultimatum, promise... and have terminated their relationships with me. Conversations with both are strained. Despite I have somebody coming, who can be a quality long term relationship with me, I'm hurt at the response. I feel in some ways, I've not only lost the relationships, but lost their friendship as well. One seems determined to focus on the "woe is me, it's going to ruin the _____________ I have scheduled." My perception is, that of you nurtured the friendship, things will be good.
I was told that I didn't consider anybody else's feelings when I was thinking about this. Pardon me, I was in my head when I made this, I know what I was thinking, and what was considered. It tore me up, because the situation I wanted was the live in, plus the ones I was also involved with. In reality, the only support I have gotten through this, is my Ex.
I'm feeling that in some ways, the people closest to me, I don't know. All I have heard is "you have to do what is right for you". Nothing supportive. No "Congrats John...Hope this does what you need" I feel like everybody I know has suddenly decided to turn their back on me.
I'll say this to the parties involved, and again, no response is needed. I considered everybody, and when I boiled it all down this is what I perceived. "It's ok for you to remain living alone, while we go on with out lives, and make time for you once in a while, as long as you are good, and don't rock the boat." I know that perception is not factual, because I know my friends would NOT do that to me. But that's how it feels, and how it feels has nothing to do with intent.
I want my friends back. I'd like the relationships back, with the new one in place. I doubt it will ever happen. I doubt anybody will give it any serious thought.
One last thing, that nobody else seems to get. The decision to risk my heart and happiness by going down this road, is mine, and mine alone. What somebody else does in response, is not mine. I don't own it, don't want to own it. So don't dump it on me. I'm going through enough hurt right now.
Just decided I'll screen the comments on this, that way there is no flame war. I've probably left something out, but oh well...