Love and lust-a draft to think about.
I thought I had an old entry relating to that, but I don’t see it. Perhaps it existed in my mind, or maybe that I tried to write it once before, and failed to put it into words. I’m writing this, as a poly person, trying to help a monogamous person get a handle on her feelings. (no, I am not personally involved in the situation, so I have no point to sell, Just trying to coalesce my own meandering experience into something helpful)
An interesting entry I found that helps a bit:
http://www.love-smart.com/is-it-love-or-lust.html
It is primarily a list of bullet points, but it’s a good start. It however doesn’t describe the feelings.
It is said that “Love is a many splendord thing”. It encompasses you, it exists inside of you. It keeps you warm. Your thoughts focus on being with person X, to spend time with them, to walk upon beaches, and share tales over coffee. To share in their delights and successes, and to be there for the failure and tragedies. Love is being willing to make sacrifices, and to help support. Love means making the person a part of your life. Love is not always everlasting; the divorce rate is a testament to that! Somebody you love is somebody that you will be there for when they stumble, and that they will be there for you. Love weathers many storms, sometimes growing stronger through adversity, but sometimes finding its breaking point. Love is enduring, but not by necessity everlasting.
Love doesn’t have to lead to the bedroom, but the emotions involved sometimes lead there. In love, you can tolerate a ‘high maintainance’ partner, because you are willing to invest that extra time and effort.
Lust is a burning desire to engage a person sexually. There is no other substance to the relationship besides the sexuality. The person in question is low maintainance. The focus is on actions designed to get Tab A into Slot B. Obsession comes to mind as a sign of lust. When it is done, there is no burning compulsion to spend time with the person, meet family. When the hook-up is over, you go back on your merry way, racking up a conquest, a notch on the bedpost, or whatever you want to call it.
So, there we have the 2 extremes of the situation. What lies in the middle? Where does a “friend with fringe benefits” fit into the equation? A person who professes monogamy, but seeks a lover, according to the referenced link, is breaking one of the precepts of love, Loyalty. I’m not sure that I agree, totally. I think that there are shades of gray, as there are in any human interaction.
A friend, not somebody that you love. You are emotionally invested in this person and they are in you, to a point. Friends come and go, but are in your life for an extended period. You notice some attraction between you and friend X. Where do you go from there. Could taking the relationship physical destroy the friendship? Heck yes, even broaching the subject could do that. Once that specter floats to the surface, the relationship is changed forever. If you go down that path, the change is obvious. You have a physical relationship, there are emotions involved. You are possibly on a collision course with that train they call love. But what if you don’t? You wonder each day, about this potential lover. What would it be like? You see him/her, and undress them in your mind. Unseen, unspoken stresses on the relationship. This relationship is difficult to control. It could develop exactly as you want it. It could develop into true love, and threaten your existing situation (assuming traditional monogamy). If could fizzle, and you part company as friends, or worse, just part company for good. It looks like about a 50/50 chance to obtain a good outcome there.
An interesting entry I found that helps a bit:
http://www.love-smart.com/is-it-love-or-lust.html
It is primarily a list of bullet points, but it’s a good start. It however doesn’t describe the feelings.
It is said that “Love is a many splendord thing”. It encompasses you, it exists inside of you. It keeps you warm. Your thoughts focus on being with person X, to spend time with them, to walk upon beaches, and share tales over coffee. To share in their delights and successes, and to be there for the failure and tragedies. Love is being willing to make sacrifices, and to help support. Love means making the person a part of your life. Love is not always everlasting; the divorce rate is a testament to that! Somebody you love is somebody that you will be there for when they stumble, and that they will be there for you. Love weathers many storms, sometimes growing stronger through adversity, but sometimes finding its breaking point. Love is enduring, but not by necessity everlasting.
Love doesn’t have to lead to the bedroom, but the emotions involved sometimes lead there. In love, you can tolerate a ‘high maintainance’ partner, because you are willing to invest that extra time and effort.
Lust is a burning desire to engage a person sexually. There is no other substance to the relationship besides the sexuality. The person in question is low maintainance. The focus is on actions designed to get Tab A into Slot B. Obsession comes to mind as a sign of lust. When it is done, there is no burning compulsion to spend time with the person, meet family. When the hook-up is over, you go back on your merry way, racking up a conquest, a notch on the bedpost, or whatever you want to call it.
So, there we have the 2 extremes of the situation. What lies in the middle? Where does a “friend with fringe benefits” fit into the equation? A person who professes monogamy, but seeks a lover, according to the referenced link, is breaking one of the precepts of love, Loyalty. I’m not sure that I agree, totally. I think that there are shades of gray, as there are in any human interaction.
A friend, not somebody that you love. You are emotionally invested in this person and they are in you, to a point. Friends come and go, but are in your life for an extended period. You notice some attraction between you and friend X. Where do you go from there. Could taking the relationship physical destroy the friendship? Heck yes, even broaching the subject could do that. Once that specter floats to the surface, the relationship is changed forever. If you go down that path, the change is obvious. You have a physical relationship, there are emotions involved. You are possibly on a collision course with that train they call love. But what if you don’t? You wonder each day, about this potential lover. What would it be like? You see him/her, and undress them in your mind. Unseen, unspoken stresses on the relationship. This relationship is difficult to control. It could develop exactly as you want it. It could develop into true love, and threaten your existing situation (assuming traditional monogamy). If could fizzle, and you part company as friends, or worse, just part company for good. It looks like about a 50/50 chance to obtain a good outcome there.