It was never meant to happen? Nothing is ever *meant* to happen. If everything were meant to happen, no one would ever be happy. Passion wouldn't exist. Our lives would forever be as bland as a box. We'd be caged in our shells, trying to break out. War isn't meant to happen. Pestilence isn't meant to happen. The truth of the matter is, simply, that it happened. It happens. Deal with these things as they come. Make the best of it.
You see it as a fault that you are here. It never seemed that way to me. Yes, I was never good enough for you. I know you saw it that way too. Yet it was never a fault we were at this point. It's always been an opportunity. For each of us to learn. To grow up. To be mature about a sensative subject. To breach obvious gaps. Which we couldn't do. *We* There is no one to blame. There is no fault, individually. We are at a point, yes, and it is by our own choosing we are here. No one of our actions or decisions brought us here. It was a combined effort. There are problems. Talking alone would not fix that. But a desire to fix it from both sides, whatever the cost... That was what was needed. I'm prepared to talk to you about anything. Friends should be like that. Your inherint distrust of me makes that difficult for you, though. And no, I'm not blaming you. It's just a fact we've agreed on before...
And, personally, I don't think we're perfect for each other. We don't understand each other when it matters. We misunderstand each other. We're both sensative and emotional fuckups. ;) But, honestly, do you think any of that bullshit matters? Do you think even Bonny and Clyde were perfect for each other? Perfect. What is that, exactly? It's only a word. And it's what we try to attain. A state between us, that you could call perfect, would have to be achieved. It cannot just... be so.
Everything has a cycle. Good. Bad. Terrible. Fantastic. Good. Bad. Et Cetera. And each has his own cycle, in turn. What was good for me could be bad for you. What was bad for me could have been good for you. And yes, more than likely, we could probably never be perfect. Because I don't even believe perfect exists. But ANYONE can breach gaps. No matter how great the gap, the compassion and ingeniouty of man will always overcome it. Whatever the obstacle.
And if I ruined your innocence, then I'm terribly sorry. I've never known what innocence is/was in the first place. I still don't. So whatever I destroyed, it was definately through no intent of my own.
But honestly, so what if we were never supposed to meet? We did. And it *was* good for a while. No matter how much you might deny that. We then went and hit a rough patch. A few mistakes. No breaching the gaps. They grew. And yet still, we'd rather blow out flames than warm each other with compassion.
Lastly, you always assume to know my mind. Yet you are forever wrong. It is as I always told you. I will always love you. I do love you. I make mistakes, and I openly admit that. So, truly, I have not *moved on*.
If you move on, then I accept that, though. It is a common enough practice. But I will never be the person to run away from anything - ever. I told you the things you didn't want to hear. For you. For more than just your happiness, but rather for what I felt was your own well-being. Some things people don't want to hear, but should not be left unsaid. I was wrong sometimes, yes. I was not scared to be who I am/was. I cannot change the person I am. You said you wanted no more to do with me. I honoured that demand. I am not the one, here, who has moved on. I do not know if you have. I just did what you asked me to do.
I know this is long-winded and you'd more than likely find it stupid and boring. I just wanted you to know. That's all. I'm sorry.
It is fate.. And I so wanted to work it out, I can't keep from sobbing, because It's so hard to tell you things.. You always turn around and belittle it, and are like, oh well thats life, kinda you don't care policy, which is fine, if we are only aquaintances. But we're not. We weren't. It wasn't supposed to be like that, and yes, you ruined my innocence. I'd still be an average 14 year old girl with no depression, no borderline tendencies, no eating disorder, no scars on my wrists, if it wasn't for that one day. You always display my faults so openly and callously when we argue, especially recently. I try to defend myself and it gets worse for me. Heh. I can't deal with it. I'm still trying to move forward, create my own ideals, grow into my skin, it's hard enough in this day and age without having you pick at me constantly. It's hard. I jsut can't deal with it. There are the facts. Do with them what you want. I have no more to say to you.
I do belittle other people's faults and problems. I know it sounds callous, but it's meant to make you think you're above them. It's the sole reason I do it. Because personally I do believe that we're above our faults, especially you. You learn quickly, and you never make the same mistake often. I have no recollection of you ever doing something I considered stupid, let alone twice. But sometimes you get down about something I did consider below you, and I tried to make it seem ludicrous. But really, only to try and elevate you.
Truly, if I ruined your innocence simply by being in a relationship with you, then it would have happened anytime you were serious with someone. Every couple has faults, problems. We had ours. I am sorry.
I do care. I care more than you've realised. I don't like to show it. And, again, that one day was so long ago. It was a mistake, an honest mistake. You cannot forever cling to that one mistake forever. I can't turn back time. I can't erase my idioticy. I jumped to a conclusion. You've never trusted me since. I'm human, Megan. Mistakes like that are forever apparent if you look at my life. It's one of my considerable vices. I'm laying myself open for you, and you probably know all of these things already. Do you think I mean to seem callous? To pick at you? I don't. You don't talk to me about these things. Let me explain something if you think I'm being callous about it. Mayhap it's a misunderstanding?
Meg'z, though, it *isn't* fate. Fate declares we have one path. There are many open to you. You could never talk to me if you want. We could carry on arguing forever, if you wanted. You could delete me from every aspect of your life, if you want. We could try again, if you wanted. Where then, is fate? Is it fated that we are not to work out? Who decides that, if it isn't decided yet?
You are right about so many things, in your own understanding. And yet to me, these things are wrong. You understand? We don't talk enough. We don't know what the other means when they say certain things. We jump to conclusions, both of us. Our tempers flare. Easily. Why? Because it means alot to both of us. If it were meant to be easy, everyone would be happy.
I know very few happy people.
And yes, I do pick on you sometimes. Yes, sometimes I cause you depression. Yes, sometimes I don't care about some things. But, vice versa, it's exactly the same. Because we are two different people. Two different people who don't see the obvious things sometimes. Two different personalities that will clash. Therein lies the difficulty. The challenge. To breach the clashes with understanding.
If you have no more to say, then don't. I didn't want you to become upset by my post. It was just what I had been thinking. What I felt. I'm sorry if it did upset you. And I'm even more sorry if you don't have anything more to say... The easiest way to reach me is to be completely open. If I ridicule you, ask me why. I am honest, Meg'z, as much as you might think otherwise. If you think I don't care, ask me why I don't care. Don't judge a comment until you're sure, because I never say what I mean simply. It's always a stupid round-about comment that leaves me exposed as brutish or uncaring.
Like that SMS that I only read this morning, about how you cared that I had finally gotten it right. That you had spoken and I had listened without infuriating you. And that it had meant alot to you. That had meant alot to me, in turn. And I would do it thousands and thousands of times again, just to see you smile once.
You don't always want help from me, or advice. I know this. Now, at least. I always tried to help in any way, but if listening helped you best, I'd do that, until you asked for my advice.
You see? Trial and error is slow. It's best to be open. You can ask me anything, and I'd tell you. I'd trust you with my very life, even if you had just told me you hated me and wanted me dead. Isn't that the way it should be, between two people who know it can be better? So much so?
:: shrugs :: As it is to me...We've gone to far now to turn back. Forward, march. It's too painful to me, to try to sort this out, I wouldn't even know where to start, to be honest... So...As I see it, it would be easier to just....let it be. Good night Chris. Sleep well..
It is never too late to turn back. I think it's more painful/more of a shame to leave it the way it is.. Much more painful *than* if we at least tried. Nothing good in this world is easy. It's not my call.. I'll always be here to talk. You just have to ask. I'm an open book, all I want is that you read. Night, Meg'z. Sleep well, too. And sweet dreams.
If everything were meant to happen, no one would ever be happy.
Passion wouldn't exist. Our lives would forever be as bland as a box.
We'd be caged in our shells, trying to break out.
War isn't meant to happen. Pestilence isn't meant to happen.
The truth of the matter is, simply, that it happened. It happens.
Deal with these things as they come. Make the best of it.
You see it as a fault that you are here. It never seemed that way to me.
Yes, I was never good enough for you. I know you saw it that way too.
Yet it was never a fault we were at this point. It's always been an opportunity.
For each of us to learn. To grow up. To be mature about a sensative subject. To breach obvious gaps.
Which we couldn't do. *We*
There is no one to blame. There is no fault, individually.
We are at a point, yes, and it is by our own choosing we are here.
No one of our actions or decisions brought us here. It was a combined effort.
There are problems. Talking alone would not fix that. But a desire to fix it from both sides, whatever the cost...
That was what was needed. I'm prepared to talk to you about anything.
Friends should be like that.
Your inherint distrust of me makes that difficult for you, though.
And no, I'm not blaming you. It's just a fact we've agreed on before...
And, personally, I don't think we're perfect for each other.
We don't understand each other when it matters. We misunderstand each other.
We're both sensative and emotional fuckups. ;)
But, honestly, do you think any of that bullshit matters? Do you think even Bonny and Clyde were perfect for each other?
Perfect. What is that, exactly? It's only a word. And it's what we try to attain. A state between us, that you could call perfect, would have to be achieved. It cannot just... be so.
Everything has a cycle. Good. Bad. Terrible. Fantastic. Good. Bad. Et Cetera.
And each has his own cycle, in turn. What was good for me could be bad for you. What was bad for me could have been good for you.
And yes, more than likely, we could probably never be perfect.
Because I don't even believe perfect exists. But ANYONE can breach gaps.
No matter how great the gap, the compassion and ingeniouty of man will always overcome it. Whatever the obstacle.
And if I ruined your innocence, then I'm terribly sorry.
I've never known what innocence is/was in the first place. I still don't.
So whatever I destroyed, it was definately through no intent of my own.
But honestly, so what if we were never supposed to meet? We did.
And it *was* good for a while. No matter how much you might deny that.
We then went and hit a rough patch. A few mistakes. No breaching the gaps.
They grew. And yet still, we'd rather blow out flames than warm each other with compassion.
Lastly, you always assume to know my mind. Yet you are forever wrong. It is as I always told you. I will always love you.
I do love you. I make mistakes, and I openly admit that.
So, truly, I have not *moved on*.
If you move on, then I accept that, though. It is a common enough practice.
But I will never be the person to run away from anything - ever.
I told you the things you didn't want to hear. For you. For more than just your happiness, but rather for what I felt was your own well-being. Some things people don't want to hear, but should not be left unsaid. I was wrong sometimes, yes. I was not scared to be who I am/was. I cannot change the person I am.
You said you wanted no more to do with me. I honoured that demand.
I am not the one, here, who has moved on. I do not know if you have.
I just did what you asked me to do.
I know this is long-winded and you'd more than likely find it stupid and boring. I just wanted you to know. That's all. I'm sorry.
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And I so wanted to work it out, I can't keep from sobbing, because It's so hard to tell you things..
You always turn around and belittle it, and are like, oh well thats life, kinda you don't care policy, which is fine, if we are only aquaintances.
But we're not.
We weren't.
It wasn't supposed to be like that, and yes, you ruined my innocence.
I'd still be an average 14 year old girl with no depression, no borderline tendencies, no eating disorder, no scars on my wrists, if it wasn't for that one day.
You always display my faults so openly and callously when we argue, especially recently.
I try to defend myself and it gets worse for me.
Heh.
I can't deal with it.
I'm still trying to move forward, create my own ideals, grow into my skin, it's hard enough in this day and age without having you pick at me constantly.
It's hard.
I jsut can't deal with it.
There are the facts.
Do with them what you want.
I have no more to say to you.
Reply
It's the sole reason I do it. Because personally I do believe that we're above our faults, especially you. You learn quickly, and you never make the same mistake often. I have no recollection of you ever doing something I considered stupid, let alone twice.
But sometimes you get down about something I did consider below you, and I tried to make it seem ludicrous. But really, only to try and elevate you.
Truly, if I ruined your innocence simply by being in a relationship with you, then it would have happened anytime you were serious with someone. Every couple has faults, problems. We had ours. I am sorry.
I do care. I care more than you've realised. I don't like to show it.
And, again, that one day was so long ago. It was a mistake, an honest mistake. You cannot forever cling to that one mistake forever.
I can't turn back time. I can't erase my idioticy.
I jumped to a conclusion. You've never trusted me since.
I'm human, Megan. Mistakes like that are forever apparent if you look at my life. It's one of my considerable vices.
I'm laying myself open for you, and you probably know all of these things already. Do you think I mean to seem callous? To pick at you?
I don't. You don't talk to me about these things. Let me explain something if you think I'm being callous about it. Mayhap it's a misunderstanding?
Meg'z, though, it *isn't* fate. Fate declares we have one path.
There are many open to you. You could never talk to me if you want.
We could carry on arguing forever, if you wanted.
You could delete me from every aspect of your life, if you want.
We could try again, if you wanted.
Where then, is fate? Is it fated that we are not to work out? Who decides that, if it isn't decided yet?
You are right about so many things, in your own understanding. And yet to me, these things are wrong. You understand? We don't talk enough. We don't know what the other means when they say certain things.
We jump to conclusions, both of us. Our tempers flare. Easily.
Why? Because it means alot to both of us.
If it were meant to be easy, everyone would be happy.
I know very few happy people.
And yes, I do pick on you sometimes. Yes, sometimes I cause you depression. Yes, sometimes I don't care about some things. But, vice versa, it's exactly the same. Because we are two different people.
Two different people who don't see the obvious things sometimes.
Two different personalities that will clash. Therein lies the difficulty.
The challenge. To breach the clashes with understanding.
If you have no more to say, then don't. I didn't want you to become upset by my post. It was just what I had been thinking. What I felt.
I'm sorry if it did upset you. And I'm even more sorry if you don't have anything more to say...
The easiest way to reach me is to be completely open. If I ridicule you, ask me why. I am honest, Meg'z, as much as you might think otherwise. If you think I don't care, ask me why I don't care.
Don't judge a comment until you're sure, because I never say what I mean simply. It's always a stupid round-about comment that leaves me exposed as brutish or uncaring.
Like that SMS that I only read this morning, about how you cared that I had finally gotten it right. That you had spoken and I had listened without infuriating you. And that it had meant alot to you.
That had meant alot to me, in turn. And I would do it thousands and thousands of times again, just to see you smile once.
You don't always want help from me, or advice. I know this. Now, at least. I always tried to help in any way, but if listening helped you best, I'd do that, until you asked for my advice.
You see? Trial and error is slow. It's best to be open. You can ask me anything, and I'd tell you. I'd trust you with my very life, even if you had just told me you hated me and wanted me dead.
Isn't that the way it should be, between two people who know it can be better? So much so?
Reply
As it is to me...We've gone to far now to turn back.
Forward, march.
It's too painful to me, to try to sort this out, I wouldn't even know where to start, to be honest...
So...As I see it, it would be easier to just....let it be.
Good night Chris.
Sleep well..
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I think it's more painful/more of a shame to leave it the way it is..
Much more painful *than* if we at least tried.
Nothing good in this world is easy.
It's not my call.. I'll always be here to talk. You just have to ask.
I'm an open book, all I want is that you read.
Night, Meg'z.
Sleep well, too. And sweet dreams.
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