I do belittle other people's faults and problems. I know it sounds callous, but it's meant to make you think you're above them. It's the sole reason I do it. Because personally I do believe that we're above our faults, especially you. You learn quickly, and you never make the same mistake often. I have no recollection of you ever doing something I considered stupid, let alone twice. But sometimes you get down about something I did consider below you, and I tried to make it seem ludicrous. But really, only to try and elevate you.
Truly, if I ruined your innocence simply by being in a relationship with you, then it would have happened anytime you were serious with someone. Every couple has faults, problems. We had ours. I am sorry.
I do care. I care more than you've realised. I don't like to show it. And, again, that one day was so long ago. It was a mistake, an honest mistake. You cannot forever cling to that one mistake forever. I can't turn back time. I can't erase my idioticy. I jumped to a conclusion. You've never trusted me since. I'm human, Megan. Mistakes like that are forever apparent if you look at my life. It's one of my considerable vices. I'm laying myself open for you, and you probably know all of these things already. Do you think I mean to seem callous? To pick at you? I don't. You don't talk to me about these things. Let me explain something if you think I'm being callous about it. Mayhap it's a misunderstanding?
Meg'z, though, it *isn't* fate. Fate declares we have one path. There are many open to you. You could never talk to me if you want. We could carry on arguing forever, if you wanted. You could delete me from every aspect of your life, if you want. We could try again, if you wanted. Where then, is fate? Is it fated that we are not to work out? Who decides that, if it isn't decided yet?
You are right about so many things, in your own understanding. And yet to me, these things are wrong. You understand? We don't talk enough. We don't know what the other means when they say certain things. We jump to conclusions, both of us. Our tempers flare. Easily. Why? Because it means alot to both of us. If it were meant to be easy, everyone would be happy.
I know very few happy people.
And yes, I do pick on you sometimes. Yes, sometimes I cause you depression. Yes, sometimes I don't care about some things. But, vice versa, it's exactly the same. Because we are two different people. Two different people who don't see the obvious things sometimes. Two different personalities that will clash. Therein lies the difficulty. The challenge. To breach the clashes with understanding.
If you have no more to say, then don't. I didn't want you to become upset by my post. It was just what I had been thinking. What I felt. I'm sorry if it did upset you. And I'm even more sorry if you don't have anything more to say... The easiest way to reach me is to be completely open. If I ridicule you, ask me why. I am honest, Meg'z, as much as you might think otherwise. If you think I don't care, ask me why I don't care. Don't judge a comment until you're sure, because I never say what I mean simply. It's always a stupid round-about comment that leaves me exposed as brutish or uncaring.
Like that SMS that I only read this morning, about how you cared that I had finally gotten it right. That you had spoken and I had listened without infuriating you. And that it had meant alot to you. That had meant alot to me, in turn. And I would do it thousands and thousands of times again, just to see you smile once.
You don't always want help from me, or advice. I know this. Now, at least. I always tried to help in any way, but if listening helped you best, I'd do that, until you asked for my advice.
You see? Trial and error is slow. It's best to be open. You can ask me anything, and I'd tell you. I'd trust you with my very life, even if you had just told me you hated me and wanted me dead. Isn't that the way it should be, between two people who know it can be better? So much so?
:: shrugs :: As it is to me...We've gone to far now to turn back. Forward, march. It's too painful to me, to try to sort this out, I wouldn't even know where to start, to be honest... So...As I see it, it would be easier to just....let it be. Good night Chris. Sleep well..
It is never too late to turn back. I think it's more painful/more of a shame to leave it the way it is.. Much more painful *than* if we at least tried. Nothing good in this world is easy. It's not my call.. I'll always be here to talk. You just have to ask. I'm an open book, all I want is that you read. Night, Meg'z. Sleep well, too. And sweet dreams.
It's the sole reason I do it. Because personally I do believe that we're above our faults, especially you. You learn quickly, and you never make the same mistake often. I have no recollection of you ever doing something I considered stupid, let alone twice.
But sometimes you get down about something I did consider below you, and I tried to make it seem ludicrous. But really, only to try and elevate you.
Truly, if I ruined your innocence simply by being in a relationship with you, then it would have happened anytime you were serious with someone. Every couple has faults, problems. We had ours. I am sorry.
I do care. I care more than you've realised. I don't like to show it.
And, again, that one day was so long ago. It was a mistake, an honest mistake. You cannot forever cling to that one mistake forever.
I can't turn back time. I can't erase my idioticy.
I jumped to a conclusion. You've never trusted me since.
I'm human, Megan. Mistakes like that are forever apparent if you look at my life. It's one of my considerable vices.
I'm laying myself open for you, and you probably know all of these things already. Do you think I mean to seem callous? To pick at you?
I don't. You don't talk to me about these things. Let me explain something if you think I'm being callous about it. Mayhap it's a misunderstanding?
Meg'z, though, it *isn't* fate. Fate declares we have one path.
There are many open to you. You could never talk to me if you want.
We could carry on arguing forever, if you wanted.
You could delete me from every aspect of your life, if you want.
We could try again, if you wanted.
Where then, is fate? Is it fated that we are not to work out? Who decides that, if it isn't decided yet?
You are right about so many things, in your own understanding. And yet to me, these things are wrong. You understand? We don't talk enough. We don't know what the other means when they say certain things.
We jump to conclusions, both of us. Our tempers flare. Easily.
Why? Because it means alot to both of us.
If it were meant to be easy, everyone would be happy.
I know very few happy people.
And yes, I do pick on you sometimes. Yes, sometimes I cause you depression. Yes, sometimes I don't care about some things. But, vice versa, it's exactly the same. Because we are two different people.
Two different people who don't see the obvious things sometimes.
Two different personalities that will clash. Therein lies the difficulty.
The challenge. To breach the clashes with understanding.
If you have no more to say, then don't. I didn't want you to become upset by my post. It was just what I had been thinking. What I felt.
I'm sorry if it did upset you. And I'm even more sorry if you don't have anything more to say...
The easiest way to reach me is to be completely open. If I ridicule you, ask me why. I am honest, Meg'z, as much as you might think otherwise. If you think I don't care, ask me why I don't care.
Don't judge a comment until you're sure, because I never say what I mean simply. It's always a stupid round-about comment that leaves me exposed as brutish or uncaring.
Like that SMS that I only read this morning, about how you cared that I had finally gotten it right. That you had spoken and I had listened without infuriating you. And that it had meant alot to you.
That had meant alot to me, in turn. And I would do it thousands and thousands of times again, just to see you smile once.
You don't always want help from me, or advice. I know this. Now, at least. I always tried to help in any way, but if listening helped you best, I'd do that, until you asked for my advice.
You see? Trial and error is slow. It's best to be open. You can ask me anything, and I'd tell you. I'd trust you with my very life, even if you had just told me you hated me and wanted me dead.
Isn't that the way it should be, between two people who know it can be better? So much so?
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As it is to me...We've gone to far now to turn back.
Forward, march.
It's too painful to me, to try to sort this out, I wouldn't even know where to start, to be honest...
So...As I see it, it would be easier to just....let it be.
Good night Chris.
Sleep well..
Reply
I think it's more painful/more of a shame to leave it the way it is..
Much more painful *than* if we at least tried.
Nothing good in this world is easy.
It's not my call.. I'll always be here to talk. You just have to ask.
I'm an open book, all I want is that you read.
Night, Meg'z.
Sleep well, too. And sweet dreams.
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