(no subject)
One of the main reasons why I can walk to work in the morning, and still have a big fat smile plastered on my face just from looking at the oddly colored street cones or the labyrinthine vessels of the highway up above- even though I’ve seen these marvels every day for a month now- is that it the “differentness” of it reminds me of why every day is just dripping ripe with opportunity of every kind, and that it’s all really happening and it’s “really like that.”
It’s almost never boring, quite often is very exciting, sometimes terrifying, and always an adventure.
The terrifying part usually comes when there’s no frame of reference. It often happens when I’m doing something relatively easy to conceive of in your mind- say, having a drink with the coworkers. But one thing leads to another: Someone is telling a funny story, and someone else chimes in with a comment, and the comment has some sort of implicit reference to- wait!? Are they allowed to say that!? And it’s sharp and insightful too, I never thought about things that way! But isn’t somebody going to be offended! Should I be offended? No, I don’t think so, but what does it all mean? And my god, what she just said, and the way she said it, was so hilarious, and I’m laughing so hard my eyes are starting to water….
In this way the flow of the situation and its dynamics takes its own form, becomes something different from anything I’ve ever seen or experienced before, and then that different becomes more different still by a factor of six or seven, and I’ve got to OPEN MY EYES to be AS WIDE AS SAUCERS to try and take everything in and figure out what’s going on!
And often I’m left speechless, just gawking at it all, not sure all just how to participate in this conversation that has long since left the terra firma of any sort of rule set or basic structure of any kind of situation I’ve encountered before, and- wait, did he just make some comment about how quiet I’m being? I should respond to that- or did I interpret that correctly? OK I’ll say something- oh wait that doesn’t make much sense- damn! I’ll just sit here and smile and act dumb and…
And that’s where the terror kicks in, grabbing me by the gut- Oh shit! What the hell is going on here! And that’s where it stays for a few moments, at least until I start laughing out loud at something someone says, or I notice the music and start to hear a familiar song giving me a completely new feeling, or share a glance of understanding with someone, in any case, it seldom takes very long. Then the terror fades back down into wonder and excitement again, the apprehension subsides, the nerves are frazzled and tingly, my blood is circulating, and I feel so warm out to the fingertips even when it’s really cold out… and the heart is pumping, beating, throbbing, saying YOU’RE ALIVE! YOU’RE AWAKE AND YOU’RE ALIVE AND THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!
But the drinks with the coworkers is just one example- whether it’s figuring out how to write a business document by the next day that successfully lays out the whole of the company’s online marketing strategy, meeting happy party people and career DJs while hearing loud banging tracks at a psytrance party, acting on the desire to talk to the attractive young lady across the room, pushing my fledgling Japanese skills to the limit to attempt some very simple conversation or just to try and get something I need at a shop… to whatever degree, there are all these sensations of excitement and fear and shock and awe and curiosity flowing all through my body.
At the end of the night, I’m exhausted, and I fall asleep quite easily. The next day, I get up, walk down Roppongi-dori to work again, looking at funny traffic cones or vast suspended highways, with a big smile that keeps growing on my face and chuckling to myself every now and again. Because today is going to be another big day.
It’s almost never boring, quite often is very exciting, sometimes terrifying, and always an adventure.
The terrifying part usually comes when there’s no frame of reference. It often happens when I’m doing something relatively easy to conceive of in your mind- say, having a drink with the coworkers. But one thing leads to another: Someone is telling a funny story, and someone else chimes in with a comment, and the comment has some sort of implicit reference to- wait!? Are they allowed to say that!? And it’s sharp and insightful too, I never thought about things that way! But isn’t somebody going to be offended! Should I be offended? No, I don’t think so, but what does it all mean? And my god, what she just said, and the way she said it, was so hilarious, and I’m laughing so hard my eyes are starting to water….
In this way the flow of the situation and its dynamics takes its own form, becomes something different from anything I’ve ever seen or experienced before, and then that different becomes more different still by a factor of six or seven, and I’ve got to OPEN MY EYES to be AS WIDE AS SAUCERS to try and take everything in and figure out what’s going on!
And often I’m left speechless, just gawking at it all, not sure all just how to participate in this conversation that has long since left the terra firma of any sort of rule set or basic structure of any kind of situation I’ve encountered before, and- wait, did he just make some comment about how quiet I’m being? I should respond to that- or did I interpret that correctly? OK I’ll say something- oh wait that doesn’t make much sense- damn! I’ll just sit here and smile and act dumb and…
And that’s where the terror kicks in, grabbing me by the gut- Oh shit! What the hell is going on here! And that’s where it stays for a few moments, at least until I start laughing out loud at something someone says, or I notice the music and start to hear a familiar song giving me a completely new feeling, or share a glance of understanding with someone, in any case, it seldom takes very long. Then the terror fades back down into wonder and excitement again, the apprehension subsides, the nerves are frazzled and tingly, my blood is circulating, and I feel so warm out to the fingertips even when it’s really cold out… and the heart is pumping, beating, throbbing, saying YOU’RE ALIVE! YOU’RE AWAKE AND YOU’RE ALIVE AND THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!
But the drinks with the coworkers is just one example- whether it’s figuring out how to write a business document by the next day that successfully lays out the whole of the company’s online marketing strategy, meeting happy party people and career DJs while hearing loud banging tracks at a psytrance party, acting on the desire to talk to the attractive young lady across the room, pushing my fledgling Japanese skills to the limit to attempt some very simple conversation or just to try and get something I need at a shop… to whatever degree, there are all these sensations of excitement and fear and shock and awe and curiosity flowing all through my body.
At the end of the night, I’m exhausted, and I fall asleep quite easily. The next day, I get up, walk down Roppongi-dori to work again, looking at funny traffic cones or vast suspended highways, with a big smile that keeps growing on my face and chuckling to myself every now and again. Because today is going to be another big day.
