Frustration!
Again I find myself laying in the dark over analyzing the world around me. Even the things and people that make me cringe and cry are crossing my mind tonight. It seems all the people in my life (or almost all) have some sort of pain attached to them in my mind. With some people I simply feel foolish, and when I relive memories with them I want to slap myself thoroughly (you know just give myself a good beating). With some people I feel foolish, and hurt. Like I think how could I have been so stupid, and it makes me take a step back from myself so I can see what makes me not good enough. Other people make me feel confused, and hurt beyond words. I start thinking of them, and for a split second I smile, but after that I cry. Some people make me feel all fuzzy inside, because I know what we have been through, and what we mean to each other now. Some people make me grateful for friendship, and sad that I can't offer more to them. I watch myself with people, and I notice how stupid I am. I taint half of my memories with this insane urges to throttle myself for being foolish. Why do I always back myself into such mental corners? I guess it is true that the more you want something, the less likely you are to get it. Maybe I knock myself out of everything. Maybe it is just something that is just supposed to be that way. It makes me fear the future. What if this is all I'll ever have? What if this is as good as it gets for me? I don't know, I can't even find focus for the rest of my life I have spent so long looking to, and obsessing over the people relations part of it. I was lonely growing up, always alone, so as I got older I would try to compensate for that. I feel uncomfortable with too many contacts, though I enjoy the closeness of a group of friends. Heh, there I go again remembering things. This whole thing with Cory and Rachel makes me want to curl up into a ball and die. I can't look on any memories fondly anymore. I wish someone would whack me upside the head so I don't remember anything anymore. I worry myself sick over people, myself included. I wish I could think of things, and not notice the things that make my stomach do backflips. Not crying at night would be nice. Not having to deal with these thoughts during the day would be even better. What is the point of living if all you can do is go home afterwards, and regret every move you have ever made? It's like everything I've ever done has only lead up to this. Laying alone night, and crying over things that can't be changed or fixed anyway. Am I going to have to kill, bury, and make peace with my entire life? Is that all there ever is? Why do I always care for people in ways I can't kill? Like for a random example, Kevin. It hurts so much to think of him, and yet I find myself worrying about him all the time. He is so depressed, so stressed. Nothing in his life seems to go right for him. He is in love with that lesbian girl, and it kills him going to bed at night not having her. She doesn't help either, she has that whole I don't want you, but I like being in your face anyway thing. Why in the fuck to I still care? Why do I sit there and cry listening to him rant, but keep my voice normal so I don't make him any more stressed? Right now I would cut out my heart (with a spoon for dramatic effect of course), if I knew it would help him in any way. There are several people I would do that for, most of them have hurt me in some way. I suppose it is human nature to hurt each other, because it is also human nature to look out for yourself. I just don't understand. I kind of have that feeling that no one is there for me in quite the way I am for them. Maybe it is just my imagination, I have friends. I don't know. Maybe I am sick, and perverted. Maybe I am crazy. Or maybe I just care too much. That sounds about right(all of that sounds about right actually), I care too much, and it is slowly killing me. That has always been a flaw. I get desperate, like a mouse in a maze if I can't help people be happy. Another funny thing about me, is I don't worry as much as about people I know can take perfect care of themselves. Not to insult anyone, but I have a sense about who can do that, and who can't(hell maybe I am wrong, but I think I am right). *sigh* I just know this sucks. My brain never shuts off, it is constantly working, and going off into a thousand different directions. I don't know what I am trying to say. I don't know what I am thinking anymore. I wish I could forget, but I am grateful I remember (if that makes sense).